.: archives :.
 
 
Saturday, August 19, 2006
I had the weirdest dream last night. I dreamt that I was at your house and it was the first time that I was about to meet your family. And I don't mean just your immediate family, I mean your entire extended family!

There I was, in living room, greeting your aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, all as they walked through the door. There was so many people, an endless amount, and many of them were carrying babies in their arms. And with each greeting, I felt the intense scrutiny and examination from their eyes. There was no welcome, no happiness, only a sense of deep criticism. Needless to say, that didn't feel too good.

I remember at one point, I gave you a card with the address of this site on it. It was almost like a buisness card, but I still remember how elegant it looked and how much effort I put into making it. I sealed it up in the envelope and gave it to you, and told you not to open it, until I was gone and until you were feeling really low. I know that you did open it though, and you were also crying.

I wonder what all this means?
Thursday, August 17, 2006


I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight,
I've never seen you shine so bright.
You were amazing.

I've never seen so many people want to be there by your side.
And when you turned to me and smiled,
it took my breath away.

I have never had such a feeling,
such a feeling of complete and utter love,
as I do tonight,
lady in red...

~ The Lady In Red ~
Chris Deburgh

Have I told you how unbelievably gorgeous you look in red? I'll be honest in that I don't ever remember seeing you in red before, but when I did, it really did take my breath away. How is it that you never cease to be so stunningly beautiful to me? I see a lot pretty girls all the time, and not a single one of them even compares to you in the least. Your beauty radiates both outside and in.

It's so hard not being able to express to you how I truly feel, how you're not ready to hear it. And so I have to hold it in, not able to express it to anyone. I wish I could scream out to the world at the top of my lungs that I love you, that you've completely stolen my heart. I wish there were someone I could tell, to have them respond that they understand, and that everything will be ok.

To be honest, I wish I could just tell you that you make me happier than I ever thought possible.. To not have to hold back and just be able to tell you from the deepest recesses of my heart that I so love you.

*Sigh* What am I ever going to do?

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Dude, my car broke down on the way home from work. One minute I'm sitting there at the light, the next thing I know, smoke starts emanating from underneath the hood! So I quickly high tail it into the nearest parking lot and pop the hood.

At first I was worried is was some type of fire, but when I lifted the hood, I noticed radiator fluid everywhere, and it was that falling onto the heat block that caused the smoke. Immediately I knew there was a break somewhere. After letting it cool a bit, I traced the radiator line and noticed a huge gaping break in the hose. The good news was that I was parked in a shopping center, so I figured I'd just get some duct tape to temporarily patch it up so I could make it home. The bad news was that no store seemed to have any! I ended up getting some vinyl electrical tape for the patch job.

So I'm home safe and sound now. I need to let it cool and then I'll remove the hose and run to Kragen to get the replacement parts. Man, it's seriously time to get a new car, isn't it?
Monday, August 14, 2006

Love is not something that you deserve or don't deserve.
It's just what it is.

Great quote huh? One of my biggest pet peeves is when a girl asks a guy why he loves her. Love isn't something you can explain so easily and it shouldn't be something you have to justify. Like the quote says, it just is. Besides, it's so easy to claim one is in love when the truth is really in the actions, how you treat the other person and what you would do for them.

I think back on MCAT Girl and I don't really know when it was that I fell in love with her. Or how. Or even why. All I know is how I feel at the moment, and how I've felt for years now.

How I still long to hold her in my arms...

Sunday, August 13, 2006
I woke this morning with the strangest thoughts. I remember thinking to myself that it sucks being dependable. I hate that I've never done anything selfish, only for myself. Being reliable, being dependable, being practical, these are things that are so synonymous with me that sometimes it makes me sick. Sometimes I wish I could just disappear and do my own thing. I swear, it takes such a toll on me after a while.

I had dinner with my family tonight and my cousin was there to say goodbye to everyone. He's moving to Chicago to be with his girlfriend, who is starting medical school this fall. It's true that we haven't really been that close since leaving UCI as he's been away at school, but still I'm quite saddened that he's leaving, since it seems like my extended family is slowly disseminating. Time passes. Two of my closest cousins have moved away in the past few months, and the younger ones are growing up and will be off to college soon.

When we were younger, I lived with my cousin for the year that my dad was sick, and in that time we grew pretty close. I still joke with him on occasion about how he taught me everything I really needed to know in life. Only my closest friends know what that means haha. Of course we were kids and like all kids, we did our fair share of stupid things and getting into petty fights, but he was always my closest cousin. In fact, for the longest time, I had pictured him as my best man.

It's quite ironic that I used to live in Chicago alone while he was out here in California with the rest of the family, and now the tables have turned. Anyway, he leaves on Tuesday. I wish him all the best and hope to see him often as he comes to visit. Hopefully the four years will pass quickly and both he and his girlfriend will return to be with family soon.

Saturday, August 12, 2006
Has it really been two weeks since I've written down my thoughts? I guess when you left, a part of me left as well. I'd consider it a state of depression, but it couldn't be depression if I knew about, could it? Crazy people don't admit they're crazy, and depressed people don't admit to being depressed, isn't that how it works? So what am I?

Being away from you for so long though and not hearing from you has given me time to reflect on things. I thought a lot about you. Not a day went by where you weren't on my mind, and the simplest things only reminded me of you. If I saw a really pretty girl, I would see you. If I saw a happy couple, I would think of you. If I saw a family with their children, I would dream of you. When I was out having fun, you were on my mind, and even mundane things like sitting at work or waiting for some program to come on tv, my thoughts would gradually drift to you.

I was at my friend's new house, and all I could think about was you, and how wonderful it would be to share my future with you like that. A place of our own, a family of our own.

But reflecting on you just made me realize that we're in such different places. I need to keep telling myself and keep reinforcing into my head that which you have already told me, that we're just friends. If you had thought of me, if you had wanted to talk to me, you would have. But you didn't. I refuse to believe that anyone would be too busy to just reach out for a quick hello.

You see, it's all just a matter of choice, and I see what your choice was. What your choice still is.

Shouldn't it be time that I gave up on false hope? When is false hope worse off than no hope?

I am glad that you're home safe and sound though. I've missed you more than you can know.