I got to hear her voice today, turning an otherwise boringly long and tedious day into a delightful one. I've missed the sound of her laughter and her gentle teasing. What must it be like to hear that everyday? To be able to tell her good night and tuck her in? To just be there for her. With her. I can only imagine how wonderful that would be. Her voice is so soothing and relaxing... uplifting.

Her words echo in my head. One day, you'll just wake up and wonder what you were thinking... I know she believes this and I wish I could change that belief. Part of me thinks she's just trying to convince herself of this, unable to accept or even comprehend my feelings for her, thinking I'm either blindly devoted or illogically infatuated. Maybe both. I may not know much about love anymore, but I know my heart well enough to be able to tell when I'm in love and when I'm not. I know what she means to me and what she'll always mean to me. I'll never regret nor belittle my feelings towards her, carrying my love for her embedded deeply inside of me to the end of my days.

If you think about it, I guess that's just another sign that I love her truly. You learn to accept the good with the bad, loving the entire package regardless of yourself. I think back on my first love, how she cheated on me and completely broke my heart. And yet to this day, I never question what we shared. I never look back on her and ask myself what the heck was I thinking. And so that's how it is now with her. I don't know what my future holds for me, but I do know that no matter what happens, I'll always look back and consider myself blessed for having her in my life. Nothing could ever change that.

I was watching this show and they were talking about being cheated on by the one that's supposed to love you the most and how that invariably changes a person. I wonder how I've changed? Am I more wary? Am I scarred? Am I as trusting as I may have been if I was never the victim of infidelity? If indeed I am more cynical, then why have I thrown myself completely towards her, leaving myself no defenses, and letting her affect me in ways that no other can?

I can't help but wonder how she would feel if one day, my love for her disappeared as she hopes. Would she be relieved? Or would she take a step back and wonder if she missed anything? Would there ever be any regret? It's strange when I think about how strongly I feel towards someone I've never even gone out with, and yet I know her so well that loving her feels so natural to me.

I can't help but chuckle when I think of those words... I know her so well. Do I really? In fact, has she ever really let me in?

Stay warm people. Good night.

I can't sleep. I looked at the clock and the time is just ticking by, so I decided to get up and write. Someone told me a long time ago that if you can't sleep, do something to occupy your mind instead of trying to force yourself. And I've taken that lesson to heart ever since, hence my insomniac nature. It's my fault really. For some reason I was really tired this evening so I took an hour nap. Of course now my system is all screwed up so I'm sitting here in the dark listening to music and typing up this entry on my laptop, too cold to get out of bed.

You know what's ironic? In all the years that I've worked with computers, I've never once worked with my laptop in bed. I've always been a desk worker, and even when surfing the web and perusing endless sites wasting time, I'm always just sitting there, sometimes in full recline. But never have I just grabbed my laptop and lain in bed with it. I must say, this is quite nice. It's warm! Which is a necessity as the temperatures around here dip below freezing. My mom called me today asking how my fish were, since water left out overnight has been turning to blocks of ice. Luckily they're pretty hardy, and the circulation from the filters and the waterfall seem to be preventing any ice buildup.

How was everyone's Sunday? Mine was uneventful. I spent the day just watching the NFL playoffs and doing housework. I was working on the front yard sprinkler system for a while. What sucks is that you get all wet, and with the wind chill in the air, it bites at your skin! I hope I don't come down with anything though. I don't feel too good right now. I swear, I really need to take care of myself better. That includes eating too. I feel sluggish, and I'm actually craving some fresh food. Not necessarily a salad, but a nice break in regular bachelor food would be nice.

So the Europe tickets have been purchased. I'm all set and ready for what should be two weeks of enjoyment. The tickets had to be changed a bit, so now we're flying into Rome but leaving from Paris. The next step now is to plan out the itinerary, including the hotels and the railways, and what sites to hit on what day. I'm looking forward to it. I'll post up the complete schedule once we have it all worked out.

I have the day off tomorrow so hit me up if you're free and want to chat peoples.

I read a really interesting psychology study today involving regret and guilt. Basically there were four groups of subjects. The first group was made up of those who, within the last week, left work for personal selfish reasons. The second group consisted of those who passed on those occasions and remained responsible and stayed at work. They were both asked which felt guilt or regret. Needless to say, a vast majority of those who play hooky felt some form of guilt. Neither group feel much regret.

Now a third and fourth group mirrored these two groups, except the questions were in regards to an event five years prior. Only now, it turns out that the third group barely felt any guilt. And on the contrary, the number of people in the fourth group that felt regret was significantly higher than in the second group.

What this boils down to then, is that the emotion of guilt fades with time, whereas regret slowly builds. Like a burning flame, guilt is quick to ignite but also quick to extinguish. Regret is like a boiling pot of water, slowly ebbing and building up until it reaches a constant boil.

Isn't that interesting? I find my life the same. As the years pass, I don't feel much guilt at all. I never look back and think to myself that I should have spent more time at the office or saved a bit more money. Instead, I look back on a lot of missed opportunities and feel the pangs of regret building up. And not just in the obvious things either. Even the little things seem to follow this trend. Weird eh?

I remember a long time also reading something along the lines of as time passes, we choose to forget the bad and just focus on the good. Which is why nostalgia has such a powerful effect. I wonder if the two studies can be linked somehow. Like how as nostalgia increases, so does our sense of regret over lost chances.

I went to dinner with M tonight at BC. We had a talk about Europe and how if he doesn't go, then he'll regret it later on. I hope he realizes how wrong his girlfriend is to make him feel such guilt over wanting to hang out with his friends before it's too late.

At BC, I saw Trish and Da Nhat Yen again. Apparently Trish is a Wednesday night BC person too! Man, what is it with that place and always seeing people that I know? A lot of cuties hahaha. I sat at another booth and so continued my quest to spread my proclamation across the entire restaurant.

Did anyone see the BCS Championship game yesterday? Man, if USC were there, they would have killed Ohio State. Apparently there's a rumor that Pete Carroll might leave to head up the Miami Dolphins. Would I still root for the Trojans as much without him at the helm?

I returned to work yesterday after a brief two week hiatus. Since then, it's been an endless parade of questions and deadlines as I find myself immediately pulled in five different directions again. All were happy to see me back again, and they shared with me how their holidays were. V showed me her New York and Niagara Falls pictures and they looked simply awesome. I told myself that one of these weeks, I'm just going to take off and fly over there. Just disappear. No more living vicariously through others and always feeling envious. Visit the sights. The museums. The night life. I'm through with regrets in life.

Anyone who knows me well enough knows that I really liked Serendipity. One of my favorite movies in fact. I always pictured myself in the same position as Jonathon with regards to MCAT Girl, always looking for my long lost soul mate, and so I guess it had more meaning to me than just a regular film. Very much like The Notebook. Both seemed to echo my own life, and I loved the tag line. Can Once In A Lifetime Happen Twice? It gave me hope. And although it was false hope, it was still hope, and that was enough for me. Anyway, there's the real Serendipity over in NYC, and when I travel there, I have to make sure to visit it. It's kind of too bad I won't have anyone to share in that experience with me, someone with whom that movie had special significance as well.

So great news. My sister-in-law is pregnant! Looks like I'm about to be a direct uncle soon. I couldn't be happier for my stepbrother and his wife. I've always looked to his life as an ideal to strive towards, for he has everything I've ever wanted in life. And he as a person has showed me by example what really matters in life. This just makes it even more complete.

I remember during all those times that I had my doubts that I could ever win her over, whether I should even try and that I shouldn't even hold out hope, it was the fact that my stepbrother's wife is Catholic that reaffirmed to me that such a thing was possible. That I shouldn't let our differences be a deterrent. And that I'd never know unless I tried.

I thought a lot of her today. How I long to hold her hand. It aches in me. I imagine what it would be like to just intertwine her fingers through my very own, as if our very souls were connected. How warm she must feel. I guess I'm weird in that I desire something so simple. And yet I can't even imagine what it would be like. I don't think I'd ever want to let go.

I miss her. She should be returning soon from her vacation. I hope she had a great time. And I hope she got to use the gift I got her for Christmas. Unfortunately she'll be leaving again immediately afterwards, so I doubt I'll get the chance to hear from her much. Now that I think about it, with all her travel, I'm not sure she got to use the gift I got for her last year when she was stressed either. Oh well, nothing I can do about that. I tried.

Did anyone read that article on where black diamonds are theorized to come from? Unlike conventional clear diamonds, black diamonds defy mineral-making rules and are never found in the world’s mining fields. Turns out that they aren't even natural to Earth at all, instead being extraterrestrial in origin after being born from SuperNova explosions. Wow, think about how it must be to propose with that type of ring. Wouldn't the symbolism be so great, that your love was born from something so magnificent, that it journeyed across the Universe carried on stars? Too bad girls don't like how they look. Symbolism be damned in this day and age, eh? Look at Playa and his woman after all. No one cares about symbolism anymore.

I came across this rendition of Last Christmas by Jimmy Eat World that has me pretty hooked. If you get the chance, hear it.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. The very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special...

We celebrated my little cousin's birthday today at my uncle's house today. I took the opportunity to tell everyone to dress us up when we next meet for the Lunar New Year. It's my hope to get a nice professional looking portrait of a major portion of the family, especially since there's going to be a visit from several of my aunts and uncles from out of the country. Everyone dressed up in suits and Ao Dai's, should be pretty cool. Gotta make sure I have the proper skills by then though, cuz the deadline has been set now!

I heard this quote which is pretty true. In every relationship, there's a gardener and there's a flower. I've always been the gardener. Sometimes I think I always will be just because of my very nature. How nice it would be though to just be the flower for once. To be cared for so lovingly. Such a pleasant life.

I had another weird dream this morning. Can't remember who was in it though because I was abruptly woken up by a phone call, but I do know that it was weird and that it featured a girl I haven't dreamt in a while. Weird. What's up with my subconscious lately?

So today was my last free weekday before heading back to work. I got no where near as much as I wanted to do completed in that time though. It's true that there isn't enough time in life to do all that you want. Oh, my Superman DVD's finally arrived. Booya! Time to check out the Richard Donner Cut of Superman II. I'm so stoked!

Went to grab some Dim Sum with M, and then we hit Main Place Mall a bit before meeting up with Hombre and Lord Laomedon. Hombre had suggested this new Sushi place that his brothers took him to, Minato Sushi, in El Toro. It wasn't bad, but I think I still prefer our usual stomping ground better. Nice waitresses though, which is always a plus with us guys.

Afterwards, we returned to my house to plan out our Europe vacation and play some Wii and DS. Here's the preliminary itinerary. Fly into Rome and spend four days there to explore the city, the surroundings, and Vatican City. From there, head up to Florence for three days. Move over to Venice for a day before journeying to Paris. Spend four days there, which will take us into the Loire Valley to visit the various chateaus. Finally, end up in Barcelona for a couple of nights before heading home. Sounds like awesome fun, and I hope M decides to go with us. It's been a really long time since us guys have gone on a little trip like this. In fact, I can't even remember the last time he was away with us. Personally, I'd wish we were going for longer, for there's so much I want to see, but most of them don't have enough vacation days, plus Hombre has to be back in time for a certain person's wedding, which is a shame. So, any suggestions from people who've already been to these places?

As I was going through the guide book, there's just so much to see that there's no possible way to take it all in one trip. Heck, I'm kind of worried we're rushing as it is. Oh well, this is my first time after all. There's always a next time to hit up places like Greece, Switzerland, England, Germany, and such. And I think my family wants to plan a trip to Eastern Europe later this year too, so there's always that opportunity. And of course in the miraculous chance that I ever meet a girl, I'd love to travel with a significant other too. That's always been a dream of mine, to be off in some exotic location with that person that I so cherish, just me and her in our own magical fantasy.

Man it's been ridiculously windy today. Stay warm people!

I came across this quote while surfing the web tonight and I thought it was hilarious, especially since it was written by a girl: NEVER let a woman advise you on relationship stuff... most of the time you'll get screwed. If I had a nickel for every time one of my girl friends offered me advice on my love life. But then again, it's not like I have a love life, so there just might actually be something to that quote!

Anyone catch the latest remake of the Return of the Condor Heroes? I haven't yet, but I've Netflix'd the DVD's. All I can say is listen to the main theme song by Jane Zhang. I think it's called Tian Xia Wu Shang. Anyone wanna tell me what that translates to by the way? Anyway, it's totally depressing sounding and totally mesmerizing. Check it out. I especially love the intro; her melody is hypnotic in its siren-like quality.

Wow I spent a lot of money today. Not good. But then again, I'm tired of playing it safe and always planning ahead. It's about time I do something spontaneous for a change. You only live once right? Besides, I'll survive.

I took down my tree and the holiday decorations around the house, including all the outdoor lighting. As I stood there looking at it afterwards, the tree looks so sad and barren, stripped clean. Like my heart.

As I was having dinner with M tonight, we were talking about the Rose Bowl and it dawned on me why I like USC so much. Well, besides the one big obvious reason. It's that there's no football team in Southern California. And so instead of trying to find an NFL team I like, I root for the home team. Plus, whereas professional ball is tainted in economics, where idiotic stars get preferential treatment and the game has been reduced to a business, college ball is still fun and exciting, played by players who just enjoy the game. Go Trojans, fight on! I did make fun of him though because his girlfriend and I talk about the games more than he and I do.

Man, it's almost six in the morning and I'm still wide awake. I've been busy coding and I love it. I enjoy getting caught up in the work and losing all sense of time, especially when the results are so nice. If you're wondering what it is I'm working on, you'll see soon. Just keep your eye on the menu section above.