I miss you! I know I just got off the phone with you, but I miss you already. And since I have no outlet for my emotions, I'll just have to lay it bare here. I love you. I miss you. And I feel so incomplete without you right now.

Has is come to this again? I don't know, I guess I used to worry so much each time you said you wanted to think things over. But now I can see that it's all out of my hands. I've done everything I can to show you how much you mean to me and how much I want to be with you. I've poured out my soul and I'm pretty sure you know that, so there's nothing left except for you to decide if what you're doing is the right thing or not. I can only sit and hope as I've always done that the future will be alright, that you'll be a part of it, but that's all I can do. If you grab onto something too tight, you risk crushing it, and if you don't hold something strong enough, you risk it flying away. I hope I'm right in between where I want to be.

I'm saddened at the knowledge that I won't hear from you. And I'm more saddened of the thought that I might lose you. I know I get hurt by how things are between us now and then, but to me, that just shows that I'm valuing it all more. I care about how you see me. And though I've loved you for quite some time, I'm afraid I'm falling in love with you too now, and that's why things can hurt me so. Otherwise I wouldn't care, right?

I guess I should just focus on holding onto my dreams. Focus on the fine memories that we've shared so far, and just hope that there will be many more between us. Good night and sweet dreams. Sleep well.

They say a watched pot never boils. And so a watched cell phone never rings. It never fails, for after seeing you, I sit here at night longing for you more than had I not seen you at all. It's a price I gladly pay.

How can someone be so innocently beautiful and yet stunningly sexy at the same time? I see you walking towards me with your radiant smile and sparkling eyes, hair that drifts carefree in front of your face. A sweet glow that shines brighter than the sun itself. And yet at the same time, I see the tank top you're wearing that accentuates your skin, the smooth glitter that lines your arms, the allure with which you walk that shows the more playful side of your nature, tugging at my deepest passions. As we're sitting there watching the movie and you lean forward, I can't help but look longingly at you, mesmerized that I'm sitting here with a vision of beauty, a waking dream that lightens my soul. And when we sit and talk over dessert, can you see the love in my eyes? Can you see the way in which I long to hold your hand? To reach over and hold you in arms, to smell the sweet perfume in your hair, feeling your gentle heartbeat next to mine?

We talk about your dreams in life, and I wonder aloud at where you'll be in five years. Which incredibly lucky guy will be there by your side? Will that be me? When will my turn come, when I can finally give you flowers and tell you that I love you as we walk hand in hand? To be able to call you up and hear your sweet laughter any time I want? When will you come to me and tell me that I'm so much more than just your friend? Am I hoping for the improbable?

What a beautiful day. The gentle breeze, the warm sun on my skin, the sweet dessert on my lips. Of course all that means nothing without the wonderful company by my side.

Before you, I was unaware of the loneliness, living in ignorant bliss, content but alone. But now that you've given me a taste of what it means to be truly happy, how can I ever go back?

I had such a wonderful weekend. It wasn't because I did anything in particular, but because I got to talk to you for a longer period of time than I'm usually able to, especially with your travels. To others looking in, it may not mean much, but just being able to speak to you totally brings a smile to my face. I love hearing your voice first thing in the morning, to be awoken to such sweet laughter that it leaves me looking forward to the rest of my day. And I love being able to say good night to you at night as the world is totally quiet and it's just you and me in our quiet little world. In many ways, I still can't believe how long we were able to talk about so many things, some important, some things about nothing in particular. Hours pass by as minutes and when we finally hang up, I feel like I've just experienced a dream.

So because of how your schedule is, I've been trying to rearrange my work so that we could spend some time together. Something absolutely amazing that I can look forward to in the middle of my week. I know, I'm making you feel special, but don't you know that you totally are? You are the star that lights up my life and inspires me, so of course I'd do whatever it takes to see you. Frankly, it's upsetting that you've never been treated in such a way before. If we were together, I know I'd always be trying to figure out how to treat you like the princess you are.

Weekends pass by so fast nowadays. Friday was the usual dinner with the boys. Playa made his typical comments about how little money he makes, which completely irritates me. How can someone who makes so much constantly complain? Talk about spoiled and unrealistic. If you have a house, don't be complaining about how small it is, especially to those of us who can't afford one. And I'm so sick of his comments about hooking up with meaningless girls, because at the end of the day, there's only one person I want to be with, and that's you. And when he says such things, it just reminds me that I'm not with you, and it gets me sad.

I spent Saturday helping my cousin Sir Spend A Lot with his laptop. It's ridiculous how much he was infected with Spyware and Adware and Viruses. It's even more ridiculous how everyone seems to think of me as a tech, being able to solve all these little computer problems as if it were second nature. Poor guy drove all the way up from San Diego, so I tried to help out the best that I could. While I was working, we talked a bit, which was pretty cool considering we haven't done that in a while. We talked a bit about our past, a little bit about our futures. He asked me where I was now and asked about you, and I was frankly pretty stunned that he remembered you at all since it's been years since I told him about you. Of course I just smiled and ignored the question since I don't really know myself.

I'd like to say that we're in a good place, but I honestly can't tell. On one hand, there's your actions, like how you called me before leaving to say goodbye, and calling again on the day you return from your long trip to let me know you're home. And how despite losing your voice, you still make the effort to tell me about your experience. That has to mean something right? But on the other hand, there's your words that speak of not being with anyone, about being alone for years and being so far off from everything. Why would you say such things? Do you not know how I feel about you and how much I want to be there to provide all of that for you? To share my life with you?

You tell me about how many guys were hitting on you, and I try to smile and laugh, knowing that they mean nothing to you. But a big part of me worries so much about that ever elusive guy that might come along and sweep you off your feet. Will we ever get to where I want us to be before that point? I think about how love is such a strong emotion, and by itself, it's a wonderful feeling. It's when you start diving into the darker aspects of love, like attachment, resentment, and jealousy, that you expose your heart to such painful experiences. For all those years, I've loved you without letting those feelings get in the way, thinking that you were out of my life. And yet now that I'm nearing a point where we might have something, I find myself opening my being up to these paranoid scenarios and I don't like it. Somehow, I must accept that whatever happens will happen and stop worrying and overanalyzing everything, but it's so hard when I want you so much and I feel on the cusp of my life.

I spent yesterday trying to clean my room. I threw out so much stuff, little pieces of junk that I shouldn't have spent money on and saved up instead. In the process, I found a bunch of old pictures, dating back to high school and even some when I was a younger child. I sat there reminiscing, looking at old photos of friends from years past, younger versions of the people I know now. I see a younger self. And I see people who are no longer with me. Lost loved ones. Friends gone. Ex girlfriends. I think of my ex's once in a while, and seeing those pictures reaffirmed that I've moved on from hating them. I realized that I no longer harbor any ill will towards them and honestly wish them a happy life. For so long, my resentment ate me up inside, but sitting there flipping through the pictures, all I could do was smile and think about how life is nothing more than a summation of a lot of fine memories. With time, you learn to forget the bad and focus on the good.

A part of me is curious as to how you would react knowing I still have pictures of my ex. How do I feel knowing that you probably have pictures of yours? Sometimes I sit and wonder where he is in your heart, considering that you guys were so close to it all. Will I ever be able to get through to you in the same way? Will I ever get to the point where I break down your defenses, where you no longer see me as just a friend, and where you may love me so deeply as I hope?

I was driving home from the gym today, listening to the radio. On KOST, they were doing their nightly dedications, and this lady wrote in to wish her husband a very happy 35th anniversary. She wrote about how they shared such wonderful years together, how he was such a wonderful husband, providing years of love, security, and happiness for her. Together, they raised 4 children, and now grandchildren. She reflected on how she would watch him playing with his kids when they were younger, coaching them when they grew up, giving them talks when needed, and working so hard over the years to ensure a happy life for all of them. She considered herself to be the luckiest woman alive, to have a husband in which no woman could ask for more.

I smiled when I heard such passionate words. I've never been the recipient of such feelings. Like I've said before, I've always been the passionate one in the relationship, considering myself to be lucky, and so I can't even fathom what it must feel like to be loved in such a way. I long for it actually.

I think of you as usual. And I think of us. Will we ever get there? Will I ever get that feeling in return? No one knows what the future holds, and all I can do is pour myself out to you and hope that the feelings are eventually reciprocated. How lucky would I be to have you love me so? I smile when I think of such a future. If my life is nothing more than growing old with you and raising a warm loving family, then I'll have lived my dreams and couldn't be any happier. That's the true meaning of success.

Today was my dad's Dam Gio. I woke up in the morning and paid my respects to him like I usually do. It's daunting to think about how long I've lived without him in my life. Has he been watching over me ever since? And is he proud of the man that I've become?

So I took my parents and sister to watch Quidam today. It was weird being there again, having been there so recently with you. My family enjoyed it and I was glad to be able to bring them to such things. But I couldn't help feel a bit empty, wishing you were there with me, that I could relive that moment with you. I sit and think sometimes how ready I am to start a family of my own, a family with you. When will that time be?

I was reading some of my old entries again. The last paragraph of this entry is particularly erie don't you think? Almost premonitory if you will. After all, it was 3 years ago... And this entire entry reminds me of how much more eloquently I was able to express myself in my younger days. Where have the years gone?

The nights have become exceptionally hard. I sit and listen to songs that remind me of you, and I long for you emotionally, wondering where you are and what you're doing. It was wonderful hearing your voice first thing in the morning, to say our goodbyes and well wishes. One week. It's funny to think that in such a short time, my defenses have been reduced to the point that one week seems like an unbearably long time to not hear from you. What's become of me? Have I become so love struck that I can no longer think rationally? But then again, that's what falling in love is all about, isn't it? To feel that bolt of lighting in your heart telling you, "yes, she's the one." It's been so long since I felt this way about anyone, if ever, and it's unnerving and exhilarating at the same time.

I think back to some of our conversation the other night. Why do I feel about you the way that I do? I'll leave that for another night. But I'm drawn to the moment when you were singing to the words of Daniel Bedingfield and Chris DeBurgh, amazed that a person out there, a guy, could write such heart felt words. You couldn't imagine being the recipient of such feelings.

I think it's unfair that delicate treasure like yourself hasn't felt what it is to be truly loved. I wonder if you ever sit and think and realize how I feel? I wish I could tell this to you in person, but at this point in time, I can't, so I'll have to write it here instead.

What can I say about my love for you? It transcends description. It's both internal and external. I love you for your radiant outer beauty and I love even more for the beauty that shines inside. I love your words, and I love your actions. I love you because you've become a part of me, without even realizing it. I'm complete when I'm with you and empty without you. You inspire me and make me become a better man. I love you as a whole, for your positives, for your negatives, and for everything in between. There's a special kind of happiness that only love can bring and I've found that happiness with you. You are my everything.

Sweet dreams.