Freaking a, just got to work and realized, where the hell is my wallet? Better not have lost it! Man, looks like I'll be running home during my lunch break now. Better not get pulled over, no ID. Arf.

Couldn't sleep again last night. Must have only gotten about 3 or 4 hours. I'm exhausted. It's sure going to a long day at work today.

...

Wow the day was so slow. Work just wasn't challenging me today and I found myself watching the clock over and over. When I finally wrapped up, I was looking forward to losing myself with some friends over dinner. It's funny talking to my friends. Those guys are so money, girls left and right, and they tell me that I should forget it all and just play the field. And you know else was funny? We were sitting there discussing which of us would be single longer, myself or Laomedon, to which Hombre replied with you, it's just that you hate girls. Him, he's actually afraid of them, and that's harder to get over. I never thought of it that way.

I don't hate girls. It's more like how am I supposed to feign interest when everyone knows where my heart already is? I gave her all of my heart a long time ago; I kept none of it for myself. I find that I question myself, asking why I keep holding on when there's nothing to hold onto. I guess it's just blind faith. Somewhere in my heart I truly believe we were meant to be together. Maybe I'm wrong, and maybe it will be in another lifetime. Maybe I'm just dreaming. If that's my fate, I guess I must accept it. Be it as it may, that's how I feel. Faith... a weird thing isn't it?

Over dinner, I called up Th and wished her a happy birthday today, reminding her that we have to hit up Disneyland one of these days. And then I talked to Sr, asking her if she wanted to come to Playa's birthday party this Friday. She said no at first, but when I said Hombre would be there and would possibly bring his date, she was all ears. I always knew she had a thing for him!

Before hanging up, she asked me if I saw Wicked yet. I had consulted with her earlier this year over the seat selections for that show when I bought a certain someone tickets as a birthday gift. I told her no, I never saw it. She was pretty surprised. She never agreed with how much I spent on those tickets considering the show was sold out, and after finding out that we didn't go together, I think she disapproved even more.

I noticed Hombre and I see things quite differently. When I suggested that he go watch Gwen Stefani with this new girl he's seeing in June, he responded by saying it was crazy to spend that much money on tickets for her. That he would never do such a thing. And here I was, not only thinking about it, but also thinking about the Tapis Rouge Experience for Cirque Du Soleil's Corteo in November. For someone I'm not even seeing. I'm just weird I guess.

I've been in fuck-it mode for a few days now and it's not light on my pocketbook. I finally bought that which I've had my eye on for quite some time now. You can't put a price on memories though, and my entire family's absolutely going to love it. As we were sitting and relaxing tonight, just shooting the breeze, M told me that if I truly was in fuck-it mode, I should just throw caution to the wind. Bury whatever it is I feel and just strike it up with any girl I see. Is that really the best thing for me? I really doubt it somehow...

I miss the sound of her voice.

Where do I even start? I don't even know if what I'm about to write is all that coherent. My mind is full of wandering thoughts, so I'm sure it's all going to be one long ass rant...

I had just left work yesterday when I got a call on my cell. I never pick up numbers that I don't recognize, usually just letting it go to voicemail. Within minutes though, it rang again, same number, and it got me curious. So I picked it up. The voice on the other line was some guy asking me is this Vu? I didn't respond, merely asking back who is this? Ugh, this is Kevin. Strange, I don't know any Kevin. Tracy's friend. Who? I don't know any Tracy either. And who are you again? Oh, I mean Thuy then. And in that instant, it hit me who this was...

Yes, it was him, Bob's Big Boy himself. He starts asking me all these questions, interrogating me as if I owe him something. But my mind is in complete shock. I give him no heed. In fact, I can't comprehend anything at all. There I was, in direct contact with the guy that I used to envy so much. I used to imagine what I would say to him if I had the chance, to tell him how lucky he was and that he should always treasure her. Cherish her. Count his blessings. In that moment, all I could think about was how he had had everything that I ever hoped for in life, and that made me so angry. How could he have been so stupid as to let it all go? To let her go? Didn't he know how extremely lucky he was, how I would have given anything to trade places with him? I felt the fury in me growing with each passing second.

A thousand new thoughts race through my head. How did he get my number? What did he want with me? And where was she? Did she know he would be calling? He asked me what we were, and I replied back why did you care? I'm the fiance. I have a right to know. I was stung, the wind knocked out of me. What the hell was happening? It was bad enough that I haven't heard from her for awhile. Now this. They weren't back together were they? Surely she would have told me. Wouldn't she?

Reluctantly, I admit to him the truth. We're friends. We've always been friends. I wonder if I sounded bitter at that? What do you mean he asks. She's repeatedly told me that she views me as nothing more than a friend. I think to myself, what more do you want from me? He starts again... Look, I know that in the past, you both have liked each other... what? She's never told me that she had feelings for me. Is he making all this up or has she been keeping something from me?

He keeps asking me questions. And I keep asking him what, are you guys together? Finally he says yes, we're still together. You're lying. I can hear in it in your voice and the manner in which you answer. Still, there's something he's not telling me. I'm uneasy. If you're the fiance, where have you been? Away at my residency just finishing up. What about you, what year are you. Have you finished yet? Hmm, he doesn't know me then. Interesting. How did you get my number? Don't you believe me when I say I have infinite resources and found you? Please, is he trying to intimidate me? I laugh out loud at him. NO! You're lying again. And now you're bullshitting me. You snooped though her e-mail. Her phone. Maybe you even found this site. Whatever.

If you guys are just friends, what's with this San Francisco trip? What the hell are you talking about now? What trip? The one last week. She took a trip somewhere last week with some guy? Why didn't she tell me? Does she think hiding it from me would be better or something? How many times have I told her that I love her enough to step aside? Wait, why am I trusting him? He's desperate, grasping at straws. Look, I have no idea what you're talking about, but last week I was in Europe. If you were gone and I was gone, who was she with then? When she goes off, who does she go with? What are you talking about? You mean work? Where does she go? You really don't know do you? Then again, neither do I really.

Do you guys go out? Lunch? Dinner? How often? Do you talk? How often? Why did she send you an e-mail from her cruise? Why was she thinking about you? What did she do for you that you thought was so special? I shake my head. He has no idea what he's talking about. He's searching for information that isn't there. I'm not giving him anything. And I'm through wasting my time. Hombre is waiting for me. Listen, I have an appointment that I'm late for. You can call me later if you have anything else. When? A couple of hours at least. Ok, I will.

I met up with Hombre and told him about the call. He says that I was too polite, that I should have been more rude. Or just say that yes, we were more than friends. Who cares. I don't know.

At home, I didn't know what to do. Did she know that he got her information somehow? I tried calling her. No answer. Tried again. Still no answer. The hours passed. Again. And again. Where was she? The night passed into the early hours of the morning. She never called back. Neither did he.

I had a horrible sleep. Couldn't sleep. I woke up early, the anger in me still fuming. What was so special about him? I used to picture him as some smooth confident person that she could look up to. And yet after that conversation, to me he was nothing more than an immature and insecure sore loser. A kid. He reminded me of Playa in high school. And he's supposed to be a doctor? He doesn't love her. He has no idea what true love even is. Obsessive. Possessive. Jealous. Crazy even. He deserved to lose her and she deserves better.

Love isn't about wanting her for yourself. It's about making her happy. Of doing all you can to ensure that, putting her happiness above your own. It's about making her feel cherished and special. It's about comforting her when she needs a shoulder to cry on and giving her space when she needs room to breath. And it's about knowing when you need to step aside.

I grow ever more mad. How could a guy like that win his way into her heart whereas it seems like there's nothing I could do to get through to her? You know what's stupid? Between me and him, one person would take his own life unless she agreed to be with him, and one person would give his own life to protect hers. You tell me which is love there. And yet which one of us is the one that she loved? It just isn't fair.

Why am I so mad now? Is it because of the possibility of what he said was true? Is it because I can't reach her and talk to her? Or is it because whatever her problems are, she always chooses to hide them from me, so that I find out through surprises?

Am I mad at myself for always holding onto hope when here is yet another sign in the long and endless signs she's already shown me and told me about? Remember, her family is constantly trying to hook her up. So are her friends. And she has other guys as well. Where do I stand in all this? Simple fact is... nowhere. She's said so. The feelings aren't there. So why do I bother?

And all this talk about us being close friends... are we really? Shouldn't a close friend lean on the other's shoulder in time of need? What's the point of being her friend if she keeps everything hidden from me? Without that, we're just impersonal acquaintances who exchange sporadic phone calls. Sometimes I feel like our relationship is only one way, that she knows me so well and yet I barely know her.

I remember telling him that we're just friends. He sounded like he didn't believe it. I wanted to say believe it man. We're friends. We'll always be friends. We've been friends long before you and we'll continue being friends long after you too.

I get to work where I bury myself in my work all day. No rest except a quiet lunch where I reflect on my thoughts. Since then, I've been in pretty much fuck-it mode. I drove around for a bit clearing my head tonight. Didn't really help though. Can't sleep now either.

I had hoped to spend some time with her soon, especially since I get Friday off. Doesn't look like that will happen.

I'm back! How was Europe? It was exhausting! My body took quite a beating, from high tailing it miles back to catch our train to ascending hundreds of flights of stairs to reach look out points high above the city. It was up at dawn and no sleep until past midnight. And it was nerve racking, losing ourselves in unknown cities with no one able to speak the language. But it was such an awesome experience. For a period of a little more than two weeks, I bonded with my friends that I've known since high school. I was exposed to some of the richest and most culturally significant wonders that this world has to offer. And I was overwhelmed at it all, often times thinking to myself that just a few weeks ago, I was sitting there bored in front of a computer and now here I was at the footsteps of such monuments like the Colosseum and the Eiffel Tower. Needless to say, I took tons of pictures and so I'm working on editing and organizing them all to share here some time. I also thought about a certain someone a lot on my trip. I wrote down my thoughts throughout the adventure and I've debated if I should rewrite them here so that I don't forget. They're a lot more personal than I tend to share, so we'll see.

So after such a nice break, I'm finally back at work. Yesterday was my first day back and it was filled with e-mails and phone calls and meetings to no end. But it's all good, the day passed by fast and today is Friday. I'm looking forward to hanging out with my friends tonight. Playa and his wife are coming and so is Mai I believe. We're hitting up sushi and then catching 300 afterwards. Should be fun to catch up with everyone now that I'm back. Ok, enough for now. I just wanted to write a bit so that this month's entries wouldn't be so empty. I'll recap the rest of my week more over the next few entries.

Hello everyone. Yes, I'm still here. I haven't written anything lately and I guess I had my reasons, but I hope enough time has passed where that no longer is an issue. Anyway, there's a lot I need to catch up on, but for now, let me just say that I'm off to Europe tonight! Early tomorrow morning actually. The shuttle is supposed to pick us all up at 3:30. Wish me a safe and fun journey and I'll write about it when I return after the 22nd. If you hear about four Americans getting stranded or mugged in Europe, pray it isn't us! =O

Oh, while you're at, pray for someone I really care for to do well on her interviews for me! I haven't heard from her in awhile but i hope she's doing well.

See you all when I get back!