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Monday, May 25, 2009 |
It was Memorial Day weekend and though I had a lot to do, I didn't really get anything done this weekend. Outside of hanging out with friends and family, I didn't do much except veg around the house, watching tv and napping. I wonder where all this apathy is coming from. I feel like my life lacks motivation right now. What to do, what to do.
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Thursday, May 21, 2009 |
One of my close friends has been seeing this girl for over a year now. Every time I ask him about their status, he denies anything and says they're just friends. And when I prod even further, he makes up the excuse that she isn't looking for a relationship. But the thing is, it's clear to me and everyone else that she is. They even stopped hanging out for a while because she wanted to be more but he refused. So what does that make my friend then? A player? Who is he kidding when he says they're "just friends" when it's obvious that she wants so much to be more, yet he's the one not ready to commit?
Now the thing is, since they still keep hanging out with each other, who's really more to blame then here if the girl ends up getting hurt? As much as I want to think that it's his fault and that he's leading her on, it's also her fault since she's holding on to false hope. Feelings are weird that way. They sure make you blind don't they?
Sometimes I envy my friend, the way he can just date and play with no signs of guilt. It seems to be a lot more fun and sure beats sitting around waiting for a Miss Right that doesn't seem to exist! It's like an article I read today. Fact, I think nice guys do indeed end up last!
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Monday, May 18, 2009 |
This past weekend, I went up to San Francisco for my step sister's wedding. It was a simple affair, just a city hall wedding with family and her friends. I ran into a bunch of girls that I haven't seen since high school and I have to say, the experience was a little surreal. I've known one of those girls since elementary school, and to be honest, she was my first major crush. Well, crush is putting it mildly, because I swear I liked her almost all the way through high school. Anyway, she's been married for quite a while now, and her daughter was actually the flower girl. So it was pretty weird to see her as a mom. It was strange, to look at her, someone whom I used to have such strong emotions for, because I wonder if she could still look in my eyes and discern the truth. Part of me still wonders what would have happened if I was a cooler kid and if I had the nerve to ask her out. They say your life is nothing but a series of chance circumstances. Sometimes I wonder, how true.
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Sunday, May 17, 2009 |
Has it really been over a year since I last wrote an entry? And has it really been two years since I last spoke to Thuy? Sometimes it seems like so much has happened in that time, and yet so much has stayed the same.
When I look back at my entries, I know why I stopped writing. It's fairly obvious really. But as time passes, I realize that I miss writing here more and more. Where else can I pour out my heart and soul?
So let's see. Work has been good. I'm not filthy rich or anything but I can honestly say I'm pretty content with where I am. Material goals wise, I have to admit that I've accomplished all I set out for by the time I hit 30, which is pretty impressive when I think about. More than anything, I have to really consider myself lucky and blessed. I know there are so many others out there that aren't as lucky.
On the flip side of that though, I'm lonelier than ever. All around me, my friends are getting married and having kids. But for me, that seems like such a distant and lofty dream. Day in and day out, it seems like I just repeat the same process. The work days fading into the weekends only to have the whole process repeat itself with little satisfaction. It makes no sense to work hard and succeed when you don't have anyone to share it with. Coming home and yet having no one to hold in your arms... it's such an empty feeling.
I feel like my recent wave of despondency has been brought about because I just finished watching Bỗng Dưng Muốn Khóc. Trúc pretty much represents all I want in a wife and companion. She's cute on the outside and down to earth with a beautiful heart on the inside. Looking back on all the girls I've ever dated, not a single one of them even comes close to her. It's disheartening to know that you find a fictional character so much more endearing than any real girls you've known.
I guess despite my years of writing and describing myself as cynical, I'm kidding myself if I still don't consider myself a hopeless romantic. I still dream of finding that magical love that will last me a lifetime and beyond, and yet I know how impossible that sounds. And I still long for that special someone out there to genuinely love me just for me, someone I can just hold in my arms and feel comforted and complete, and someone to whisper in my ear... em yêu anh.
Đến chiếc lá cũng cần có nhau
Sao em không giữ nổi yêu thương
Lạc về đâu giữa cơn giông chiều về
Lá cứ trôi buồn miên man
Bỗng muốn khóc cho lòng nhẹ nỗi đau
Sao em không cứ khóc cho vơi đi
Vẫn biết thế nhưng lòng chợt đau thắt
Chuyện vui em xin giữ
Cho nỗi buồn đừng qua đây
Khi đêm còn lại trong kí ức
Em giữ một thời ta êm ấm
Có nước mắt đẫm lăn vệt dài trên mi
Qua đi thật rồi cơn mơ ấy
Miên man chuyện buồn riêng em thôi
Bỗng có nước mắt rơi thật nhiều hôm nay
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