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Saturday, June 23, 2007

Darling I want you to listen.
I stayed up all night so I can get this thing right.
And I don't think there's anything missing,
cause a person like you made it easy to do.
I've waited for so long,
to sing to you this song...

Your eyes are the windows to heaven.
Your smile could heal a million souls.
Your love completes my existence.
You're the other half that makes me whole...
You're the only other half that makes me whole.

.: Make Me Whole :.
~ Amel Larrieux ~

Wow, such heartfelt lyrics. And the rest of the song is just as honest and sincere too. Pretty sweet. Can you believe I just found this song sitting on my hard drive? Guess I must have gotten it sometime in the past without even realizing it. I wish I had someone to dedicate such loving words to me like that. It made me pull out the CD I made for her last year and just reminisce. I wonder if she ever listens to it still and thinks of me? I wish I had this song at the time to put on there as well.

So obviously I spent some time today organizing my latest mp3's. I swear, I always tell myself that I need to stop letting them pile up and just organize them as I get them, but as always, when I sit down and actually look at how many I have to sort into the right places, there's literally thousands of songs sitting there in a folder and I just get flustered. But I'm half way through the latest batch now finally. Some pretty good ones too. Lifehouse just came out with a new CD after four years. I listened to it a bit, and it's not bad. Not great like You and Me but then again, not many songs are.

My cousin left me a message asking me if I could take her two kids to Disneyland. Hmm, might be interesting. I'm considering it. But do I really have what it takes to lead a four year old and five year old through the Magic Kingdom for an entire day??? Funny little kids. Katelynn spent the night at my house last night and she kept asking me if I could take her. At what age do children discover that there's this magical fairy tale land that they have to go to? In fact, as my friends and I were sitting there in the dining room relaxing and playing games, they laughed at how cute she was. Laomedon kept tickling her. It's funny seeing those two together. He's huge and she's puny. And tonight, she discovered my paper cranes and kept asking me if I could teach her how to make them. I teased her and told her that it takes seven years to learn, to which she responded that we should start now then! Ah kids. Too bad they can't stay this adorable age forever.

Got to play some basketball today, but man, the sun is definitely killer. I'm getting pretty dark. Better watch that melanoma. In the evening, I found out that I missed her call yet again. It totally sucks that I have no way to reach her. Afterwards, I went for a nice drive. The night time air in these early days of summer makes for great convertible driving. As for housework, I finally got around to setting up my sound system, only to find out that I ran out of speaker wire. Guess it will have to wait until tomorrow, but why does it seem like my Saturdays are never long enough?

Do you have any idea how painful it is to tell someone that you love them and not have them say it back?
I don't care.

Friday, June 22, 2007
My god. Is there anything in this world more wonderful than the sound of her laughter? So pure and full of joy that angels themselves wouldn't even sound as sweet. It's absolute bliss. How wonderful it must be to hear that on a daily basis, to be enveloped by such harmonic beauty.

Time passes and seasons change, but my feelings for her... my love for her... that hasn't lessened one bit.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
Freaking A! So check this out. I'm sitting there at work after a long day of meetings, when I get called into yet another one in the late afternoon. I walk in and there's full video conferencing going on, so I can tell it's big. The director of the entire center is there and he tells me "Hey Vu, we're gonna need your help." He then proceeds to ask me about several projects here and there that he would like implemented. At first I replied "sure, I could do that" but then it dawned on me that I already have! When he started going over the old web site pointing to certain deficits, I quickly questioned him why he wasn't using the newer updated one, to which he responded that he never saw it. What the hell? A lot of time, work, and effort went into these new pieces of software, vastly improving upon the original, and the freaking director didn't get to see it? What happened after I showed it to the bioinformatics director? Is he passing my work along up the chain or is he totally screwing me over?

Needless to say, I was quite pissed. After the meeting, I immediately contacted my direct supervisor and relayed to him that I was concerned and disappointed that my work wasn't getting properly recognized on certain ends. He agreed that it was a big deal and we're set to talk about why it's so tomorrow and how to reconcile it.

For those of you who don't know, people there recognize my skills and so over the course of my time there, I've been spread out over several departments. While I do enjoy a fair amount of autonomy that way, I also have to answer to several directors, all of whom answer directly to the main director. So the idea that one of these departmental directors isn't doing his job to my benefit is greatly distressing to say the least. Come to think of it, I could have sworn that this issue came up before, where we were all at a meeting. There was this misconception that he had created something when it was in fact me and so of course both he and I quickly corrected that error in front of everyone, but I have to wonder how much is going on behind my back now? Is he claiming this work himself? Maybe I should start dealing with the big director himself. Hmm, we'll see what happens after tomorrow's talk.

Yup, I'm pissed. I don't like having an ego. I hate tooting my own horn. And I never brag. But frankly, that website and the online applications that I've been asked to create by the bioinformatics director, all of that would fall to pieces if I wasn't there. Every single internal online database in the past four years has been an adaptation of one of my designs! That guy can't even add a single event to the new dynamic content management system properly without calling me up and since I designed the entire site from the ground up, even the slightest modifications would be difficult for someone unfamiliar with it. And so if I find out that I'm not properly being recognized for my hard work, I'm out of there. All the studies that I'm involved in would halt and shut down and that place can fall apart without me. I don't care. I would let them know exactly why I'm leaving too. As you can see, I don't mind working hard, and I even stayed at this job though it pays less because I believe in the work, but I'll be damned if my talents are left unappreciated or if I'm undermined like that.

So yup, that was my day. Quite annoying in a lot of other little ways, but nothing out of the ordinary that I couldn't deal with. Programming for Howard II is wrapping up nicely with all of the premotor contextual processing designs. On VuTherapy, I've successfully connected the wiimote to the computer and can read all the accelerometer values. It's just a small step now to actually having full control of the wiimote capabilities and integrating it with certain ideas we have. I still need to address TWrex's issues though and poor V is always asking me to write more modules for PneuWrex. One of these days. The online study application used by private investigators across the campus? Well I was working on that but now I'll definitely pay attention to who I report that too.

Enough ranting about work. Let's move on to something else.

Hmm, what color tie goes with a maroon shirt? Jap Girl suggested black, but I can't seem to find my black tie anywhere! Maybe I let someone borrow it? Looks like I'll have to go buy another one.

Is it me or is the world becoming a worse place everyday? I read in the news that a bunch of people beat a man to death for being a passenger in a car that was involved in a minor accident. The University of Michigan covered up a rape and murder to everyone including the poor girl's parents! A man kidnaps and kills a girl from a Target parking lot. And a woman lay dying on the floor of an emergency room without any staff helping even though there were frantic and futile cries to 911?

What's up with the world? Is society truly degrading by the day or is it merely the by product of living in the information age, where news is streamed to my desktop in a matter of seconds? Whatever it is, I fear for this world and the state with which we all treat each other.

I was browsing the Amazon book section when I saw that Nicholas Sparks is scheduled to release a new book, The Choice, later on this year. Yup, I'm there. Though I must say that over the past year or two, I've found myself less touched by his writing. I don't think it's so much that his story telling is getting any worse. It's just that I'm more cynical than before and I question if two people could truly fall in love that easily.

Don't get me wrong though. I still love The Notebook. For a while there, I felt like it was the story of my life. A simple guy loving a girl from his past for his entire life. A girl from a different world and yet who shared so much with him. Who knew that like him, one day, the girl of my dreams would step back into my life. For a while there, I imagined that I would enjoy the same happy ending that he had. Oh well, that's why it's real life and not a book. But I guess I still identify myself with Noah a lot. Like him, I will always look to my love with a smile.

So Fantasmic is back! I love that show! I've managed to get a small group to go next Friday after work. Even though I have the big pass and can go any time, it's the last day before most other people get their annual passes blocked for the summer and so their last chance to see it until late August. It's sad, for I had initially intended to ask her to go with me, but I don't know if she has a pass anymore, and more importantly, I don't even have a number to reach her at anymore!

I've been thinking of her a lot lately. We used to be so close. During those first few months when we started talking again, she would consistently call me at night and I would just lay there in bed talking to her, the image of her all bundled up in her closet running through my mind and a smile on my face. And in the mornings, she would call me up on my way into work and she would brighten up my entire day. You can't believe how the sound of her voice first thing in the morning can be so uplifting. What happened to us? Heck, I used to imagine us watching Fantasmic together as we just enjoyed the night life in each other's company. Where has that dream gone?

Whoa, is it the end of June already? This Saturday is the 23rd, the day that Gwen Stefani is playing at the Verizon Amphitheater. I remember asking her to go with me to that as well. I wonder if she knew already back then how much she would push me out of her life?

*Sigh* I wish I could have heard from her today. Hearing her voice means so much to me and I know it would have made my day that much better.
Sunday, June 17, 2007

Happy Father's Day everyone. As expected, I threw a get together for my family last night to celebrate Father's Day for my step dad and all my uncles. What did I get him as a gift? He's always admired my camera and remarked how he wanted one of his own, so I went ahead and got him the Canon Rebel XT digital SLR. He spent the entire night with it nestled around his neck and cradling it in his arms. Needless to say, he was quite happy, which made me feel good. I also paid respects to my dad with some fruit and flowers. I think I've made them both proud this year, yes?

I asked my cousin that lives me what she was getting her step dad and she replied, shortly, nothing. I don't get it. Seriously. Does she not know how lucky she has it? To have someone take her in and consider her as his own child, she should consider herself blessed. Rather than be bitter at him, she should really be bitter at her own father, who I've known for quite some time and frankly is not a very good father at all. Life isn't fair sometimes you know? I hope one day she wakes up and acts more maturely.

I hate to say it, but a lot of the girls in my family are just way too spoiled.

I don't ever remember being bitter about my step dad. I think it's a little different because my real dad was gone and so it wasn't like my mom was choosing between two men, but I do remember thinking that I wanted my mom happy, and looking back now, as a child of ten, that was pretty mature thinking wasn't it? I guess I could have been mad that my mom moved on so quickly after my dad's death, but no, I never felt that way.

At my step sister's wedding a few years ago, my step brother came up to me and was talking to me. It was all happiness and smiles, when all of a sudden, he began to tear up and mentioned that I treated his dad really well. I was touched that he thought so highly of that, but why should he expect any less? Family is family, whether it's via natural birth or not. I know that if I ever got married, my wife's family would mean just as much to me as my own. I guess I'm different that way.

My friends and I were talking the other night over dinner about whether or not we could date a person who had a kid already. I used to think I would have no problem with that, but now I don't think so anymore. I look around and see so much animosity and resentment in the world, and it's quite sad. I don't think I could put up with a relationship where there's a kid always looking at me and hating me so much.

Near the end of the night, my friends and my cousins were gathered around the tv watching Superman Returns. Sitting there with Kenneth in my lap was so awesome. He's such a cute kid, full of spunk. His eyes full of sparkle, his hair curly as ever. When the scene came up where Lois was about to kiss Superman, he put his hands in front of his eyes. My friends all laughed at how cute that was, and I have to wonder where a four year old learned that from. He really got into it though during the action scenes, and it looks like he favorite hero Spiderman is going to have a little competition now. Haha, of course I had a little something to do with that as I kept saying whoa, look, Superman is so strong. He can fly. Spiderman can't so that! In many ways, Kenneth reminds me of myself when I was a kid, running around the house with a towel wrapped around my back pretending to be Superman!

Today was also my sister's graduation from UCLA. I can't believe it's been four years already. I remember writing in this blog about her going off to school, and now she's finished. Man, has it been that long already? So I left the house at six this morning for the trek up to LA with my family. I must say, UCLA is definitely a nice looking school. A lot more of a collegiate feel than UCI by far. Hmm, I wonder how USC is.

Anyway, the ceremony was a lot smaller than I expected. Apparently UCLA vastly divided up its ceremonies, and even though my sister told me that this department was the largest department graduating, it was quite small. I'm guessing maybe only a hundred undergraduates and three graduates? It's quite a change from my UCI graduation, where the school of biology had over five hundred graduates. That was good though, as it made the ceremony faster. That sun was becoming quite unbearable for a while there.

It was a nice ceremony though. The speakers were actually decent and the student speaker was quite funny. It's a testament to my biological science roots that I still understood and was vaguely familiar with what she was talking about. Suck a geek I am! But though the whole ceremony was nice, it felt a little cheesy. Not what I expected from one of the most renown schools in the country. The students were so sedated. Yes, they were cheering here and there, but there was not the same sense of bottled up chaos waiting to explode like at other graduations I've attended. The graduate students didn't get hooded, which if that were me, I would feel totally cheated. And there was no symbolic moment, no grand gesture of moving the tassel from the left to the right symbolic of the ascension into the next step, and even after the ceremony concluded, the students didn't even toss their caps! Cheesy much.

Afterwards we headed out down to Venice Beach to eat at C & O's. Supposedly it's this great Italian place that everyone in LA raves about, and my sister's been trying to get me to go for years now. Yes, it was good, but maybe she hyped it up too much because I only thought it was alright. Or maybe it's like my cousin said, I've been to old school Italy, so of course the food over here can't compare. True. True. I told them that they should all come over sometime so I can make linguine with clams. Save them a long drive for food just as good!

She's busy packing up now as it's her last week there. The movers are coming next Sunday to bring everything home. I'm sure it's all bitter sweet for her. For me though, I'm so glad I never have to endure that LA traffic again! Haha. I know, I'm such a bad brother.

Ah, back to work tomorrow. I got an e-mail over the weekend about a new rehab project proposal and it looks like we're going to look into how feasible it is to develop rehab programs using the Wii controller. That should be pretty fun eh?
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Can a person love two people at the same time? That thought has been on my mind lately. If not, does that mean I can never love another person until my love for MCAT Girl has dissipated? Or if so, does it mean that whomever I fall in love with in the future will always have to share a portion of my heart with her?

So apparently if you go to Google and search for "MCAT Girl", this site comes up number one. Nice to know I coined a new term!
Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I took my car in this weekend for its ten thousand mile service. The first thing that the service advisor said to me was that he recommended new tires immediately. Upon further inspection, it looked like my front wheels were misaligned and the front tires had worn down to the bare metal threading. To think, I was driving around like that! Quite an eye opener. When I asked how much two new tires and an alignment job would cost, he said "to be honest, you're looking at leaving here with a thousand dollars service. I'm sorry." Wow, talk about bad news first thing in the morning.

That was quite a considerable amount, and so I hesitated. He pushed further, but for some reason, the more he recommended it, the more I felt the desire to look elsewhere. When I asked why I couldn't just take it for an alignment job elsewhere, he said most places weren't set up to do it. And when I asked why I couldn't just get regular tires instead of the special high performance, low profile run flats, he reiterated that it wasn't a good idea to mix and match the front and back tires. I don't know if he was pulling my chain or not, but I still stood firm and told him I'd think about it, and if necessary, I'd return during the week. Something just didn't feel quite right, like he was trying to push a sale too much. Still, he had rattled me quite a bit and so I've been driving pretty passively ever since.

After checking out a few local specialty places around here since then that do only tires and alignments, I got everything dealt with today. I managed to get lifetime alignments and two sets of tires for half the cost of what the dealership wanted. It's so funny, I've never been so happy to spend six hundred bucks before. Man, how sad is that? Since when did I get to that point where I could spend half a grand on a car and not really flinch. Where it would almost seem like normal to me? Haha, maybe my family is right, I do live large.

You know, even though I do treat myself well, I can still draw the line between pretentious people and me. When I was at the BMW dealership and watching the clientele of that place, I don't know why, but they all rubbed me the wrong way. There was this one customer standing there watching over his car as these poor guys were washing it in the hot sun and he was just giving them orders, pointing out spots here and there. All the while, he was using a lint brush on his black outfit. I know, I know, I shouldn't judge a book by its cover, but man, that guy just made me roll my eyes. I swear, if I ever become even ten percent like that, shoot me.

Let's see, what else. Work. Work's been going well, outside of a few things here and there that bug me. I feel a rant coming. Did I ever say that I hate micro managing? There's a guy I work with that has this annoying habit of e-mailing me, then immediately calling me up after sending it and telling me "I just sent you an e-mail..." What the heck? I can read you know. And then there's other times where I just want to work in peace. I know what the projects are and I know what needs to be done. I don't need to be bothered on the phone with lame suggestions that won't work or ideas for less effective implementations when I know exactly how I want to do it. When everyone is stressing that projects need to be done by July, I just laugh and think to myself that it's plenty of time. I know, that's so bad of me. I'm not really a team player now am I? Though I'm not cocky and arrogant and I'd never belittle anyone, yes, I'm guilty of being way too overconfident in my abilities. I hope it never comes back to bite me in the ass.

Great news. My aunt that got married last year, the one whose wedding I went to, told me that she and Mel are three months pregnant. I swear, what's up with all these babies popping out at once? I just had one cousin give birth, I'm expecting both my cousin and my stepbrother to have kids this July, and now this. Ah, the family is growing. How time flies, doesn't it? I still remember when my aunt and I were little kids, playing at my uncle's house along with Sir Spend-A-Lot and her sister. And here we are, almost twenty years later. Who would have thought?

So I've been branching out in my cooking a bit. I tried my first hand at thit suon kho the other day. My aunt was laughing as I was working in the kitchen, worried that what I was making would turn out to be inedible. Well it turns out that I was actually quite successful. So much so that half way through the cooking, my cousin came into the kitchen to ask what smelled so good. Needless to say, my aunt was amazed, and she even had to admit that it was all pretty good afterwards. Tonight I made some sesame garlic chicken for lunch tomorrow. I'll have to comment after I taste it on how it was.

I snapped this picture of my cousin working on a painting while I was preparing dinner tonight. Can you believe she's only a junior in high school? Quite talented. I guess she gets it from me =) Just playing of course. She has way more creative talent than I'll ever have.

I saw the trailer for I Am Legend. That was a pretty cool book. Hopefully the movie will translate faithfully. I have my doubts, but we'll see. I'm still more stoked about The Time Traveller's Wife filming soon. I just finished the book again and every time that I reach the end of it, I get all depressed. Even though I know exactly how it's going to end and what happens to the main characters that I love, it just tugs at my heart and affects me the same way each time. I find it hard to let go and over and over again, I feel the same pain. Such a beautiful story, a love that transcends time.

Ouch, I've been having these piercing headaches all night. Hope it's nothing serious.

I love how the erhu and the violin and all these other strings sound so emotional. I heard this song today and thought of her. How I miss her. I wonder if there's someone special in her life now. *sigh* I find that time has only made it easier to let her go, but it hasn't ebbed my love for her one bit.


Lòng mong ước em đẹp đôi...
tình yêu ấy đành nhưòng lối đi.
Trái tim anh thật lòng
chúc cho em hạnh phúc.
Thursday, June 7, 2007
What the hell? The whole situation with Paris Hilton is just a complete fiasco and a total mockery of the justice system. The fact that her sentence got cut down from 45 days to 23 days for good behavior which turned out to be nothing more than showing up in court was ridiculous enough. Then she gets a private cell and preferential treatment. And now after all that hoopla, she gets released after a measly 3 days, even though the judge in the case specifically forbid any alternative form of punishment. Supposedly it's due to some nervous breakdown. What, did she freak out because she's wearing the same outfit for more than 2 days? Or that her natural roots are showing? Just goes to show you that money can buy anything in this country. Sucks. The rich get all the benefits and the rest of us just suffer. What's next, they give her the Congressional Medal of Honor for surviving such a harrowing experience?

Wouldn't it be totally ironic that if after she's free, she drives while intoxicated and ends up killing someone? I wonder who would take the fall in that case. I swear, I can't stand the spoiled girl. Maybe I'm a bit mean, but I hate that she and her family thinks that because they have money, that she's above the law. You made your own bed, now lie in it.

Anyway, so Father's Day is coming up and I finally got my gift today. Now I need to get the plans together for the family get together. Oh get this, this really irritated me today. I had originally planned on throwing a party for my step dad and all my uncles in honor of Father's Day, just like I did for Mother's Day. Now the thing is, when I volunteered for that, no one seemed to have any issues. And when they asked me to prepare the beach party for Memorial Day, again, no issues. And yet for Father's Day, just because one or two uncles might not come, my aunt and my mom decided that we shouldn't do it. Their reason is that they're thinking of me and how unfair it would be on me since I would thus have to burden the majority of the cost and do all the work. Plus my sister's graduation is the same weekend and I'd be too tired. I think it's all just an excuse. They don't want to do it.

There is such a thing as selfish love isn't there? No one seemed to care that much when I got only 2 hours of sleep and headed out to Dana Point early in the morning, so why all the sudden concern about waking up early for the drive up to UCLA? And about the costs, who cares? What about my step dad and all my uncles that *can* come? They say that I should just let each individual family do their own thing, but it's so obvious that it's my just my mom and my aunts speaking because all the men seemed really sad. I know my family and how close we all are, and I could see and hear the disappointment, especially the uncles that don't have families of their own.

Over the course of this past week, e-mails have been sent back and forth without me really saying anything, but finally today I was irritated and fed up to the point where I just responded to everyone that I'm using my veto power and despite the women's suggestions, I'm throwing the party anyway. Whoever wants to come can come. Needless to say, my uncles are all ecstatic. I think it's the right thing to do. They all helped raise me to the man I am today, and I'm grateful. It's like that old Vietnamese saying, your uncle is as your dad. Still, I'm still in disbelief if it will actually carry out to fruition though, just because the other side seems so adamant. We'll see.

I remember last year I wanted to have a little party just for my immediate family, step brothers and step sisters included, to honor my step dad. My mom got on my case about how I shouldn't do that because they wouldn't help or pitch in and it's all on me. We kept going back and forth on the issue, but in the end I just got so frustrated that I said screw it, never mind then, and was actually quite mad for a while. I still feel bad that my step dad ended up getting nothing. Selfish love indeed.

So I saw Trish at BC last night. Man, that place is getting so crowded. It's rowdy and fun, but the wait was well over an hour, and that's considering I think the hostess bumped me up a few places because they seem to know us. Still, got to see the Ducks win the Stanley Cup while we were there. Freaking awesome! I remember a few years back when they were in the finals and lost game 7. Man I was bummed. Whoa, was that 3 years ago? That must have been during the time I met J because I remember her cheering the Ducks along with me. Hmm, I wonder what she's up to. Hope she's doing well and better off without me. Sometimes I sit and think of her and wish I could have done things differently, maybe treated her better. But then I think it's better this way. Even though her feelings for me were so genuine and sincere, my heart belonged elsewhere and I needed to be fair to her. Ironic that now I'm in the same situation except the roles are reversed. Life's ironic that way isn't it? Karma.

I was reading this article that states one should be wary of 4 types of people when you have a significant other. Their coworkers, which they rated as a severity of 4. The drunk but fun person they meet at parties or clubs, though that was only a 1. The ex was troublesome to a level 3. And the opposite sex close friend, who was a huge 5. Looks like everyone agrees, you spend enough time with someone that you start developing feelings. Shame MCAT Girl never let me spend more time with her!

Speaking of ex's, according to studies, 20% of the nation's population considers looking up your ex on the Internet cheating. Weird. Personally I don't think it constitutes cheating. A little curiosity maybe. Then again, like Hombre pointed, 50% of this country voted Bush in, so it just goes to show that the populace doesn't exactly have it all there with regards to logic. =)

Sunday, June 3, 2007

I dreamt of her again last night. It was a painful dream involving her and Bob that I don't care to remember.

I got to hear her voice today though, which was an unexpected pleasant surprise, and totally brought a smile to my face. Oh how I've missed her. To what levels, she doesn't realize. Of course I didn't tell her though. I stopped telling her how I felt about her a long time ago. I think she prefers it that way.

I finally got around to watching The Last Kiss last night. Whoa, Rachel Bilson is pretty and totally seductive. But the movie, man, what a trip. Depressing isn't exactly the right word, but it's definitely the exact opposite of uplifting. Not a date movie like I thought whatsoever. Watching it makes you realize that life isn't happily ever after. Relationships inevitably fail. Temptations exist around every corner, and if you take anything for granted, it's gone. People lie. People cheat. And people hurt the ones they love the most. Everything is hard and nothing is easy. And you can see the various stages people go through once love decays. Very dark, very gloomy. But I gotta say, I liked it. However much I liked movies like Where The Heart Is, they're just not realistic. Real life hurts and is full of misery, and this movie had that. This movie felt real. A lot of quotes were memorable but this one stood out to me.

Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts.

It's true isn't it? I mean I say I love MCAT Girl all the time here, but what good is that? That means nothing, nothing at all to anyone, except to me. Heck, it doesn't even mean anything to her and she's the target of my affection. And how many guys out there claim they've loved her and love her still, whether or not they really do? What I feel is nothing unique or extraordinary or special and I shouldn't make it out to be larger than life like some magical romance written in the stars. It's all just words being proclaimed outloud. But my actions, the second part of that quote, that's where I hope I stood out. One day she can look back on me sadly and think ah, yes, that guy, the way he acted and how he treated me, he really loved me. I pray that my actions have spoken louder than any words I've uttered.

I used to think that love was enough. That if I found a girl that I loved with all my heart, and if she loved me in the same way, then we would make everything work. But I don't believe it anymore. Too many things have opened my eyes to that cynical truth, that love as I've imagined it is nothing more than an idealistic fairy tale. But it's ok that way. I have no problem with that. In fact, I'd rather be single my entire life and perfectly content, than end up in a marriage in which there was no love.

There's a difference between interest and commitment. When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you're committed to something, you accept no excuses, just results.

We all make choices in our lives. Sometimes we make the right choices and end up happy. And invariably, there are those times in which we look back and wished we took the other path. But we all have a choice. I know I made a choice in loving her and telling her how I felt. Out of all others, I chose her and I chose to want to be with her. I chose to be committed to her, and that's why I know my feelings ran deeper than just a passing interest. But likewise, she had a choice and she made it. So I hope that whomever she ends up with, he has that deep level of commitment to her as well.

Ah, enough about love. In the afternoon today, I stopped by Playa's new office to help him network his computer systems together. His parents are always happy to see me and they're the nicest people I've ever met. His mom is this tiny smiling little lady that always grabs my arm and pats my bicep as she walks with me. When I went about my business efficiently setting everything up and rapidly finishing, they expressed such marvel at my skills and gratitude towards me that I actually felt guilty. It was no big deal.

Before I left, they asked me when it was my turn and that they were waiting for that day. I just laughed and smiled at them. There's no rush.

Afterwards, I picked up some BC for my parents, who have been interested in trying it for quite some time and were waiting for the day in which I would take them. *Sigh* I know I'm not the perfect son and that I should really visit them more often. In so many ways I try to be all that I can, now and in the future. A good son. A good brother. A good friend. A good husband. A good father. And a decent role model. It's tough though. But I try.

The rest of the night was just spent cooking for the week. For some time now, I've been cutting back on all this eating out. Besides the monetary costs weighing on me, it's taking a toll on my health, one in which I can feel. So I've been going to the gym, playing some basketball, cooking for myself. I've convinced myself that I'm no longer that kid in college anymore and it's time I stopped living such a bachelor lifestyle. It's time to grow up some more. Domesticated indeed.


Saturday, June 2, 2007
I dreamt of MCAT Girl last night. And she looked beautiful as ever.

We were together somewhere and waiting for something that I can't remember. During that time though, this guy comes up out of nowhere and starts talking to her. He was saying all this ridiculous stuff, hitting on her and sweet talking her, all while I was thinking to myself how shallow and meaningless some of what he was saying sounded. Cheesy even. I was asking myself why was she listening to this when it's so obvious that he's just trying to play her? Getting her to fall for him and then once he has his way, he would no longer care about her? He didn't love her at all.

But I could see that she was responding to his advances, fake though they were, and I pleaded with her to listen to me. It was to no avail though, and soon, she got up and left with him, but not before reassuring me that she would be right back. She never returned.

The rest of the dream was just a shamble as I tried desperately in vain to look for her. I remember feeling such deep pain, a huge sense of loss weighing on me, so much that as I awoke, the sting in my heart was still fresh.

I hate dreaming about her now. It's a no win situation for me. Dreams like these leave me in anguish and break my heart. And dreams where we are in fact together are nothing more than fleeting glimpses of a happiness that I'll never share with her. Fantasy and not reality.

My friends ask me why I'm not mad at her more. Why do I let her affect me? They say that if she's so adamant that we're friends, then why did she just disappear without saying goodbye? A good friend wouldn't do that. I don't know. Like I said, maybe I made our friendship much more than it really was. But I do know that I don't have the heart to be mad at her. I miss her. I love her. And I always wish her well.