I dreamt of Lynn again last night. Enough now. Enough.

It was Megan's birthday today, and Lynn was at the party. I hadn't planned on running into her so it was quite a pleasant surprise. Actually to be honest, I was exhilarated, though I tried not to show it. And even though she said that she was sick, I thought that she still looked absolutely radiant. Throughout the night, I found myself constantly glancing over in her direction. I wonder if she noticed? And if she did, I wonder if she realized what it meant? Or would she think that it was nothing, viewing me as nothing more than usual?

Ah perception.. t's funny how your view of someone can change so drastically. At what point did I come to have such strong feelings for her? And yet at the same time, why is it so hard to change your view of someone? How I wish she would look at me differently and how I wish my feelings were reciprocated.

Sometimes I think we're so different, that our interests are different and that we wouldn't be a suitable couple. And yet I can't remember having such pleasant conversations with anyone in a long time as I have with her. That's got to mean something right? My birthday is coming up and though I pride myself in never wanting anything, there is something I want this year: for her to develop feelings for me, as I have for her. Simple, yet seemingly impossible.

My subconscious has been acting really weird lately. I dreamt of Thuy last night. How long has it been since she stepped out of my life? Funny thing, in my dream I was talking to her on the phone and we kept talking about meeting up, but she never came. I was always waiting to no avail. Just like in real life eh?

I still think of Thuy. Maybe not as much as I used to when I started this blog, but I do. And especially with February now here. Valentine's day. Her birthday. Every Tet gathering when I hear people ask me why I'm not married yet. I always find myself thinking back to her. I wonder how she's doing now, how her marriage is. Is she happy and does she ever look back and think of me? A foolish longing on my part, naivety to be sure, but I like to think I left something with her too.

I had to go to a seminar over on campus today, and as I was strolling through Ring Road, a lot of emotions stirred up. Such idealist dreams back then, before everything was tainted with the bitterness of reality.

I sometimes wonder if people are ever as introspective as I am. Without thinking, could you name your first love? If I asked you who the love of your life was, could you give me an answer? Phuong. Thuy. Those are my answers, and both seem like such a lifetime ago. Fond, but distant memories of a time long gone.