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Wednesday, May 31, 2006 |
I miss you...
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Monday, May 29, 2006 |
I've been talking to one of my close friends lately about this girl he's recently met in class. For all intents and purposes, she's really good for him. She's caring, funny, intelligent, mature, and cute. However for some reason, he can't see anything more than just a friendship there, which is too bad really. I totally understand him though, for when it comes to matters of the heart, there isn't any logic now is there?
But in my opinion, the truth of the matter is that I think he's still in love with this other girl, a girl whom he's been friends with for years now. She only recently told him that she was engaged, and I'm sure it affected him deeply even though he adamantly denies it. And until he's moved on from her, no other girl no matter how wonderful can compare.
In many ways, he mirrors myself and that's why I can relate. I remember last year when I met this girl that was very sweet and caring. And even though I really wanted to like her, forcing myself to consider her, I could never move beyond seeing her as anything but a friend. And when I told her that my heart still belonged elsewhere, she took it the best she could. Was it fair to her though? Losing to a memory? After all, you were nothing but my past at that point, and yet I couldn't see myself being with anyone else. But I had to be fair to her and to myself. The worse thing that could happen is that I end up with someone else, when in the back of my mind, you're always there.
I was talking to my friend M today about how even when I was with my ex, I would occasionally think of you. I guess I should have realized earlier and taken that as a sign, huh?
Anyway, the point is that it'd be better for my friend if he would let her know his true feelings before it's too late. From what he tells me, she only seems content in her current situation, rather than happy. That's a sign that she loves the guy, but isn't in love with him. And before she makes a decision that will affect the rest of her life, she needs to know that there's someone else out there that really cares for her. She needs a genuine chance to be truly happy as I know he can make her. And after all, if he never tells her, I'm sure he'll look back one day and regret it.
How many chances do we get at true love in life? That's why when the opportunity arises, we need to take the risk and dive in whole heartedly. The worst that can happen is that the other person will say no, but then at least we'll know for sure and never look back wondering. And look at the potential reward, to spend the rest of your life with someone with whom you love.
I sit and think about us and realize there's just so much working against us that it's so discouraging. I hear stories about how your entire family is trying to set you up, about how all these great guys are after you, and it just makes me realize how the odds are stacked against me. How can your family ever love and accept me when I'm so different than what they envisioned for you? And never mind the whole religion issue, which I'm sure your sister would never approve of.
But then I also think of how no one else really matters except you, how at the end of the day, it's up to you to decide who's best for you. Who *you* fall in love with, not them. After all, you call me before you leave on trips, and you call me when you return. You laugh with me late at night and you leave me messages in the morning. True, these may not happen as frequently as I hope, but they do happen with increasing regularity, and I see them as blooming moments, opportunities for us to become closer to one another. And though we are only friends at this point, I sense a deeper connection that goes beyond just friendship, and for that I'm hopeful.
When all is said and done, I remember that nothing in life that's worthwhile is easy. It's because you're so special that I want to be with you, and so likewise, I should expect others to feel the same. Family issues, religious issues, excess personal baggage, they would all take a back seat to having you beside me for life. I know that I can love you like you deserve. And in time, I know that your family will see how much I love you. Then everything else just won't matter as much when they see how happy you are. And so I smile as I dream of the future possibilities between us. Cautiously optimistic.
We talked about honeymoons today, and what was your ideal vision of it. I didn't have an answer for what mine was, because frankly it doesn't matter where I'm at, only whom I'm with. But I've had some time to think about it since, and I really think I'd like to go some tropical island resort, maybe in the Caribbean or Hawaii, where we could just spend quality time together. Romantic walks on the beach, candle light dinners, quiet walks on the beach where we'd walk hand in hand and I could wrap you in my arms. How I would look into your eyes and thank the powers above for bringing an angel into my life. That would be my ideal way to usher in my life with you, a place where I can focus on just you and me together, and not worry about hustling around and hitting all the sights. Very much like your ideal vision too.
Call me corny, but I see that picture above, and all I can think about and dream about is us. How I wish that were you and me, so that I can tell you that I love you. To have you lovingly gaze back at me as the sound of ocean waves roll in the background. To be able to frame that moment for all eternity.
Of course I
also dream of traveling the world with you throughout the years. There's so much I want to share and see. The Great Wall. The Taj Mahal. Stonehenge. The Pyramids. The Eiffel Tower. The Vatican. Venice. London. Rome. Greece. Japan. Africa. Most importantly, I want to see it all with you by my side. A lifetime of memories. Ah, dreams...
Don't go for looks; they can deceive.
Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.
Go for someone who makes you smile.
Because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.
You make my heart smile like no other. I hope you and everyone had a wonderful Memorial Day!
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Thursday, May 25, 2006 |
I came across this quote while browsing online. Is it true?
I have an ephiphany. There are two types of guys - the one that can make you smile and the one that can make you cry. We always wonder why the girl usually ends up choosing the one that makes her cry. But really, the answer is simple. Crying is an emotion we feel from someone we care deeply about; therefore, the one that makes her smile may not be able to make her cry; however, the one that makes her cry can always make her smile. That's why.
When I think back, there are things that I've done that brought my ex to tears. Both tears of sorrow and tears of joy. And yet when it came to the reverse, the only time I cried was when she cheated on me. Should I have taken that as a sign then?
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Wednesday, May 24, 2006 |
I absolutely adore the sound of your laughter. It's so amazingly appealing. In fact, to me there's no sweeter sound than that of you giggling. Call me a sentimental idiot, but I'd be happy if that's all I'd ever heard again. And if everything I said would make you smile, make you laugh, I'd speak forever.
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Tuesday, May 23, 2006 |
I've felt kind of down all day, and I don't really know why. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel bit uneasy. I think it's because our situation seems so precarious doesn't it? How long can we continue down this path without something changing? And when it does, will it be like I wish, where I can finally reach out to you and hold you in my arms? To hear your voice throughout the day? Or will the pressures and burdens around you finally come collapsing down, taking with them all my hopes and dreams?
Can you feel it? There's a strange aura that lingers over our conversations. We haven't hit that comfortable silence just yet. We can talk about the small things in our lives, but it seems that both of us are avoiding the more important topics. I want so much to talk to you about the future, a future with you, planning and dreaming, but I know I shouldn't. Not yet. But when will that be though? I know... patience. I'm not going to be the guy that adds yet more stress to your life. But I do wish I were that guy that could share in your burdens and take a load of your shoulders.
You have so much inner strength. You're true to yourself and you don't let others influence you, forcing you down paths that might not lead to happiness. But I still worry for you. I don't want you to have to deal with such things on your own, not when there's someone who cares for you so much around.
I know there must be something there. We wouldn't be where we are now if there wasn't, right? So why the hesitation? Don't you believe that together, there isn't anything that we couldn't handle? I just pray that sooner or later, you'll finally take a chance on us.
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Sunday, May 21, 2006 |
Welcome home my sweetheart. I missed you. I hope I get to hear from you soon. For some reason or another, I didn't want to write while you were gone, even though a lot happened in my life. Strange isn't it?
Anyway, I've had those same dreams again. Last week, again, I dreamt that I was with someone else. She was extremely beautiful, loving, caring, and I could tell that she longed for me deeply. She wanted me to hold her as she was crying, and I did. She looked piercingly into my eyes, her tears rushing out, and told me to promise her that I would always love her and that I'd never leave her. And I remembered feeling how heart broken I was, because no mater how much she wanted me to say it, I couldn't. All I could think about was you, and how it'd all be a lie since the one I never wanted to leave was you. But where were you?
And for the third time in recent memory, I dreamt the same scenario. Earlier this week, I dreamt that I was walking with someone. Only this time, we weren't alone. My best friend was there as was one of my cousins. Once again, there was an extremely beautiful and caring girl and she was crying. She ran to my friend and he held her up as she was breaking down. Then she did the same with my cousin. All the time, I was standing there watching her, watching them, guilt ridden for the grief I caused her. And then she asked him, "Does he love me? Am I the one he truly loves?" And then both my cousin and my friend looked at me, while the girl had her back towards me, and they wanted to know how to answer. At first I nodded, but then I shook my head. All I could think about in that instant was you, and how even though it pained me incredibly to causing such grief to another so caring, I had to do it because it was the truth.
What's happening to me? What do all these dreams signify?
I finally organized all my mp3's. It's amazing how many songs I haven't heard even though I own them. As I was sitting there creating all my playlists, I couldn't help but listen to the lyrics of so many loving ballads as I thought of you, my angel. I know, I'm a such a corny sappy fool huh. =)
Good night and sweet dreams you.
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I may not say it half as much as I should
When I say I love you darling that means for good...
So open up your heart and let me in.
And I will love you 'til forever,
Until death do us part we'll be together.
So take my hand and hold on tight,
And we'll get there...
This I swear
This I Swear
~ Nick Lachey ~
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Wednesday, May 10, 2006 |
It's been a long time since I've embarked on a fun little project. People who know me know that I take great pride on creativity and so I'm always looking for something to expand my growth. In the past I've created everything from a small koi pond in the back yard to a full functioning computer mp3 and gps system in my car. I've often valued resourcefulness, creativity, and uniqueness over intelligence. It's not that I don't value a person's intellect, but I've always believed that anyone can just try hard enough and they can learn anything. If they put the effort in, they can memorize anything. But it takes real skill to be able to apply it, to transform that knowledge into wisdom, to be able to express all that you've learned in creative outlets.
Being a technology nut, I've recently decided to create a digital frame that would display a slide show of all my memories on my desk. I figured pictures are worthless unless they're seen, and what digital frames that I've seen on the market have been mediocre at best. So I decided to create my own with all the features that I want. At this point, it's nothing more than a small lcd screen that I wrote a custom program for, but I plan on mounting it behind a frame one day so that at a glance no one will notice that it's not a picture frame. Being controlled from my main computer, it has access to an almost endless supply of photos.
Of course creating the interface and the program was pretty easy. The long part so far has been gathering pictures. I've gone through and organized my digital camera pictures, and I'm currently scanning all my old albums. It's amazing to see some of these pictures as I recollect my childhood, some from even before. I see pictures of my cousins who are older than me as little children. I even came across old albums that I've never seen before, for example the wedding pictures of my mom and dad. It's weird to see them so young. My dad was only 26 and my mom 25, both younger than I am now. It's amazing to see the happiness and nervousness in their eyes as they realize they're about to embark on a lifetime together. But I was also saddened when I saw those pictures because here they were, so happy and vibrant, and little did they know that he would only be around for another 12 years. And yet I have no doubt that had they known ahead of time that that would be all the time allotted to them, they would still have married each other and in that time together love each other and be everything to one another. I can only pray that my life and my love turns out that passionate. It made me a little sad, seeing my dad reaching all his goals at such a young age, thinking that maybe I'm behind in life. For I long for a family of my own. But I know that it doesn't mean anything unless all of it is with the one that I truly love, and that reassures me, for I know I've made the right decision. I haven't settled for anyone less than she who my heart truly desires, and because of that, my dreams can still come true one day.
I see such pictures and it obviously leads me to thinking of you. I feel like we're moving closer with each passing day and for that, I'm deeply grateful. In fact, you've given me a new outlook in life, a feeling of excitement as I wake up each morning knowing that you're in it. Life is good. Nothing seems impossible and I cherish hearing your voice and the smile it brings me. I love being the one you can come to, a lending ear and a shoulder to cry on, a confidant to confide in. On various nights, I love being able to take your mind off things as we talk about the little nothings in life. At the risk of jinxing things, I know that it takes effort on your part to keep your promises and call me when you do, to message me when you can to say hi, and that it must mean that we're moving in the right direction. I like trying to pamper you, trying to make you feel special, letting you know that you're on my mind. I like joking with you and laughing about our individual eccentricities. It makes me laugh when I say "why are you so khó?" and you giggle and reply to me "bây giờ mới biết huh?"
Though we're far apart right now, know that you're always on my mind and in my heart. Have a safe and wonderful trip. If there's anything you need or if you feel like talking, I hope you call me and let me know, regardless of the time. Know that the sound of your voice as the first thing I hear when I awake is the sweetest sound imaginable.
Sleep well, sweet dreams,
and take care.
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Sunday, May 7, 2006 |
It was a nice relaxing weekend for me. My friend Mai, whom I've known since high school, is visiting from Japan and I had a chance to hang out with her on Friday night. In addition to catching up on old times, I got to see her newborn son Hiro.
Can you believe that kid is only 5 months old? It's actually kind of funny, because I still see Mai as this little Japanese girl that I met my sophomore year and that I have no problem hugging and tossing around. She's so petite that picturing her married and pregnant, and now a mom to a bustling baby boy just astounds me. I'm reminded that times are changing, and that I'm no longer just a young kid any more. As I sat there with little Hiro on my lap, his little arms gently swaying in the cusps of my hands, I suddenly felt the longing for a family of my own. In that instant, I thought of you and how I longed that we were together.
So Mai joined me, Playa, and Hombre to dinner and the movies. Apparently ribs are super expensive in Japan and she had a craving for some, so we headed over to Newport Rib Company where she proceeded to amaze me by eating off her portion. Here's a girl who probably weighs 80 pounds tops managing to heartedly enjoy her rack of ribs! I thought that pretty kewl to say the least. We then went to watch MI3. As expected, the movie was nonstop action, not too much plot, and not overly memorable. But there was one scene that I remember though, and ironically, it had nothing to do with the action. Instead, it was during a wedding ceremony, when the preacher was dictating about the sanctity of marriage. He stated, and I quote, "marriage is not to be taken lightly, and the vows you are about to take will only be dissolved upon death." For some reason that hit me, not because I don't take marriage seriously, because I've always dreamt of a love so strong it would survive even past death itself. That even afterwards, I'd would always be there looking over the one that I love, her guardian angel, shielding her from danger and always ensuring her happiness. Guess I'm a cheesy romantic huh?
The rest of the weekend was just eating and family as usual. I also helped Jenn with the rest of her Visual Basic assignments, and the only thing I wanted in return was a vente javachip frappuccino with four pumps of peppermint, no whip to remind me of you. She laughed at me each time I smiled and giggled as I sipped on it, reminiscing of you.
I had a dream last night. I was with someone, some girl that I have no idea who she was. I remember walking with her, at one point holding her in my arms as the cold winds blew around us. I whispered into her ear that I loved her, but even as I said it, I knew that I didn't, that I only said it because that's what she wanted me to say. I didn't want to be there. I remember thinking that I felt shallow and empty as I uttered those hollow words, that it was you that I wanted to be with, and it was you who really I love. Who I've always loved and always will. But you were gone, no where, lost to me forever. And then I woke up. As I looked at the clock, it was 7 in the morning, bright and early. What could that mean?
I missed you this weekend. I think back on all those years gone by when I would only hear of you from time to time, and I wonder how I was able to endure it all. I guess I just pushed you deeper and deeper into the recesses of my heart and lived with the knowledge that you were happy. I sit here now in the late hours of the night and I long for your voice or a simple message from you. I wish you weren't so busy so that we could spend some time together, to give us a chance to get to know each other more, and to give you a chance to see me as more than just a friend.
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Thursday, May 4, 2006 |
Jenn called me up needing some help with Visual Basic .NET yesterday and so I spent the night helping her with her project. It brought back a lot of memories from my TA'ing days, the long coding hours, and the sheer fun of being in front of the computer trying to solve a fun problem with friends. It also reminded me how bad a professor Carrisimo was and apparently still is. He's still using the same examples and routines when the software language has clearly advanced leaps and bounds. I'm serious when I say that I can teach much better than he can and in a much shorter amount of time too. It's not arrogance, it's skill. And the students would learn a hell of a lot more too.
I gave my coworker a crash course in the language and in a matter of hours, he's learned more than Carrisimo could teach in weeks. I wonder if I should go into teaching? The pay is nice and I seem to like the academic lifestyle, but could I really put up with all the slacker students out there? I remember some that really pushed my patience when I was a TA. Eh, who knows. I sometimes think that I'm destined for something, and that it's just that I have yet to find what it is that I'm meant to do in life.
As I was there at Starbucks, I ordered your drink, javachip frappuccino with 4 pumps of peppermint, no whip. Isn't it's funny that I can remember all the little things when it comes to you? The little details and nuances that remind me of you. Well, not funny, since I think about you a lot, but it's ok, because every time I do, a smile comes to my face. Jenn laughed at me, saying "oooo, you're in love hahaha." So true.
I know I'm a romantic. You tell me so and it's blatantly obvious in the books I read, the movies I watch, the ideals I hold onto. How different would it be if I were some noble and gallant knight in medieval times that could come and rescue his damsel in distress and carry her off into the sunset to live happily ever after? I wouldn't feel so displaced or misunderstood at times. Then again, I'd probably be killed off since I lack such a barbaric nature hahah. But seriously, I know I'm a romantic because I know that I need nothing more in life than to be with you, to be the man that you love, to be the richest and happiest man on earth.
I only wanna be the man
to give you everything I can
every day and every night
love you for all my life.
I don't wanna change the world
as long as you're my girl
it's more than enough,
just to be the man you love.
The Man You Love
~
Il Divo ~
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Speaking of books, I asked you about The Time Traveler's Wife, a wonderful book that I whole heartedly recommend as one of my favorite novels, and that I got you for Christmas last year. Specifically, would you rather experience a very intense, deep, and loving relationship that you knew would only last for a short period of time, or a life long relationship that just isn't very intense or deep? I'm of the firm belief that it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all, and you told me that you feel the same. I hope I get the chance one day to provide you with that passionate love that we both long for.
It's that belief that's given me the strength to hold onto you all these years and it's that reason that I hold on to hope still. My love for you runs deeper than you'll ever know, and I cherish every moment we share. And even if nothing ever comes of us, I'll still look back with no regrets because in this short instance in time, I'll know that I experienced true love. A love that isn't possessive, domineering, or jealous, but instead a genuine love for you and everything that you are and that you represent. In so many ways, my soul mate...
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Monday, May 1, 2006 |
One of the people I knew a long time ago got married over the weekend and I managed to see some pictures of her wedding online. Doesn't she look pretty? Congratulations Thao, I wish you and Nate nothing but the best, and may your happiness be ever eternal. You deserve to be happy =)
I can't help but be sad and wonder when, if ever, it will be my turn. What must it be like to be standing there in front of someone, looking into her eyes so passionately, knowing that this is the person you want to spend the rest of your life with? How does it feel to know that at that exact same moment, she's thinking the same thing, that you're the sunshine in her life, and that she wants you as her companion for all time? I can't ever remember feeling that special and that's just sad isn't it?
I was conversing with one of my closest friends today, and it turns out that this girl that he's been in love with since college has gotten engaged. He denies that it bothers him, and that he's totally ok, but I can hear it in his voice. And I remember how it was when you told me that you were getting married. On the outside, I was smiling and happy for you, and to be honest, I really was. I've always wanted your happiness more than all else in this world, and I could see at the moment that you really were, so I smiled and shared in your joy. But inside, I was crushed. My heart torn in two. I felt like all my dreams were coming to an end. And I remember thinking to myself, "maybe in the next lifetime..."
And so I can totally relate to his pain right now.
I told him that he needs to seriously consider telling her how he feels, otherwise he'll live his life always looking back with feelings of regret and remorse.
I think about you more often than not. For so long now, I've dreamt about you, and about us. I've often wondered what it'd be like if we were to get married. I know, I shouldn't think of such things, and if you ever found out, I'm sure that would just complicate our situation even more. But to deny such thoughts is to deny what's in my heart. Besides, I can't imagine anything more wonderful. So until the time comes when I can share that dream with you, I'll just revel in it here safely in the anonymity of cyberspace.
*Sigh* I miss you. I wish I could have heard your voice these past couple of days, but I didn't want to call, since you asked for some space and time. Hope all is well with you and that you're feeling better. I wonder if you've had a chance to use what I gave you to relax and take your mind off of things yet? I hope so, that's why I got it. To make you feel like the special person you are. Good night and sweet dreams.
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