.: archives :.
 
 
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Yesterday was so wonderfully amazing. I think back over the years, and this is the first time since we first met back in MCAT class when we were out together so late at night, just enjoying each other's company.

So obviously I couldn't focus much today, because most of my time was spent thinking about you and how I seem so close and yet so far at the same time.

I left work a bit early to go pick up my sister from UCLA for the weekend. On the way home, I couldn't help but think of my dad. Both he and your dad went to the same medical school in Vietnam, and were probably classmates. I wonder if they knew each other. And when we both lived in Chicago, did they know each other then? Might our families already be familiar with each other without us knowing? How trippy would it be if we had actually met as babies?

I also think about how if my dad didn't pass away, where would I be now? Like you, would I be living and enjoying the finer things in life that he would have been able to provide? It's a silly thought really. Those things don't matter to me, and they don't matter to you. And I like to think that even if my life were different, we'd still be destined to meet.

So you called me while I was on my way home. You don't like it when people talk on the phone with others around as it's rude and inconsiderate to them, so you tell me to call you back when I get home. It's funny, my ex used to talk all the time, even when it was just the two of us. How could I have been so blind? Hindsight is indeed everything. Anyway, I tried calling you when I got home, but you didn't answer. You might have been too busy or you were already asleep. And so I sit here listening to my "depressing" songs, missing you like always.

I guess that's the worse thing right now. After such a wonderful yesterday, I sit here longing for it all again, longing for you deeply. Emotions. They go from such amazing highs to such excruciating lows. Sleep well and sweet dreams my precious. I'll talk to you some other night.


Wednesday, March 29, 2006

I woke up this morning so nervous and so excited at the same time, knowing that this was the day I've waited so long for. After carefully preparing my outfit and spending god knows how long getting ready, I finally leave for work. I get out into the car and realize that after starting it, the car won't move! I was cursing to myself. Not today. Not now. It seemed as if the parking brake wouldn't release, even though the brake light was off. And so I revved the engine. Forward. Reverse. Forward. Nothing. I revved harder, starting to panic, thinking about what I should do, when suddenly a large snap came from beneath the car, and then it moved forward. So at least the car was moving now I thought, but definitely not a good sign. Was it safe to drive? I said screw it, nothing's going to stop me. So the next thing I know, as I'm driving, the FM modulator for the Ipod made this high pitched hissing noise that I couldn't seem to get rid off. I guess whatever happened with the parking brake must have brought a grounding issue too. What bad luck huh?!

I get to work, and of course I can't concentrate. All I seem to think about is you, and how nervous I was. As I sat there, I decided that I should get you a little something, so I left work a little early, an hour before I was supposed to meet you. Since no one seems to know what happened to the copy of Just Like Heaven that I got you for your birthday, I decided that I'd get that for you again. But what else? I stopped off at the mall and quickly bought a small box of Godiva Truffles, knowing how much you enjoy chocolate. I put the two items in a nice little gift bag and, breathing a quick sigh, prayed that everything would go smoothly from here on out.

So now that I was all ready and prepared, I looked at my watch. It was 4, perfect. I proceeded to Barnes & Nobles where we had agreed to meet at 4:30 and at first I tried walk around in the bookstore to try and take my mind of things, but I found myself unable to relax. So I sat on a bench outside instead listening to the cool breeze and enjoying the sun on my face.

And then I saw you, my beautiful angel pulling up. As you stepped out of your car, you were a vision of grace. It's as if the world moved in slow motion and all I could see and focus on was you. You're wearing a tan jacket and shirt with brown pants with golden brown shoes and a pretty matching necklace that is double wrapped around your neck. The epitome of class as always. As you came up to me, you looked lovely as ever, your radiant smile taking my breath away. And your perfume smelled wonderful. I can still recall the scent right now. You were so excited and I was happy to be there with you again after so long.

We got in my car and started driving to our dinner reservations. Spaghettini. I was so nervous to have you actually there that I nearly got into an accident! So sad! Focus. I needed to focus and relax. Anyway, after the initial jitters wore off, I relaxed a bit more and was finally able to enjoy my lovely conversation with you.

Traffic was bad, but not dreadfully so, and we arrived at the restaurant at 5:15, a clear half an hour ahead of my reservations. But they didn't mind and sat us anyway (in the booth underneath that light in the lower right picture). The setting was so cozy and romantic, and I was thankful that things were finally starting to go right.

As the waiter came to take our order, I notice how you always giggle when you order your Diet Coke, and how your eyes light up when the bread comes out. Jumbo Shrimp Scampi Spaghettini for you, Lobster Ravioli for me. Over the course of the evening, we talk a lot. About silly things like what celebrity we'd both want to date. You seem so surprised when I correctly guess Chow Yun Fat and George Clooney, but then again, why should you be? I've known you for so long now that I know you pretty well. I remember so much of what you told me through the years. And you seem a bit surprised when I say Kristin Kreuk and Jessica Alba instead of Angelina Jolie. And then we also talk of serious stuff, like if I feel like I'm behind in life. How we both want a family and place our own. *Sigh* I wish I could have told you how I felt at that moment, that I want so much to share my future with you.

Dinner was delicious, very creamy and satisfying. I insisted you try the Chocolate Souffle since it came highly recommended and I know your weakness for chocolates. We end up sharing it and I must say that it was absolutely savory. You comment on how you shouldn't be eating all this luscious food, but to me, you have absolutely nothing to worry about. I don't know how you could look any better! The bill comes and I have to fight you for the check; the price is nothing compared to being able to spend the time with you. Getting there early was actually good, as it allowed us time for a more leisurely meal and longer conversation. As we leave the restaurant, the night has fallen and we make ready to go towards the Queen Mary to watch Cirque Du Soleil's Quidam.

We arrive at the Grand Chapiteau at 7:15 and walk around looking at souvenirs and gifts until they let us in. The show begins at 8 and as the lights and music start playing around us, and the performers start executing their amazing routines, I see you sitting there gazing with such wonder, truly enjoying yourself, and for that I'm grateful. One by one, the acts come out, and we laugh and we comment about how some of the images were creepy and eerie. You grab onto my arm once in a while when your excitement and concern takes over for a performer executing some death defying feat, and in those instances, I feel closer to you than I've ever been. I only wish that could have been holding your hand as well.

At intermission, as the crowds dispersed, we sat and talked a bit more. More serious stuff this time. You asked me if I was really ok with just being your friend. I tell you of course I want more, but if that's all you're able to give me, than I'd still be grateful. I think to myself that I want you in my life, and I want to see you happy, and if that's all I can ever be, then so be it. You ask me why I don't look for someone better, someone younger, someone with less potential future problems with family and religion. I don't have an answer for you. I guess none of that matters to me. All I know is that it's you I want, and no other. I'm willing to face any future so long as you're by my side.

The night winds down and I can see that you're getting tired. You've been up since 4 in the morning, and you're usually asleep so much earlier. I tell myself that if there's a next time, I should plan for earlier events. The show ends and all I can think to myself is that I hope you enjoyed yourself.

As we driving down the 405, you're browsing through my Ipod looking for songs to play. What songs did you happen to pick? Among them, I Wanna Be With You, Mandy Moore. If You're Not The One, Daniel Bedingfield. Lady In Red, Chris DeBurgh. You ask me why I group these songs into a "depressing" label, and I tell you honestly that they remind me that I'm not with someone, and you understand. Soon, you're singing out loud to the words. I smile to myself, realizing that I must be living some type of dream. I've often imagined being with you when listening to these songs, and here you were, an angelic presence singing to me, unknowingly serenading me with your sweet voice. I swear I didn't want the night to end.

As we return to your car, we say our good byes, and I wish so much that I could hug and hold you in my arms. Instead, I settle for a smile and see you drive off into the night, disappearing again, leaving me to wake up from my surreal dream.

Tuesday, March 28, 2006
  • Got the tickets, check.
  • Made reservations for dinner, check.
  • Planned the meet time, check.
  • Gassed and cleaned the car, check.
  • Setup playlist on Ipod, check.
  • Chose outfit, ironed and ready, check.
  • Extra cash on hand just in case, check.
  • Leaving work early, check.

I think that's everything, right? I hope I didn't forget anything. Please let tomorrow be perfect and memorable...

Monday, March 27, 2006
I'm so nervous right now. My stomach is feeling queasy and I'm filled with anxiety and trepidation. We talked tonight and set up the details for Wednesday, and I can honestly say that I'm so very happy that I finally get to see you again. I hope all works out ok, but I'm also worried. Have I accounted for the timing correctly? Will traffic be ok? What about the rain? Is the restaurant decent? Will I get lost? I can't remember the last time I've felt this nervous over meeting someone, but it's a good nervous though. I can only hope that by the end of the night, you'd have had a wonderful and memorable time.

So it turns out that you never received the Just Like Heaven DVD I got you. What could have happened to it? Is it loose somewhere in your car? Or in mine? I remember vividly that I packed everything up securely in that bag, so how could it have slipped? Strange...

Oh well, anxiously waiting and wishing that tomorrow were already over!
Sunday, March 26, 2006

What a weird dream I had last night. I was boarding an airplane when I ran into an old acquaintance. He asked me to give his sister her backpack. Knowing the guy, I accepted and took hold of it. As I walked through security, the checker asked me if all the bags were mine. It was then that I realized that I wasn't sure what was in the bag at all. As I nervously walked back and forth in front of the airplane, I became extremely anxious. Right before boarding the plane, I freaked, thinking that my family and all my loved ones were on this plane. So I dropped the backpack and got on, leaving it there laying on the ground. As we were flying, all of a sudden, these F1 jet fighters came up and started escorting the plane. Turns out that the backpack exploded a few minutes earlier and someone saw it as a sign and felt that the plane was in trouble. All of a sudden, these land to air missiles came out of nowhere and stuck us, and the last thing I remember is freaking out, fading into the image of my friend smiling as he watched things unfold on the television. Is that freaky or what?

So I spent my lunch eating dim sum with friends, and later in the afternoon, helped M install a car stereo for C. No instructions were provided, so I pretty much had to guess on what to do. Luckily, there were only a few mishaps, like an incorrect wire harness, but all in all, it was fairly simple to do. Glad I could help.

I also went looking at the Lexus IS again. The 350 is a nice car, I must admit, but with the Navigation and the Mark Levinson Premium Audio Package, the whole thing comes to 44K. This normally wouldn't be a problem, except I find a part of me would rather save that to invest in a home, and hopefully eventually a life with you.

I get so confused when I think of us. Sometimes I feel that we're moving closer, that I'm gradually approaching the fruition of all my dreams. At other times, I feel like nothing more than just another of your buddies. I don't know how to act around you. When it comes to talking at night, may I or may I not call you? Should I think of us in that way, or should I remain distant? It's so hard to be myself when the person I am just wants to call you up and find out about your day, listening to you with all my heart, telling you how much I missed you and how much I wish we were together right now. It's hard to say such things when I don't know where we are or even what we are. But I must say, I'm at least eternally grateful for having you as a part of my life. It's all about perspective, right? Look at the big picture I keep telling myself... good night sweetheart.
Saturday, March 25, 2006
I couldn't sleep again last night, and so I decided to watch Just Friends. By the way, to anyone who's seen her, Amy Smart is so pretty, don't you think? I couldn't help but be captivated every time she was on screen. Something about her, who knows. Anyway, I thought the movie was alright, kinda lame at parts while other parts had me balling. All and all, pretty forgettable, but it totally reminded me of you and of us actually. How long have I held these feelings for you inside of me, when you've only seen me as just a friend? Yes, it's sad when I think about it, but it's like the movie says, you can't control who you fall for. Just because you like someone doesn't mean that they have to like you back. All you can do is be yourself, to put yourself out there and hope for the best. And that's what I've done with you. I want so much to get to know you, to fall in love with you all over again, and to give you the opportunity to like me back. Part of me honestly believes that given time, that that will happen, and I guess that's the part of me that has faith in love still.

I think sometimes about why I write down my thoughts in here instead of a private diary, and I think it's a way for me to express myself and speak things on my mind, releasing my emotions out from being bottled up. If I were to merely write it down in a private book somewhere, I would never be heard. True, all of what I write is read by strangers, but that's where the anonymity provides me with a layer of safety and privacy, and it's that being heard that gives me a measure of satisfaction. I guess a person never cares what strangers think, only the ones that they care about. I can't tell those around me about you just yet, and so I shout it to the world instead. I love you.

You actually asked me if I would ever mind if you read my diary. Aside from being embarrassed at moments, I don't think I'd mind that much. I think it would give you the chance to know the true me and how my mind works. Of course that doesn't mean I'm about to tell you about this site nor am I going to let you dive into my deepest secrets. Especially not alone and without me by your side so that we can talk and you get the chance to know me more. But I feel what I write is a deep reflection of who I am, and if you are to eventually love me, then that's a part of me that I don't mind sharing with you.

So we had a family Dam Gio tonight for my grandmother. Most of the time was spent just eating and catching up with my cousins and playing with my nieces and nephews. It amazes me that they're growing up so fast. Seems like just yesterday when I was changing their diapers and feeding them their bottles of milk. Now they're turning into fine young men and women. Makes me long for a family of my own a bit.

Then there was the usual talk of hooking me up, which I just smiled and scoffed at. My cousin came up to me and shoved some girl's e-mail into my hand, and my uncle came up and tried to show me a picture of another girl. Of course the whole time, I could think of no one but you and how I wished you were there with me. And then there was the talk of work and money, on how I should change jobs, or how I should be making so and so. I know they all have my best interests at heart, but I guess I'm just different somehow. I'm ambitious, but my goals and my happiness aren't just measured by my salary. True, I'd love to have a place of my own and a nice car to drive, but not at the expense of working so much that I can't share the time with loved ones. When I think of you, I think monetary wise, I'll never be as rich as others expect me to be given my capabilities, but with you by my side, I'd consider myself the richest man on Earth. And that gets me smiling.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Ok, let's talk about something fun for a change. Anyone who knows me knows that I've been looking at cars for like a year now. My old Accord has served me well, but the mileage is getting up there and the maintenance costs are rising. It's starting to leak oil a bit and I worry about long trips. Plus I'm a young single guy, I should be driving something more youthful and exuberant. And so, I've been looking at cars. I sort of want something nice to spoil myself, but at the same time, I realize that it's just a car and I'd rather save up for a place of my own. Housing is ridiculous in Southern California. A small townhouse here runs for half a million! So part of me says save, save, and save so that I can finally afford a place, but the other part of me says that I need to reward myself a bit and get a fun car I'd enjoy. Then of course there's the ever persistent voice in the back of my head that says I'd rather save the money for a life with a certain someone out there, but let's not go there right now =)

So what are my choices? I've sort of got everything narrowed down to these four cars. I may or may not change my mind in the near future, but at the moment, I've decided on one of these.

Up first is the Porsche Boxster. That's pronounced Porsh-uh. I know, many enthusiasts don't consider this to be a true Porsche, but I don't care. I've liked this car since it's inception back in 1999, and it just looks nicer and sexier every year. The Cayman looks great too but I think I prefer the Boxster's open top. Not to mention the Cayman is selling for over 70K! Anyway, the Boxster has always been my dream car, but I must admit, the cost is quite prohibitive. It's 55K, has a high insurance and taxes, and higher maintenance costs. There's really no options on this thing, other than the sweet looking exterior. I'm holding onto this car just because I love how it looks and feels. Oh, and a certain someone out there drives this too. Hot girl for a hot car hahah.

So after that is the Mercedes SLK, new body edition. The base is 43K, but I sort of want Navigation on this bad boy. That will push it into the upper 46K range. Either way, it's a step down from the Porsche in price, but also in wow factor though. The interior is a lot nicer, but the eye catching exterior just isn't there as much. It is a hard top though, which should last longer, and it does have the Mercedes luxury name, so that's a plus, and the reliability is probably a little better. Insurance and maintenance are still high though. This is my attempt to stay in the luxury car market without breaking the fifty barrier.

That's the new 2006 Lexus IS. This sucker has 306 horse power and a beautiful interior. We're talking plush luxury that the two convertibles just don't have. However this isn't a convertible, and many feel that Lexus isn't in the same group as Mercedes. Kind of sucks doesn't it? To buy a fully equipped 43K car and not be considered luxury? If I don't get all the luxury options, then the price is under 40K, and if I don't want Navigation, then I could get it for 36K. Much more in my price range since I want to save for a house. But it's small, especially in the back, and I don't get the cool wow factor as the Boxster. How fun is this to drive?

And last but not least is the Mini S Convertible. This car's so fun to drive it's ridiculous. You can zip around town like a mini RC car. Plus, it's open top and the price is at an easy 30K, add a bit for Navigation. The thing is, I'm not sure this car is worth that much! Plus, it's tiny, and I'm a fairly robust guy, so will I look pretty funny driving this thing? Finally, it's a Bimmer, which I've heard their quality and reliability has gone down quite a bit in the last few years.

The funny thing is that I'd probably get the Mazda Miata if it weren't for the fact that someone out there who didn't know how lucky he was drove one, and I don't want to be associated with him. Otherwise that car is fun and cheap. So yeah, that's my predicament. I want something fun, but luxurious, and not too expensive because I want to be able to save for more important things, like a home and a family, and spending time and money with family and friends. Ah, what to do, what to do.


Monday, March 20, 2006

I miss you so much. I wonder if I've crossed your mind at all.

So I was out getting dinner tonight after work and I pulled into Jack In The Box. Inside, this lady was there asking all these ridiculous questions. I'll try to repeat her conversation here:

Her: What's in the Chicken Pita?
Worker: Chicken, corn, lettuce, tomato, sauce...
Her: Hmmm, what's in the chicken sandwich?
Worker: Chicken, lettuce, tomato, cheese, sauce...
Her: What about that burger... (pointing to the picture)
Worker: Beef, lettuce, tomato, cheese, sauce...
Her: Eww, no beef. Does it come in chicken?
Worker: No.
Her: What about the Chicken Pita?
Worker: Ummm, chicken, corn, lettuce, tomato, sauce...
Her: Ok, give me two chicken sandwiches.
Worker: (presses register)
Her: So what's in the Chicken Pita? Never mind, give me two sandwiches.
Worker: Two more?
Her: Oh, never mind, just two. So what's in the Chicken Pita?

I kid you not, this conversation goes on for a full 5 minutes before I got my food and managed to escape. When I left, she was still at it! Why do picky people insist on eating out? If the thing you eat is that important to you, don't be going to a fast food joint! I'm definitely becoming a curmudgeon aren't I?! And the worst part is, the whole time she was occupying the worker, her two children were walking around yelling and making unbearable noises, driving me nuts. I left there with such a headache.

When I dream of kids and a loving family, that is definitely not the image I want to see. I wonder what type of father I'd make. Hopefully I'd raise much better children than all the punk kids I see nowadays. Caring, loving, respectful. What ever happened to good old discipline?

Sometimes I sit and think what a good mother you'd make. What a loving wife you'd be. But I shouldn't think such thoughts, should I? *Sigh* I miss you...


Sunday, March 19, 2006

I dreamt about you again last night. As usual, I can't remember the details of everything, but I remember being somewhere with you. I fell asleep, but when I woke up, you were gone. I searched desperately and frantically for you, but all I could find was a note that you left behind. Yes, even in my dreams you remain beyond my reach.

So I stayed up and finished the book I mentioned yesterday last night. A couple of final thoughts crossed my reading. The first is that in relationships, there is always one person stronger than the other, a person that shows love more passionately than the other, but that doesn't mean that the weaker person loves the other any less. This is something I need to learn and need to accept. We all show our affections differently. But I've always been the stronger one, the one who never had a problem showing his affection. And at times, I feel so bitter that I've never been the beneficiary of such a strong love in return. It's one of my flaws, and it causes me unneeded grief. I wish I could change.

The other was a quote that stood out at me. Love isn't about looking back and loving something that would never change. It's about loving someone for everything they are. Changes are nothing more than an opportunity to fall in love with that person again. I don't ever worry that I've loved you for so long and that we're at different points in our lives. To me, the future just holds limitless opportunities for me to fall in love with you all over again and even more so. Whether or not I'm ever given the chance, I guess I can only dream...
Saturday, March 18, 2006

It's been almost a week since I last heard from you and to be honest, I'm a little disappointed. But it's my fault really, not yours. I shouldn't expect anything from you, and I blame myself for lowering my defenses. What happened to the guy that was so adamant that he was done with love? What happened to the one that swore he wouldn't let another girl hurt him? When will I realize that my dreams don't tend to be realistic, and that I live in a dream world? It's not fair to be putting hopes on you like this and it's entirely my doing.

I'm currently reading The Lovely Bones. In it, the main girl is killed off and she looks down from her heaven and watches those around her go on about their lives. At one point, she mentions how in heaven, she's allowed the opportunity to relieve specific moments in her life, the ones that brought her joy. It got me thinking too, to reflect on what points in my life would I want to experience again if given the opportunity.

  • Visiting the Fields Museum with my real dad.
  • A cross country vacation with him and my mom.
  • Seeing my sister born.
  • High school graduation and the weeks leading up to it.
  • The first time speaking to you.
  • Touring Vietnam with my entire extended family.

As a Buddhist, I don't know if I'm even supposed to believe in a heaven, but I've always felt that there is a better place where all my loved ones have gone. And that gives me hope, knowing that perhaps one day, I might see them all again.

On a side note, my quest to forego soft drinks has reached a week and my cravings seem to be getting more bearable.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Another rough day at work. My boss irritates me so much sometimes. He throws these tantrums like a 5 year old kid when things don't go his way. Today he was slamming the keyboard over and over, as if that would make the computer respond any faster. After locking up the computer with his constant and repetitive key pressing, he goes on to crash the whole Windows, which of course then required a restart. Of course he blames the program rather than the numerous key presses which are holding up the system. And all the while, he was very condescending to one of my coworkers, which I didn't appreciate very much. If he had taken the time to listen to her requests rather than intercede with his opinions right away, he would have seen that she had already tried what he asked her to do to no avail, and that is why she was asking for his help. Finally when I got a message from accounting regarding an item that he received and passed it on to him, he snapped at me that he was too busy to deal with such things. I was so pissed at that point that I snapped back, saying I'm just the messenger and if we get billed, it's not my concern. He must have noticed my irritation, because he seemed to be more apologetic and said that he's just not good with bureaucracy. Or course then he goes on to give a hypocritical speech about how all of us need to keep track of our packing slips and orders in one location, when it was his order that started this whole incident in the first place. I pretty much left at the end of the day with a huge headache. I get so frustrated sometimes working there. I tell myself not to let it bother me, that it's just the way he manages things, but it's so annoying. And I'm not the only one that thinks so; pretty much the consensus around the lab is that he manages to irk everyone. I think sometimes I should just leave. The pay isn't good enough to deal with such headaches.

My dearest Thuy, wherever you are, I hope your day was a lot better than mine.


Monday, March 13, 2006
Wow I had a pretty crappy day today. Worked sucked. A mess of bureaucratic nightmares to deal with, leaving me feeling unmotivated and with a desire to get out of there. And then a bunch of problems at home that remind me that I really need to get a place of my own. It's silly to think, but the day would have been much better had I heard your voice. I can't believe that I survived for years with only short time spans with you here and there and I was ok, and yet now a week seems like such a long time. Eh, I tell myself I'm not going to be one of those needy guys that constantly needs attention, but when it comes to you, I'm guilty of desiring so much. Oh well, wherever you are, I hope you're enjoying yourself and your time away from the troubles of the world. I look forward to hearing from you when you return, hopefully refreshed and inspired.

I've been thinking a lot about the girls that have come and gone in my life. In many ways, I feel guilty. There was this one girl that was very nice to me, and I could tell she liked me a lot. In fact, she told me so. But I was unable to respond to her, and eventually we lost touch. Was it cruel on my part? Unfair? I think I tried to like her back, but I couldn't. My heart has always belonged to you, and so I just couldn't gather myself to move on. I think she knew too. And though I think it was painful for her, and for all the others, it's only fair this way. A girl should be with a guy that would love her totally and give her all of his heart, a trait that I just can't do, and haven't been able to do since you took a part of it. I know you may think that I'm being irrational and crazy, especially since you were out of my life and I thought you long gone, but I needed to be fair to her, as well as myself. It's like you told me, you can't control who you love. All I can do is live my life accordingly to my morals and beliefs, and I truly believe that I'm not ready to move on while I'm still in love with you. I guess if I'm lucky, I won't ever have to...

Saturday, March 11, 2006

I dreamt of you last night. I was out somewhere with coworkers when I got a call from you to meet up at Disneyland. For some reason, I didn't have my car there, so I was desperately trying to find a way to leave and make my way to you. I thought about asking you to pick me up, but for some reason I couldn't. Next thing I know, I'm surrounded by family members at some wedding event. I was frantic because I wanted to leave so much. Before I knew it, I'm running in the street, flying by the crowds. At one point, I was literally floating, bouncing off walls and over obstacles. I became winded but I still pressed on. I wanted so much to see you that nothing seemed to stand in my way. When I finally arrived, it wasn't Disneyland I was at, but just some quiet park. I walked by a gathering of people, and heard the sound of applause. For some reason, I turned and looked at the crowd, sensing that in that group I could hear you clapping. There in the back you sat, nervous, smiling at me. For some reason, you were wearing a suit, and you acted shy and coy, not wanting to look me in the eye as I ran up to you and gave you a huge hug, lifting you into my arms. I asked you why you didn't call to me, but you just kept smiling not saying a word. A small tear finally formed in your eye.

Every time I dream of you, it makes me both happy and sad. It brings me great joy to be able to see your face, the gleam in your eye, your radiant smile that always lifts my spirits. But when I wake up, I can't help but feel the utter anguish of realizing that it was all just a dream. I wish I could just reach out and hug you for real.

Everywhere I go nowadays, everything reminds me of you. When I see a cute outfit, it makes me wonder how you would look in it. When I see a nice pair of glasses, I think of how I've never seen you without contacts. Or without makeup for that matter. When I read a story of love and loss, I think about my relationship with you. Every beautiful girl that I see pales in comparison. And every conversation with an interesting person doesn't seem so get my attention as when I'm sitting here talking to you.

I miss you dearly. I was hoping to hear from you tonight before you go off for a week, but I know you've been tired and drained. I wish things were better between us so that I could be there for you, giving you strength and support. My thoughts and prayers are with you though. Have a safe and wonderful time. I love you...

Thursday, March 9, 2006
I went out to lunch today and saw this girl that totally reminded me of you. Maybe it was the outfit she wore, or the way she carried herself about with a sense of class, or maybe even her proper behavior. All I know is that I kept glancing over at her, not because I found her attractive, but because I constantly pictured you instead. I kept imagining what it would be like if it were us having lunch together, a small break in the day as we go about our busy lives.

So I finished my latest book last night. It's called The Last Time They Met. Isn't it funny how I always seem to be picking books that remind me of you? Anyway the book was only alright in my eyes, mostly because of the ending which I felt cheated the reader of everything they went through, but also because most of the writing was overly superfluous and long winded. The author seemed more focused on using big words rather than moving the story along.

Anyway, so it started really slow, but picked up more as the story progressed. Basically it's about a love that spans a lifetime between a couple, from when when they are old and near the end of their lives back to when they first met in high school. It touched me because in many ways, it reminds me of us, and how our lives seem to criss cross at such random times. Are you the love of my life, destined to always be a part of me that I carry around in my heart? Will you always be my deepest regret? How can there ever be another when I hold you so deeply? I look back on my life and there isn't much that I regret. Most of everything that's happened has helped shaped me into the man that I am today. But sadly, I must admit that I can't help but always look back at us, of when we first met, and regret not seeing the signs back then. Perhaps if I did, we both would have been spared such heartache and both of our lives would be better now. Together.

Wednesday, March 8, 2006

I read some of my old journal entries yesterday, and you know what I found out? The day we were supposed to go to Disneyland a couple of months ago was 8 years to the day exactly since I first met you. Is that coincidence or what?

January 12, 1998 (11:20 p.m.)… What a day. Kinda depressed and sad, but not hurting or anything. Well, during MCAT class, I met this girl named Thuy and she was pretty cool. She goes to USC and we just talked during like the 10 minute break. She seemed like a really nice girl...

It began so simply. Of course I didn't know it then how much of an impact you'd have on my life. But looking back now though, I will forever remember that as the day when an angel stepped into my life for the first time.

I kick myself as I read over my past mistakes; but also, I smile at those memories of when we first met. The world seemed so simpler back then. And so I try to tell myself not to be sad and not to worry. The future will be what it will be, for no one can tell what it holds. But at least I will always have some wonderful memories of you to hold on to.

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

If I've learned anything at all, it's that life is cruel. Someone up there must be toying with me, pulling at the strings of my heart and seeing how much I can withstand, testing my resolve and my breaking point. Did I do something to deserve such anguish? It must so, because why else has everything happened this way? Why have you been brought back into my life, my ever elusive angel, only to be constantly beyond reach? Why am I to constantly bear a broken heart? Was it not enough that I endured for so long the thought of not being with you? I had moved on, finding peace with myself, believing that you'd be happy. I was happy for you and content with growing old by myself, always holding onto the memory of you deep within the recesses of my heart where no others could see. Why the need to dangle my dreams in front of me yet again, only to take them away in such a heart wrenching manner?

Is this nothing more than another roadblock in my ever ending quest for happiness with you? Must I let you go while secretly holding on to hope that one day in the future, all will be ok? That you would wake up one day and realize that you love me as I love you? Why do I feel like the stars themselves are blocking me from that which true happiness?

I sit here stung and pained. Alone. Where have my defenses gone? Where have my walls gone? Without them, I have nothing to hold back a floodgate of tears. Despite the utter heart break I'm feeling, I sit here telling myself that I should be looking for the best for you. I want your happiness, even if that means I'm not the one to make it so. I need to let you go so that you may find it for yourself. That is the meaning of unconditional love, after all. Perhaps if conditions were simpler, we would be together and I'd be the one with that honor. But I must accept what cruelties life has bestowed upon me. No regrets, for at least you know I how I feel. Maybe one day in the future, if you're feeling down, you'll think of me with happy thoughts. Know always that you have my friendship and support. And know always that you will forever have my heart.

Monday, March 6, 2006

I couldn't sleep again last night and actually came into work late this morning. No big deal, I do make my own hours after all. But it's such a complete dichotomy compared to a few weeks ago when I couldn't wait to wake up in the morning. I find myself looking forward to my days less without the certainty of hearing from you, and the nights are excruciatingly lonely.

How did I manage this for so long without you? Up until a few months ago, I was perfectly content with life, listlessly going day by day. And though I thought about you, I didn't think we ever had a chance.

But now it seems like every waking moment of my life is spent wondering what's to become of us. All my defenses that I built up over the years and depended on for support has suddenly varnished.

It's ok though. It's the risk I chose to take when I let you know how I truly feel about you. Nothing is easy in life and all that's worthwhile is worth fighting for and worth holding onto.

If you are to be loved, love and be lovable.

Sunday, March 5, 2006
It's 4:16 in the morning and I can't sleep. All I seem to think about is you. Images keep coming up in my head. The thought of holding you tightly at the end of the night, embracing you so lovingly, kissing you so passionately. I find myself constantly dreaming of a future with you. Will this dream ever become reality? Always the restless dreams...

...

5:07. I'm sitting here waiting for my parents to get ready. We're supposed to go out to eat dinner with some family members soon. They're not ready yet, so I'm just sitting here, reflecting on things as I listen to some music. I remember when I first saw you a few months ago. I hadn't seen you in years, and yet your radiant beauty hadn't diminished at all. Quite the contrary, you managed to still take my breath away. I remember how I immediately noticed the platinum cross on your neck, as it accentuated your neckline. So simple, so elegant. Classy. I thought it so beautiful. Strange isn't it, that it would be the first thing I admired. I guess I don't see you as just a Catholic girl, or it as a religious obstacle that must be dealt with. All I see is the person before me, her true self and all the aspects that embody her, and that is whom I've come to love. I miss you.

Saturday, March 4, 2006
I had a pretty crappy Friday yesterday. Long day at work. Schedule interfered with lunch. Dinner sucked. But that wasn't where I wanted to go anyway. I warned them the food sucked, but whatever. Movie was boring too. Then again, I didn't want to see that movie anyway either. Too many annoying comments about salary and banking. Too many annoying comments about sex.

It irritates me so much that my friend always makes comments about money, or his lack thereof. He actually said that if it weren't for the fact that he lived at home, he'd be making poverty level. Can someone please say "Holy fuck, that's the biggest pile of ridiculous crap I've ever heard from you? And you've said a lot of crap!" The guy makes 6 figures, has a luxury car, and a brand new house. Please, oh please just stop complaining. Wake up from your damn fantasy world and take a look at the real world, at others around you. I make a small percentage of that and seem to do just fine! I don't complain about my life, so take a hint.

Again, it frustrates me when they make mindless comments about hooking up with a random girl. I don't flirt. Girls aren't flirting back to me. It's just called nice conversation. I don't plan my whole days and nights just to meet some "hot chick with c cups". I don't want sex. What is sex without love anyway besides meaningless. My heart is now and forever reserved for only one beautiful person, the angel of my life. For so long now, it always has been.

I don't know, don't mind me. I'm just venting. All the alacrity seems to have gone out of my life recently. Or maybe that the stress of wondering about us is getting to me. Sometimes I think I prefer to be myself as I wait for your answer. With you, I wouldn't care about how much I make, because I'd have your love, and that makes me richer than any material item could provide. With you, I wouldn't have to hide a secret love. I'd be free to express it and show to the world that my heart is untouchable to all others.

Sometimes I think I just need to get out and do my own thing for a while, to clear my head and focus on the important things in my life. To leave my life of complacency and disappear for a week on a moment's notice.

Thursday, March 2, 2006

I really screwed up last night. I had planned on going out to dinner with the boys, and we usually meet at my place. So while we were sitting in my room waiting for M to arrive, Playa looked on my drawer and saw a receipt. All of a sudden, he yelled out "Whoa, he went to Tomikawa on a hot date. Aw, Tuesday, no wonder he had to ditch you Hombre!" Of course at that point, there was nothing I could say, since the receipt had the date and the time, so I didn't say anything. I just gave Hombre a somber look as if to say it's none of their business, ignored Playa, and then turned around to my desk again.

I can't believe I left that laying around. I usually keep things hidden pretty well, because I don't want anyone else to interfere with my life. The last time Playa knew about you years ago, he took it upon himself to confront you. I never appreciated it and quite frankly, he was out of line. I was quite upset with him because not only does he not know you, but he has no right to decide what's good for my life. If I lose you, then so be it, but I want it on our terms, not others. And so I don't want him or anyone else jeopardizing my chances with you again.

Also though, I don't talk about you much because I'm sort of superstitious. I feel that if I let myself be happy and think about you, and think about us, something bad will happen and all my dreams will be denied. I just don't want to get my hopes up, especially when I know the world can be such a cruel place and I've been let down so many times before.

That being said, I wonder if Hombre suspects. I mean Playa can yap and assume I have some hot date with some meaningless girl, but Hombre actually knows how much you mean to me. I think by the small comments I made here and there through the years, he knows how much I love you. And I wonder if he's figured something out, because he never questioned why I couldn't meet him like he normally would. And the rest of the night, he would give me contemplating looks, looking straight into my eyes, as if he were trying to discern if I were hiding some secret. Frankly, he knows that I've thought about no one but you for years now, but I wonder if he's starting to suspect that you're back in my life.

Hopefully if he does, then he'll keep it quiet and leave Playa and all others out of it. The last thing I want right now is to be bothered by it all. It already drains me so much to be strong in this situation, and wait for your answer, hiding my anxiety and apprehension behind a false smile. I wouldn't be able to handle Playa's immature comments as well. If the time comes when you make me happy beyond belief, then I will tell them all. But until then, all I want is my peace and solitude, to be left to my own thoughts. and especially if things don't work out, then I'd rather it be a secret part of me that I carry around for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, March 1, 2006

You looked gorgeous last night. I've never seen you so dressed up and it amazes me that you still manage to surprise me in so many ways. It doesn't surprise me though that you're so beautiful; to me you always have been. But despite your outward beauty, I could see the stress and pain in your eyes. I wonder, when people look at me, can they see past the smile that I show to the world? Can they look into my eyes and see the secret pain I carry around in my soul?

I don't know what to think anymore... a lot seems to be racing through my head.

I drove around aimlessly last night trying to clear my thoughts after our talk. Yes, it's scary beyond belief, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous. But somehow, I think deep down I already knew these things. After all, I put a lot of thought into this before telling you how I felt. I know your beliefs, and I felt you deserved my careful consideration before telling you everything. In fact, this was one of the reasons why I waited to so long to do so. You see, I used to think it was important to me. Somewhere along the way though, as the years rolled by and the regret started building, when I came to the realization that it was you that I was in love with, I realized that it wasn't as important as I thought it'd be. What's worse was that I let it interfere with things, that I let you slip out of my life. So when presented with a second chance, I did a lot of soul searching. But in the end, I knew that if I let it all slip away again, I'd regret it even more for the rest of my life.

They say the best things in life are worth working for, and worth fighting for, and so it is with you as well.

In many ways, it does make me sad though. I feel like I'm being judged before anyone even knows me. No one can possibly know how much I love you, how I'd always be there for you. They don't know what type of husband I could be. What type of father I could be. I worry that they won't see past all the superficialities and see me as a nice, warm, caring, and loving human being. You see, my family is very important to me and the ones I love are always the most important priorities in my life. But somehow, I worry that's not good enough. It's totally unfair because if your ex, who was Catholic, could hurt you so, why doesn't everyone realize that religion isn't everything in this world?

But I don't blame you though. Nor do I blame them. I understand how the world works. It seems superficial, but a lot of the world is, and so I accept it. I know that it's sad and scary, but I honestly feel that if I had your love and support with me, I'd be able to handle it. That is of course, if I had your love and support. I'm still not sure where you stand on all this. After all, you've told me how pretty much everyone feels, except the one that really matters... you.

I sit and wonder sometimes. I may love you and will always be there for you. And I've accepted that Catholicism will always be a part of our lives, be it your parents or our children. Though I look forward to sharing it all with you, will you ever be as happy with a guy like me, knowing that I can't share that final step with you? That through it all, I'm still not Catholic? And though any children we have would be Catholic, I still wouldn't be, nor will I ever be. And will you be happy in my family, where we don't have the same beliefs? Would you be happy since I would be expressing my beliefs to you as well? It pains me to think of such things, but I want to know your feelings. I want you to be happy. Because without your happiness, without your love and support, I don't know if I have the strength to face it all.

And so I continue to wait, giving you all the time you need, because I love...

Love is seeing the person you love happy, even if it may not mean you are the one to make her so.