I painted this for her... I still dream of the day when she accepts real flowers from me. Happy Valentine's Day.

I long to see the sunlight in your hair,
and tell you time and time again how much I care.
Sometimes I feel my heart will overflow...
Hello?! I've just got to let you know!
Cause I wonder where you are.
And I wonder what you do.
Are you somewhere feeling lonely?
Or is someone loving you?
Tell me how to win your heart,
for I haven't got a clue.
But let me start by saying... I love you.

~ Hello ~
.: Lionel Richie :.

God that song's depressing!

So she finally came home yesterday after being away from home for a month. Knowing that she would be tired from her flight in, I stopped by Godiva during the afternoon to get her a little something to try and lift her spirits a bit. Just a couple of strawberries and truffles to serve as a welcome home. No flowers though because I know I'm not the one she wants that from. Since she had given me her flight information, I was able to track her flight online and know when she would arrive. When I saw that it was coming in early, I headed over to John Wayne Airport to meet her and to give her her birthday gift. I guess I was still hoping to give it to her in time.

When I got there, the plane hadn't landed yet and so I was able to check which gate she would be coming through. They don't let visitors greet at the gate anymore, but I wanted to surprise her the minute she stepped passed the security terminal. As she got off the plane, I could see how radiant she looked. And despite how tired she must have felt, her appearance was still one of utmost beauty.

Of course she ruined my surprise by choosing a different path! I rushed to catch up to her and was able to surprise her just a few minutes later and welcome her home. It's been quite a while since I've seen her last, and she never ceases to just take my breath away. We talked for only a few minutes though and then I had to leave. Her sister and mother were nearby ready to pick her up. And when I left, I ended up having to take the gift with me, for she didn't want them to see it.

Am I bummed about it? Kind of. It's as if she were ashamed of me almost, keeping me a secret part of her life. That's not a very good feeling you know? But what can I do? It's her choice, her decision after all. I need to respect that. And I should know where I stand. I've thought a lot about it since then, and it just gets me so dejected. We live in completely different worlds it seems and it's like those worlds are fated to never cross. Sometimes when I'm feeling really low, I start to question if I would have ever been able to fit in her world in the first place. Have I been fighting an uphill battle that I was never meant to win? Have I been dreaming and mistaken? Why do I keep believing that we're destined for each other?

Part of me wonders if I should even give her that gift any more. Isn't it all a big sign? That after all this time, it's still sitting here on my desk? Doesn't that mean that I'm not supposed to give it to her? That I should go and get her something else instead? It's not even that big, and after all this build up, there's bound to be disappointment in it. I don't know. I'm sure I'm being stupid. I guess I don't think straight when I'm down. Anyway, I made this little graphic tonight before going to bed. It's no where near how much I want to say to her, but it will have to do. Everyone wish her the best for me! Good night all.

I was talking with my friend tonight. Apparently he and a girl were discussing the different criteria that they each look for in their significant others. The usual came up. Nice, sweet, and caring. Intelligent and funny. Quirky and endearing without being too weird. But let's face it. Everyone wants those traits don't they? No one ever says they want someone mean and inconsiderate. No girl would say she wants to be with a bum right? And to be honest, most people display these qualities anyway don't they? Some more so than others, true, but at the end of the day, aren't most people decent? So what does that all boil down to? The sad truth is that we may all talk about our criteria and what we look for in others, but all that really matters is attraction and if there's any feelings involved. I may find the most loving girl but if I don't find myself attracted her, then how can I ever develop loving feelings for her?

I also got to think about how voluptuary us guys are. Everything we look for involves the senses. The girl needs to look pretty. She needs to smell intoxicating. And sound like heaven. She needs to feel soft and wonderful. And taste... well that too =) Pleasure in the senses can evoke such emotions from us. Is that just the way the world works or is that something we guys should strive to rise above?

After dinner, we were sitting around talking about if he should do anything for Valentine's Day. I suggested surprising her by finding out her address and sending her some flowers. I was reminded of this time last year when she was away on business and I sent a small vase of roses to her hotel room to try and cheer her up. You know, I'm still not quite sure she ever got them. Or if she did, whether she liked them or not. Hmmm, oh well.

While we were looking up my old e-mails to see how I went about ordering and what I actually ordered, he noticed one of the old folders I had in my inbox. It had the name of his ex and so he was curious. As we went through those old message she sent me, he laughed because he pointed out that in that message, a message dated 2000, seven years ago, there was already mention of a certain someone in my life. Talk about being dedicated to someone for such a long time huh? That's the understatement of the year!

I came across this answer online today in regards to the question, what's the most precious gift that you could give to your loved one? I really like what it says:

Sole access to your soul.

That means honesty, openness, trust, vulnerability, baring the "real you," in contrast to the many faces and hats you're often required to put on with the rest of the world. That means exposing your weaknesses and ugliness along with the better angels of your nature.

It's an honor and a privilege to be allowed into someone's "inner sanctum;" the very private place which has a capacity of one. That, I believe, is the essence of marriage...of man and woman becoming "one flesh." Body, mind, spirit completely intermingled. : )