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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Just like that, the weekend's over. The weekends are always so short. Time flies when you're having fun.

On Saturday, I spent most of the day doing work around the house. You'd think that working around the house isn't what should be labeled as fun, but I enjoy it so. It's my house, my baby, the fruits of my labor. Besides, I enjoy taking care of others, even if it's just an inanimate object. And it's my time. Time to myself, time to think, time to reflect. I went through a lot of old boxes in the garage, looking for old clothes and things I could donate. I came across a lot of memento's and keepsakes. My old UCI jacket, my graduation robe, even the white jacket I went out and got the night after I saw Jelly wearing hers. A lifetime of memories, a lifetime ago it seems. Still a lot I have to clean up in there, but it's going as expected. I feel like Tim the Tool Man, trying to convert my garage into my own private workshop!

In the evening, my cousin's gathered at my place for some food and fun. Freaky thing though. I was at the grill in the backyard preparing it to cook the food. There I was, pressing the ignition on the starter, but it wouldn't start. I kind of figured it wouldn't because the flint's been dead for awhile, so I grabbed the long flame lighter and slowly lowered it into the gas as I've done in the past. Next thing I know though, I see this huge fireball come up from the grill. A huge mass of flame, it came up to engulf my entire upper body. I didn't even have time to react! All I remember was seeing the orange flame come at my face, closing my eyes shut, and feeling heat everywhere on my body! Luckily, it lasted only a fraction of a second, not enough for me to get burned. When I opened my eyes, I looked at my knuckles, which were closest to the flame. They were tender and read, but not burned. I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking how extremely lucky I was. And behind me, I hear Big Dogg saying "holy shit man, are you ok?" =) I can laugh about it now, thinking I could have burned my eyebrows off, but I was definitely rattled. Makes you realize life could change in an instant.

Anyway, we ate and chilled, talked and just enjoyed the night. Watched some Friends episodes and played a whole bunch of poker. Hombre and M joined us as well. I swear, I can't beat Hombre at poker. He's definitely my Everest, but then again, that's no shame. The guy was born with cards in his hands after all.

Today I just did some more housework. Hooked up the karaoke system that was being left unused at my parent's house. I figured it'd be good since I always seem to have gatherings. For dinner, I went down to my parent's and my sister's and brought them dinner. My sister asked me when I'm going to have a kid so that she could be an aunt. Haha, where the heck did that come from? My mom must be talking to her.

So now I'm just sitting here listening to music. I thought about taking a drive tonight. The air was cool and the night was pleasant, which was a nice change from all the smoky air we've been breathing lately. But I didn't. Now I'm just sitting here listening to music. I wonder if anyone out there ever thinks of me, the way I think of them?

I wonder if Thuy ever thinks of me.

**********************************************
I'd rather have bad times with you,
than good times with someone else.

I'd rather be beside you in a storm,
than safe and warm by myself.

I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart.

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart.

~ I'd Rather ~
.: Jasmine Trias :.
**********************************************


Friday, October 26, 2007
Went to Shocktoberfest at UCI tonight. I know I always rag on my alma mater, but man, I have to say that there's a lot of really pretty Asian girls there! I guess that means there's at least one redeeming quality about that institution. The final performance of the night, this dance montage with a huge cast, was pretty sweet. Loved the outfits too. Speaking of which, Halloween... what a brilliant excuse for everyone to walk around in slutty costumes. =)

Walking through the new student center, seeing Emerald Bay, it all brought back a wave of memories. Jellyhead. Her friends. A lot of fine memories. Man, I don't know what to feel really.

I saw this girl that totally reminded me of Thu. Hot, pretty, cute. Damn Jack. Damn.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

I was sitting at work on AIM today when I had these two conversations. The first excerpt is with playa's wife while he was out of the office (edited to remove names of course).

H: he and i went shopping for the baby stuff
H: d*** doesn't like to stay at the store too long
H: and i don't like the expression on d***'s face
H: all the baby stuff i bought
H: he said he never had all that stuff
H: when he was a baby
H: well i already bought the crib
H: he was like "that crib is as much as my bed"

And this second excerpt is with playa directly when he came back.

D: my woman
D: makes me do dishes
D: take out trash
D: clean bathroom/shower
D: sweep
D: mop
D: laundry
D: fold clothes
D: basically 90 percent of chores
D: i do
D: plus work

God, I get so irritated hearing such things. If that were me, and this were my first kid, I'd spare no expense. My wife would probably be the one that has to control me and drag me away from the baby store instead, and that's despite the fact that I make no where near as much as they do! Apparently he decided to go with formula because he doesn't want to put the money out for a breast pump! Can you believe that? And then to top it off, to hear him complain about how she doesn't do anything. What do you expect? She's pregnant for heaven's sake.

Am I wrong to feel this way? Is he just being normal and she's the one that's demanding too much? I have no idea. And I don't know why I get so irritated. It's their lives after all, and who am I to judge? But I think about what type of husband and father I'm capable of being and then I just get pissed at life for being this unfair and not allowing me that opportunity.

Monday, October 22, 2007


Here's just some of my Chicago pictures, barely a glimpse into all that happened last weekend.

On Thursday night after leaving work, I came home to make the final preparations for my trip. Even though it would only be for the weekend, the paranoid part of me always has to make sure that all is properly addressed, from tickets and luggage to itinerary and contact info. By the time I went to sleep, it was past 1 and I had only a couple of hours before my friends would be arriving at my house for the morning flight out.

I got up at 4, pretty dang tired. After showering and grabbing my things, I met up with Hombre, Laomedon, and M before heading out to the airport. I have to be honest, it was a little strange standing there in the terminal waiting. The last time I was there, it was eight months ago as I stood there at baggage claim waiting to surprise her from her trip home, ready to give her her birthday gift. Wicked tickets. More on that later. But yeah, it stung a little thinking about how much we've grown apart since then.

After sitting on the runway for what seemed like ages, we took off. Ascending through the clouds as the sun was rising in the horizon was absolutely beautiful. As we flew through the air, I could see my work and my home, and I smiled to myself knowing that this would be a nice little vacation away from it all.

Arriving in O'Hare, the group of us headed for the trains that led into the city and before you know it, we were on our way via metro into the heart of Chicago and the Magnificent Mile. Our first stop, Giordano's, for their legendary deep dish pizza. We all laughed, joking that this was the sole reason for our flight and so we were ready to head home. From there, we enjoyed the cityscape a bit before checking into our hotel and meeting up with the rest of our group.

Victoria was the first to arrive. She made the drive all the way from Indianapolis to meet up with us, despite the fact that she could only stay one day, which I thought was pretty cool of her. She kept saying all her previous trips to Chicago only consisted of eating so she was looking forward to taking in the sights with us. Cute girl company always a bonus =)

A little after that, Harold and Theresa showed up and we were off to explore the streets of Chicago. I have to say that it was gorgeous there. The architecture is so exquisite and detailed, and the sheer variety of buildings was amazing. Not to mention the grandeur of it all. Combine the that with the night lighting and it was it felt like such a change from the quiet that is Irvine. We visited Navy Pier and walked along Lake Shore before heading over to Lawry's to eat come prime rib with Dang and Quynh.

Eating at Lawry's was so funny. M sat there inspecting all the different cuts of prime rib, questioning his the voracity of his appetite and thinking that he should get the lighter "California Cut". We laughed at him, telling him we didn't just come all the way from California just to get a California Cut. Nah he said, and he seemed so sure as one by one, we all got the Lawry cut, which were huge pieces of meat. "Yeah, California is good... California is good... California is good". That's all I heard through through five people ordering. Then the waitress gets to M and asks "What cut would you like sir?" "Lawry Cut please" Hahaha, all the guys started laughing so hard!

Then there was Hombre, who gets drunk with the slightest drink. Needless to say, his inhibitions drop. There we were in the middle of dinner conversing with one another, when all of a sudden he says "Hey, that reminds me of the time Laomedon was planning Playa's bachelor party and said total nude it is!" We all looked at him and laughed, questioning why he would mention that story in front of so many girls. Not that it mattered though. He was so tipsy I doubt he noticed and so he just continued macking on Victoria!

It was a delicious meal, and of course we took pictures of everything we ate, a la Europe. We discussed the potential Asia trip next year, as well as a future getaway to New York. Ah, the finer things in life. Afterwards we took a stroll in the night. Downtown Chicago late at night is still a vibrant place to be and I felt pretty safe. There's no way I'd be walking if that were downtown LA! We ended up at the Hancock Building where we headed up to the Signature Lounge on the 96th floor. That's the first picture on the top, overlooking the city. Beautiful isn't it? I lost track of how long we stayed there but we didn't leave until it closed at 1am.

We headed back to the hotel to gather some things. Victoria, who looked beat all night, joked that we should be partying all night with no sleep. Well one thing led to another, and before you know it, we were walking down the streets looking for the nearest bar or club. After asking around random people on the street, and then taking a cab in which we somehow managed to fit seven people, we ended up in the Rush Street District, supposedly one of the more crazy night spots in Chicago. Inside The Loft, which was pretty ghetto, I had my first taste of a purple hooter. Before drinking it, we were told it was light, but man, that definitely burned going down. The tequila shots afterwards seemed like nothing compared to that. And despite having a lot to drink over the course of the evening already, I didn't even feel a slight buzz. It was probably all that food.

We went upstairs where there was a dance floor and proceeded to just enjoy. Theresa and Victoria sure can dance! Each in their own way, Theresa the more energetic dance, and Victoria the more hypnotic one. I'll have to admit, she caught my eye. I wasn't the only one though, as this one guy started talking to her. When Theresa saw that, she asked me "hey, is Victoria single? Cuz if not, I'll cb that guy for her. I'm good at that!" Haha, that totally made me laugh. After talking for a bit, word is, he asked her something and she turned him down, at which point his face was one of complete and utter shock. Disbelief, as if it were impossible for him not to score. All the guys laughed afterwards, mocking the guy and guessing that he had asked her to join him, only to have her say she was already with one of us. The look of disbelief would stem from seeing what type of guys he lost to! =)

There was this older man. I don't even know how to describe him, maybe like a 40 year old balding Napoleon Dynamite. He was there on the stage next to the Go Go poles just dancing by himself. His moves varied from slow mo robot to karate chop and he even ended the night with a slide across the floor. Everyone couldn't help but look and laugh. I mean this is the type of thing you see on youtube. But it was all good, because it was obvious he was enjoying himself, and he actually made all of us enjoy ourselves too. We wondered aloud if he spent every Friday there by himself.

By the time we returned to the hotel, it was 5 and everyone was completely beat. No rest for the weary though because we were up again 7. After booking the architecture boat tours, we headed over to the Field Museum. We saw Soldier Field and the harbor where the Observatory and Aquarium was as well. Not enough time to go into those though, so maybe on a future trip.

Inside the Field, I felt a wave of nostalgia come over me. All of a sudden, I was six again and there I was with my parents, going through the museum and looking at all the exhibits. There was Sue, the huge Tyrannosaur, complete and greeting me as if no time had passed at all. And of course there were the two elephants, the picture that I had always wanted my dad to take and yet it never turned out right. But there I was, twenty years later, and I didn't know what to feel really. Awe that I was back. Nostalgia and reflection. Sadness. Memories of a long time ago when life was so much simpler. And hopeful. Hopeful that one day I might take my own family through those halls as my parents did for me so long ago. I miss you Dad. If anything, this trip was just a way for me to remember you a bit more. I need to save more money so I can bring my parents and sister there now so that they can enjoy it too. Hmm, Vietnam trip next year first.

We spent a good portion of the morning at the Field. Part of the time, I was walking with M, just snapping pictures left and right, sharing my memories with him. Part of the time I was with Hombre as he was doing his comic relief bits. We came across a fossil that said this bone is for you to touch, which of course he had to get a picture with . Haha, we all started laughing at the double entendre of that message. We're sicko's =) For much of the time, I walked with Victoria through the mammal exhibits, and we had a chance to talk a bit about her family and her life. It's so surprising that this was only the third time I've met her but we seemed like old friends conversing. And I also got to looking for the Dinosaur exhibits with Harold. I'm glad Harold and Theresa got to go on the trip with us as well. We grew apart when she was in optometry school, but now that we're all working, hopefully we can catch up. She already has us planning when to go to Disney to catch the fireworks. If there's one person I know who matches my enthusiasm for Disney, it's her! Before leaving, she showed me her honeymoon pictures in the Bahamas. They look amazing and frankly, I'm jealous that I don't have anyone to share such an nice exotic and romantic vacation with.

We had to say good bye to Victoria before the architecture tour because she had to get back to Indiana for a charity even that night. Too bad she lives so far, otherwise we could all hang out more often. I was bummed, but at least I knew her sister Ly, Christie, and Han To were going to meet us later that night for Keng's Birthday at Japonais.

We walked around the streets a bit more and ended up on the north shore where our boat was waiting. Our tour guide was this old gentleman, virtually a walking encyclopedia. He sort of reminded me of Richard Donner in the way he spoke, but there we were just cruising down the river and he was telling us all of this amazing history behind the buildings. I don't even remember the details, and there were words like post modernism and classical and blah blah blah. He was spitting out names left and right. Amazing culture, and I actually felt proud that part of me was from Chicago.

Of course we saw the Sears Tower and the Hancock building, but we also saw all the other obscure ones that I never knew about. Like the building that was's the second largest on Earth, second only to the Pentagon. And the Opera House, which was designed to face away from New York City because the designer's daughter wasn't accepted on Broadway. We saw the Trump Tower being built, and also saw construction of the Chicago Spire, which when complete, will surpass 150 stories and will stand as the tallest building in the western hemisphere. All residential too, with rooms starting at almost a million. For sure I have to go back and see that for myself when it's complete.

After the tour ended, we did a bit of shopping for souvenirs, including hitting up Fox and Obel, this place that my coworker Steph recommended. I stopped by Fannie May and got some truffles for my family and also managed to pick up my customary shot glass. I have a nice collection from every trip now. I need to get a cabinet to display them in some time.

Dinner was at Japonais, supposedly one of the top sushi places in the country as rated by Yahoo. Our group was 20 strong, and I got the chance to see Han To and Christie, as well as their parents. Really nice people, and I managed to talk to the dad a bit over the course of dinner. Ly was there as well, and so was Neil. I'm sure he's a great guy and all, but for some reason, it bugged me when the food came out and he didn't wait for her to get her food before he started eating. Instead, he just dug right in without even offering her. Is that weird for me to be picky about stuff like that?

The food wasn't that bad. Maybe I've had so much sushi though, but I didn't think it was that amazing, especially with the price tag. It was good, don't get me wrong, but maybe I was expecting too much. The most creative dish I ate there was this dish called The Rock. We were served these razor thin slices of raw steak, which we were to cook on the rock itself. The rock was heated to like 500 degrees, so the meat literally sizzled upon touching it. Very weird, very unique. Definitely cool. I can see taking a date there =)

After dinner, we headed over to the theatre district where we were to catch Wicked at the Ford Oriental Theater. Like I mentioned earlier, I had gotten her tickets to Wicked in LA earlier this year, and a huge part of me had wanted to watch it with her. I know, I told her to take her sister so I can't blame her, but I guess part of me was totally disappointed that we didn't watch it together then. Was I expecting too much to think that she would decide to go with me instead? How realistic was I in thinking that? I don't know, but it doesn't really matter. What's done is done.

Though it ended up being a lot later than I planned, there I was, ready to finally see that musical. I hated the book. Not the story per say, but just his writing style. It was so tedious. Full of itself almost. and it was a chore to finish. Luckily, the musical deviates tremendously from the book. For the first half, I only thought it was alright, maybe because I was a bit tired. But after intermission, I felt the story picked up, and even the music got better. And at first, I didn't think the music was all that catchy, but since being back, I've been listening to the soundtrack and some of the songs are really stuck in my head. I've even associated some of them with some of the events and persons in Chicago too!

So the show was really cool. By the time we got out, it was pretty late. Half the group decided to go bar hopping. Me, not being in the mood to drink anymore, hung out with M and Theresa as we tried to find a place to eat at that time of night. Remember the movie Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle? Because of that, I was dying to get my hands on one, but unfortunately there was none in the area, and none of my friends were brave enough to explore the south side of Chicago at midnight haha. So instead, we stayed in my hotel room and just shot the breeze, talking and enjoying each other's company. Before you know it, it was past 2 and so we decided that we needed to start packing. Our flight was early in the morning and we had to leave the hotel at 6:30 at the latest.

Leaving Chicago and seeing the majestic buildings recede into the horizon was quite a bummer. It was so short and I didn't get a chance to see everything. Part of me wanted to go and look for my old home and my old school. To look at the hospital where my dad worked and where my sister was born. Next time.

So yeah, that was my trip. I'm so tired now, and I think that's why I sort of summarized and rambled more at the end than I should have. Don't mind the grammar mistakes as I'm too lazy to proofread. I just figured I needed to finish this entry tonight, as it's been too long. But it's all good. I have the memories in my head and a lot of pictures to remind me of a fun weekend with good friends.

Santa Ana winds are kicking like crazy here and there's tons of brush fires. The air is thick with ash and smoke and all I saw today was an orange horizon. I was driving home last night from my parents and looking up at Santiago Canyon, I could see the line of flames ripping across the mountainside. It actually looked quite beautiful from a distance, but I'm sure it's quite terrifying up close. Anyway, hope you guys are all safe out there.

**********************************************
Kiss me too fiercely, hold me too tight.
I need help believing you're with me tonight.
My wildest dreamings could not forsee,
lying beside you, with you wanting me.

And just for this moment, as long as you're mine,
I've lost all resistance and crossed some border line.
And if it turns out, it's over too fast,
I'll make every last moment last...
As long as you're mine.

~ Wicked Soundtrack ~
**********************************************


Thursday, October 18, 2007
I'm back from Chicago baby! Actually I was back since Monday, but I haven't found the time to update this blog with what happened over the weekend. Plus there's so many pics, I don't know which ones to share. So much fun, lots of good memories with good friends! Life is good.

Update should be coming in a few days or so.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007
I had the weirdest dream the other night. I dreamt of Jellyhead, and it was now in the present. But in my dream, she looked the same as she did back then, and even Kristie was the exact same age. There they both were, just as I remembered them, but as I was talking to her, it dawned on me that she was with my cousin Sir Spend-A-Lot. How weird is that? I mean I can understand dreams where we're together, or where she and her husband are apart, but to dream of that? That's weird. I must say though that it brought back a lot of fond memories. A lot of good times she and I had. Definitely.

So I was at work inquiring about V. Turns out that she had to extend her trip by an extra week because her sick father had recently passed away. To make things more tragic, she missed saying goodbye to him by just one day. I can't begin to imagine how much pain she must be feeling right now, and I wish there were something I could do. My deepest condolences to you. I'm so very sorry for your loss and I want you to know that if there's anything that I can do to help, don't hesitate to ask. That's what friends are for. It reminds me of all the loses I've suffered in my family, and how many loved ones that have been taken away from me. Life is so tragic that way isn't it? The only thing certain in life is death. How macabre.

I finished The Choice the other day, and I must say that he's getting quite predictable. Either that or I've read too many of his works and am starting to pick up on his style too readily. It wasn't a bad book, but it wasn't his best work either. I don't know, maybe it's my jadedness, but I don't find these stories about how people meet and fall madly in love with each other over the course of a weekend so believable anymore. And maybe that's why I enjoyed The Notebook and A Walk To Remember so much more than his latest works. The couples in those stories spent so much time together that you as the reader have a chance to bond and journey along with them down that path towards love. These new characters and these new scenarios, love happens so immediately that there's little development and little chance for you to bond with the character. And at the end of the day, little chance for you to believe that they actually love the other person. I found myself actually thinking yeah right when the main character professed his love.

Oh well, still a worthy pick up and an easy read if you're looking for an interesting story. I found it funny though that the main character's original love interest was named Kevin, and that they were supposed to get married. But in the end, she chose not to and left him. Hmm, sound familiar? Haha, a little different outcome in this case though. There's no more Kevin, but then again, I'm not in the picture either. =P

One more day and then I'm off to the windy city, Chi Town baby. Victoria called me up and asked me what my itinerary was, as she's planning on meeting up on Friday night and spend the night before returning on Saturday morning. This is going to be such a fun trip!

Just wanted to wish a very happy birthday to WutTheHuh, aka Lawnhawk, easily one of the prettiest girls I've ever met in person. She really enjoyed my gift last year and seems to always have it with her, which made me glad I put so much thought into it. I had thought about getting her something this year as well, but she's all the way in Singapore this year, and so M told me not to worry about it. Anyway, just wanted to say that I hope you had an awesome birthday and as always, never lose that radiant smile of yours!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Booty sucks! 4 interceptions, are you freaking kidding me? Why the heck does the genius that is Pete Carroll keep sticking with that guy? I've said it all last year and I kept saying it all this year. I'll keep saying until he's gone!

Get this, I'm sitting there with Big Dogg watching the game. The whole time, I'm screaming at the tv. When SC went ahead 23-14 early in the 4th, he asked me why I was still so upset. I told him this exact quote: "Just watch man. Stanford will get a field goal, then Booty will suck and throw an interception. Then the Cardinals will score a touchdown and win it by 1. That missed extra point's gonna hurt!" And like Nostradamus, I sat there in misery as the last 10 minutes of the fourth quarter played out exactly as I predicted. Field goal, check. Interception, check. Touchdown, check. And even after Stanford went up, Big Dogg looked at me and laughed, saying that there was still about a minute left to get in field goal range. My response as I glowered at the screen? "I have faith in Booty man. Watch, he'll get intercepted." Guess what happened? Yup. And with that, there goes the 35 game home win streak. Leave it to Booty to ruin such a beautiful thing.

I hate being right all the time. Screw it, I'm not watching SC football anymore. My voice can't handle me yelling at him all the time. At least he graduates this year and will be gone. =)

Beautiful days lately though huh? The nice breezes we've been having have left us with brilliantly blue skies filled with the softest clouds you've ever seen. Makes me feel like a kid again.

Came across the song Tinh Con Phong Ba while surfing online, which means love with vicissitude. Listen to it... kick. ass. song. It's been stuck in my head all day.

So I finally opened up and started reading The Choice today. Let's see what I think of it in a few days.

Thursday, October 4, 2007
Don't know why but I've been pretty happy lately. For some reason, I feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders. Is it because I'm wrapping up a lot of important stuff at work? Is it because I'm excited about taking off to Chicago for a weekend? Is it because my cousins are coming home for a week to visit and we're all gonna hang out? Is it because the holidays are approaching? Is it because of what's happened with Thuy? And Thu? And Thuy Tien? Probably a little of everything. Some more than others. I'm sitting here listening to music as the cold night air is blowing into my room, a strange of euphoria enveloping me.

So Thuy Tien was telling me that Easily just gave birth, which totally caught me off guard. I mean she's not due until December! It turns out it's true though, and so I plan on visiting her this weekend to see her and the new baby. Luckily both mother and child are doing ok. I know I always bad mouth doctors about their usual ineptitude, but it looks like in this case, their care for such an early birth is showing good results.

I was thinking to myself today about Thuy's attempt to set me up with her friend, which brought a smile to my face. So funny. Thing is, this girl's a doctor, which kind of turns me off. What is about that profession and egos? Why is it that most doctors I meet have such a complex? Especially the girls? Beats me, but I swear, in all my life, I've only met like a hand full of doctors that didn't think they were all that.

Speaking of which, P came to visit me at work the other day. Apparently he's doing rotations at UCI now and so he was in the area. It was good seeing him again. He's one of the few that I mention above, who doesn't think he's all that. Down to Earth guy, pretty cool. I think he's gonna make a good doctor.

Anyway, I also thought about Thu, and Jap Girl's comments about my seemingly endless fixation with Catholic girls. They don't like you, you know? Haha, what's sadder, that I seem to be attracted to these girls that are of this strictest religion, or that those girls refuse to let me in because of that difference, despite the fact that they like everything else about me? Ah how much better the world would be if we could all just get a long eh?

The days are definitely getting shorter. When I get up in the morning, it's dark, and when I leave work at night, it's dark. Still, this cold air seems to give me a lot of energy. Yes, don't know why, but I've been smiling a lot lately. Night all.

Monday, October 1, 2007

I would think of all those times I wanted to grab you and kiss you. But you didn't know, so I would just pretend everything was cool, but really inside, it was killing me. And I remember all those mornings before you even put on your makeup, and I would think to myself, my god, she's beautiful. It hurt so much because I knew I could never tell you... that it was worth it, just to be there... looking at you.

I think it's horrible that we've grown up in a society that has fed us these dreams and idealizations of a perfect romance, where love can conquer all and two people loving each other is enough to conquer any obstacle. In real life, love is never so. Love is fleeting, and fickle, and chances are even if you love someone, they won't love you back.

Have I truly become so jaded? I managed to buy Nicholas Sparks's new book The Choice last week on the day it was released, and yet here it is on my desk, and I haven't gotten around to reading it. In the past whenever any of his other books were released, I'd find myself spending hours the first night just ripping through it, anxious to expose myself to yet another heart breaking tear jerker. Many times I would sit in Barnes and Nobles flipping through his prologues and back covers, burying myself in a world where love would be so strong. And yet here I am now, and for whatever reason, I don't feel that tug to open the book and start reading. Maybe it's that my heart's numb now. Or maybe it's because it's so blatantly obvious to me that such stories serve as nothing more than mere reminders that the real world isn't as I imagine it. Now that the thought of my own little Notebook story has faded, I don't really feel compelled to open a new chapter.

Wow, it's been one year to the day in which she broke my heart and told me that she wanted to be with someone else. Her words still echo in my head, and just the thought of that day brings such a sadness to my heart. True to her word, we've grown distant this past year, and the frequencies in which we speak lessen with each passing day. In her absence, I've only imagined what life's been like for her, and hoped that she was happy.

Funny thing is, she called me yesterday. We caught up a bit, and then she told me that she's seeing someone now. I can't say that I was surprised. I think deep down, I knew it was inevitable. Am I bitter that so many guys get the chance to enter her heart whereas I'm constantly left on the side of the road? Am I bitter that just because I'm not Catholic, every other positive attribute I possess is tossed aside? That she's willing to work through road blocks with others and yet not with me? And am I bitter that I might have imagined a love that was so wonderful that there was no way for it to possibly come into fruition, a product of my over idealized romantic visions?

No, not really. As always in the past when she told me about a new love blooming in her life, for some reason, I smile. I wish her the best. I sit here idly by and wish to god that she finds that happiness with him, that she finds that special thing that she's looking for. That something that I somehow lack.

Hombre and I were discussing about whether or not it's possible to truly love someone without ever having gone out with them. He's adamant that a person can't. And yet he couldn't explain what it was that I felt towards her. It was no mere infatuation. A feeling that carried itself in my heart for years, or to put it in his words, you thought about her night and day for years on end. What is it then if people don't see it as love? Perhaps she thought as he did, and that's why she wouldn't believe that my feelings were sincere.

Anyways, through all that I've been through now, it's kind of nice to find peace and absolution. A few years ago, I constantly kept looking back, wondering to myself what if? At least now, I can hold my head high, knowing that I wore my heart on my sleeve. I told her how I loved her, and there isn't much more I could have done. I can look back with no regrets. To move on and be content with my life. And I'm sure she'll do the same. There's only one more thing I need to do before this is all over. Hopefully this weekend I'll get the chance to do it.