.: archives :.
 
 
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I've been anxious all day. Two hours ago, my heart started racing. I'm sitting here now, staring at the clock. 6:17Pm. *sigh* Wish me luck...
Monday, February 27, 2006
Nervousness. Anxiety. Preoccupation. Apprehension. Worry. Concern. Excitement. Tension. Fear. Hope.

All these feelings race through me. My heart is racing. Rocketing actually. I'm actually shaking right now. Can't focus. Can't think. I tried reading a book. I tried playing a quick game. I even tried drawing. Nothing. Nothing works in calming me down. Only one thought is in my head.

What will happen after tomorrow... please, oh please...
Sunday, February 26, 2006
My dearest Thuy, I can't believe it's only been a week since I last talked to you. The time has felt excruciatingly longer, as if a year and several seasons has passed. I feel as if my very soul has aged a lifetime.

Do you know that I can't go anywhere without my phone, constantly checking it to see if I somehow missed your call? The days pass by so slowly, and the nights are even worse. Everywhere I go, all I seem to think about is you. At a nice restaurant, I think of how you might like it if I took you there. When I look at cars or look at homes, I wonder how what I'd buy would affect you. How it would affect us. How any decision I make may eventually affect our future. When an adorable baby comes into view, I dream of sharing a life with you and raising a happy family together. And when I look up at the stars at night, I think of how lonely life would be without being able to share it with the one I love. I dream of you every waking minute and I see you in my dreams when I sleep at night.

I honestly thought about writing down everything's that happened to us in a book, so that later on I can reflect on it all. My very own memoirs, a personal romantic fairy tale if you will. Kind of like real The Notebook. Only right now, I don't know how the story will end. Will it end tragically, with my spirit destined to roam the heavens always and forever unsuccessfully looking for my soul mate? Or will it be a happily ever after resolution that reaffirms that romantic idealism isn't dead in today's society?

How I long to hear your voice. I found a way to save all your old voicemails tonight. I guess I never had the heart to delete them. Though they may not carry any significance to others hearing them, and the act itself might even seem a bit strange, to me, it's just another way for me to hold onto you further. A way to forever hear your sweet angelic, almost dreamy voice, even when I'm old and no longer quite sure of my place in the world. When all memories and images have faded, I'll still have something of permanence to hold on to you by.

Saturday, February 25, 2006
My dad's birthday was yesterday. My real dad that is. I guess I don't talk about him much. Part of it is that he passed away when I was really young. It's been almost 20 years since I lost him. But it's also because it's a private part of me that a lot of people just don't understand. Not many people know that when I'm feeling depressed or when the world beats me down, I don't really turn to anyone else. Instead, I tend to go to the temple where my dad's ashes are and just reflect on things, as if his spirit were there with me. I find a peaceful solace, tranquil and quiet. I remember when my ex and I broke up, I spent a lot of time there by myself, feeling isolated and alone. So I tried to go after dinner, but this year it was already closed when I arrived, so he was just with me in my thoughts as the night progressed.

I reflect on a lot of things while I'm there. Most of the time, I think of my current life, on my what's going on with it. Often, I sit and wonder what he would think of me if he were still alive today. I like to believe that he would be proud of who I've become, of my morals and beliefs. Isn't it funny how a young boy looks up to his dad with a certain case of hero worship? Since he passed away when I was still a kid, that all knowing mentality that I picture of him has never really faded. In fact, when I sit and wonder if I made the right choices in life, like not pursuing medical school, I picture him telling me what I did was ok, that I should live my life the way I want.

But how true is that image? Had my dad lived, would he act the same way as all those around me? I can't say I really knew him, and that makes me really sad. Much of who I've become has been based on this idealistic image or who I imagined him to be, but what if he wasn't? How different would my life have been had he not passed away?

I've never been bitter at losing him so young. The way I see it, life will give you a certain hand, and it's up to you to deal with it. Besides, I've had a loving mom that did her best in his stead to raise me, a loving step-dad who raised me as his own son, and a loving family to grow up around. You have to find the silver linings in life and be happy with what you have, instead of constantly wishing for what you didn't. That's the road to true happiness. If only I can take that advice when it comes to you.

I don't know if there truly is such a thing as guardian angels or some benevolent spirit that watches over us, but he's always been the one for me. If things ever work out with you as I hope they do, I can look up at the stars and thank him for answering my prayers.

Missing you more with each passing day...
Thursday, February 23, 2006

I feel a little better today. Maybe it was the sound of your voice saying hi yesterday. Maybe it's because I've decided to reread The Rescue and Sparks' books always uplift me. Or maybe it's because I've been listening to Some Hearts over and over again, and the lyrics really speak to me. But the end effect is that things don't seem so bleak. It seems to me that the longer you think about things, it must mean that you're seriously considering, and that provides me with hope that I'll hear good news soon.

So I finally set up my MySpace page. It looks great in Firefox but still looks like crap in Internet Explorer, but I'll fix that later tonight. It's about time isn't it? You'd think that someone who spent as much time on the computer as I do would respond to e-mails faster and be up to date with all the latest technology trends. But everyone forgets the other factor behind all my activities, and that's laziness! I enjoy my time too much. But yeah, I finally created it, and it's actually a mirror of the design I've done here. Symbolic.

I've never been the kind that you’d call lucky,
always stumbling around in circles.
But I must have stumbled into something.
Look at me, am I really alone with you?
I wake up feeling like my life’s worth living,
can’t recall when I last felt that way.
Guess it must be all this love you’re giving,
Never knew it could be like this...

Now who’d have thought someone like you could love me?
You’re the last thing my heart expected.
Who’d have thought I’d ever find somebody?
Someone who makes me feel like this...

.: Some Hearts :.
~ Carrie Underwood ~


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

I couldn't sleep last night, so instead I spent the time reading over some of my old entries. Several stood out when I read them again.

July 7, 2002
May 10, 2003
March 29, 2004
July 11, 2004

Not to mention several entries that I haven't had a chance to bring over yet. Reading them again brought a smile to my face, for they remind me how much you've meant to me over the years, and how much you mean to me still. My love for you has only grown, and when I read my words that I wrote 2, 3, even 4 years ago, it reassures me that I will still feel the same years from now. And I have no doubt that my love for you will only grow with time.

I'm optimistic that we'll get the chance to be together. Why else would you have come back into my life, like an angel from above? How else could we have talked so comfortably and shared so much about ourselves these past weeks? There must have been a connection, and if so, then you must have felt it too, I'm sure of that. I'm praying that you find your answers soon, that they'll be happy ones, so that I can once again have you in my life. I miss you...

Tuesday, February 21, 2006
I had such a hard time getting out of bed this morning. However much the thought of hearing from you has lifted my spirits these past few weeks, making me feel alive, inspiring me and giving me energy, not having you as part of my life has left me feeling empty and hollow. I feel dejected and lethargic, unable to motivate myself. I'm back to just living life, rather than being alive. I sit here now at work unable to focus, not because I'm daydreaming like before, envisioning a life with you, but instead worried about having to face a life without you.

I had a long talk with M last night, the second time we've done so this week. It's good that I'm able to talk about you to someone else in my life. So often I feel like you're a secret part of me, of who I've become, that no one else seems to understand or even know exists.

At one point, he asked me if I feel like you're my soul mate. I told him that I do. It's strange how I never felt the same with my ex. We spent almost two years together, and in that time I grew to love her very much. But I never felt that she was my soul mate. And here you are, a girl that I've known for almost 10 years, yet we've never spent that much time together. Yes, we've talked on the phone, written letters to each other, and hung out a few times through the years. But we've never been on anything even remotely resembling a date. In your eyes, I've always just been a friend.

So how come I've come to regard you as my soul mate, especially when I've never felt that way with anyone else? It's more than the fact that I've fallen in love with you. It's more than how you make me happy beyond belief. And it's even more than me being able to spend the rest of my life with you. It's the utter feeling of emptiness when you're not around, and the feeling of being whole and complete when you are. The rest of the world just fades into the background, and there's only you. You are the one I was meant to be with, no other, and that's why my love for you has only grown with time these past few years instead of fading like the sunset.

And so I continue with my prayers, hoping in all earnest that they are heeded...

Monday, February 20, 2006
I cried myself to sleep last night. And now I'm sitting here, still stung by everything. It's strange how love can be the source of the deepest pains as well as the greatest happiness. I don't know what to do, except sit here and pray with all my heart and soul that everything will turn out ok.

I've never really prayed for anything. I guess I've always lived my life believing that what happens will happen. You work hard enough at something, and eventually you succeed or you don't. But I've always believed in karma, that as long as I'm a good and decent person, my life would be ok. I've never been mad at life for taking away my dad at such a young age, or having my heart ripped out when my ex's cheated on me. And though I've been bitter and hurt, I accepted that life has a purpose for me, that all things have led to who I am today. And I always believed that in the end, all would be ok, that I'd be content.

But contentment isn't enough is it. I'm tired of maintaining a strong facade these past few years, when deep down you've always been on my mind. I want happiness. I want a life of happiness with you. And so I sat there last night and I sit here now, praying over and over to have everything be as I wish. Why else would everything have happened the way it did? Why else would I have been given this second chance to tell you how I feel? My biggest fear right now is that my prayers won't be answered and that this has all been a cruel joke by some higher power just to see the limits of my fortitude. And if so, can I view fate with idealism anymore? How long can I hold on to hope? Is there meaning and purpose for us all, or is life just a cruel random act of events designed to test us and see how strong we can be?

Please, if there's any one out there looking after me, please let me finally be truly happy...
Sunday, February 19, 2006

I guess the time has come, just like you said it would. I only wish it didn't come tonight, especially how things ended between us. I'm pained and saddened right now, and I'm actually moved to tears, which hasn't happened to me in so long. Why am I such an idiot? I don't know why I do some of the things I do or say some of the things I say. Maybe it's a part of who I am, or maybe it's just another in the long line of ways that I screw things up. If things don't work out, and my heart's to be crushed, I really only have one person to blame, and that's myself.


Saturday, February 18, 2006
Gosh, I'm freaking 28 today. I feel old. My birthday was pleasant though. Yesterday I went to eat and chill with the boys. And today, my sister surprised me by baking me a cheesecake, which is like one of my favorite desserts. Then she bought me lunch and gave me my present. At night, I went out to eat with the family. It was nice and simple, the way I like it. Nothing overdone or blown out of proportion, just a quiet evening with loved ones.

So I got my first birthday wish from you at midnight last night, which was a pleasant surprise. Surely I thought you would have been asleep. But yeah, last night's talk was pretty interesting. It was very pleasant, but I must admit that at the end, I had my real first shocker since this all began, and it brought me crashing back to reality a bit.

I guess you were busy, so I didn't get a chance to hear from you tonight. Or perhaps you were already asleep, knocked out by all the stress facing you lately. I hope you get some much needed rest. After all, a beautiful gem needs to be taken care of delicately. But to be honest, not hearing your voice, it leaves me feeling empty. I can't believe in so short a time, I've come to look forward to the sound of your voice so much that it saddens me to go to bed without hearing it.

I dreamt about you last night. You called me up out of the blue and said that you were with your two cousins, except that it was a triple date. And then you asked me to join you as your date. I was so happy to hear that. Too bad I woke up shortly thereafter.

Good night my dearest. I wish I could tell you directly that I love you and hope you have a restful night full of sweet dreams, but I guess I'll just have to send my wish through the stars tonight.

Friday, February 17, 2006
I miss you. Silly huh? I know, I'm strange. But I'm sitting here and the only thing I want is to be able to call you up and hear your voice.

Last night was unbelievable. I don't know what I did to deserve all of this, but there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not grateful for having you come into my life. What a prebirthday gift huh? And to get a wish out of it, what an added bonus.

Of course the only thing I really wish for is us to be together. To be able to spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy. I guess only time will tell if that wish will come true.

I'm growing ever more hopeful that everything will work out between us. It's strange how at times, I can think of nothing except our differences, and how it's keeping us apart. And it makes me so sad. But then there are other times when I tell myself that love will eventually conquer all and that we're meant to be together. I just don't know, but for now I'm cautiously optimistic, which for me is a huge step.

Did I ever tell you of the ouija board experience I had? It happened some time during my senior year in high school. Or maybe my freshman year in college, it doesn't really matter. One of my aunts had told me and my cousins about the board, and about how it was so much more than just a game. We were looking for some fun and excitement, so we decided to try it just to see what the mystery surrounding it was all about. Though of course we were skeptical. So around midnight, we all went into the backyard (because she wouldn't allow it in the house) and set up a table with some candles, incense, and chairs. There must have been about 10 of my cousins there. We took turns, in groups of four, trying to see if we could communicate. Through the course of the next few hours, there was movement of the planchette, but it was always so obvious that someone was pushing it. I felt pretty unimpressed and frankly was getting bored.

At about 3 in the morning though, something happened. It was me and 3 of my cousins at the table, all with our hands on the board. We decided to give it another try. When the planchette started moving, I could tell something was different. It started making sweeping circles, large and smooth. Consistent, concentric. Almost out of control. Gone was the sense of someone else at the table pushing it. Instead, it felt like that feeling of two magnets repelling each other, and we were just being dragged along for the ride. I was even touching it so lightly that I felt if I let go, it would still spin. And I remember that when it happened, it was moving unbelievably fast and smooth. It felt like it was hovering! In fact, I shiver just thinking about it right now. I could tell by looking around at my cousins sitting there that they were all stunned as I was.

Well, whatever happened, we started asking questions. I can't remember all the things we asked it but one question stood out in particular. I asked it who I would marry. And the reply I got was "Vy". Anyway, after awhile I think we started getting nervous, so we stopped. And we haven't played again since. I left the house kind of weirded out and kept looking over my shoulder for hours. What happened that night? I have no idea. Of course those standing behind us never believed us afterwards, but I know there was something there that I can't explain.

The thing is, I never got any sense of dread or malevolence from that experience. It felt almost surreal. Sometimes I wonder what spirit it really was. But I've always felt it to be my dad or my grandmother, or some other loving guardian angel looking over me giving me hope, telling me to have faith that in the end, all will be ok.

So at the time, I didn't know any Vy's and therefore didn't think much of it. The thought never crossed my mind until a few years ago. Even until now, my initial reaction to the question of whether I know any Vy's would be no. The thing is, I really do though, don't I? You. You've always been Thuy in my eyes, but we both know that your real name is Vy, and it really makes me think, especially now in light of all that's happening between us. I still don't know what the future holds for us, but if things ever do work out and I'm lucky enough to spend my life with you, I'll always look back on that incident and wonder...

Thursday, February 16, 2006
The days go by so slowly now. I can't focus on my work, for you constantly appear in my thoughts. I think about how amazing the past few weeks have been, and I can hardly believe it's only been that short a time. You make me happier than you could possibly realize, and I pray with all my heart that this never has to end. And all I can do is sit here, anxious for the day to end, waiting until the next time when I can hear your voice and your sweet laughter.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006
I'm sitting here at work and I can't seem to focus on anything except the thought of you. Images. Dreams. Fantasies. Fleeting glimpses of a future that might be. I can't seem to get the thoughts that you put there out of my mind, and to that, all I can do is smile. I'll be honest when I say that I've never thought of you that way before, for how could I? But now that you've opened up my mind to such ideas, it's like a veil has been lifted and I can see clearly in a new light, and I can tell you that it's a whole new side of you that I totally love, a side of you that I can only hope to share in the future.

It's so disappointing about the next two weeks, and though I'm sad, of course I understand. Family always comes first, and that's part of the reason I love you so. Don't ever feel like you're disappointing me.

I couldn't give you my Valentine's wish in person for obvious reasons, but I'll say it here. I love you Thuy, with all my heart and all my soul. I don't know what powers brought and kept you in my life, or what the future holds for our destinies, but know that there isn't a day that passes by where I don't think about you in some way. You are the sun that lights up my life and you are the lone star in the night that inspires me and guides me. I miss you when you're not near, and I dream of a life spent shared with you. You complete me like I never thought possible. Unwavering, my love for you only grows stronger with each passing moment. You'll have my love for all my life. Suốt đời của anh, anh xẻ chân thành hết lòng yêu thương mến em mãi mãi.

I'm so scared that my wishes will never come true and you'll leave my life again. Forever. But for now, I must have faith and hold on to hope. Yesterday was honestly the best V-day I've had in years, just being able to relax and talk to you at the end of long day at work. Thank you so much for the memories!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy Valentine's Day. I hope you like it.

Monday, February 13, 2006
I'm sitting here at work, thinking about you. I've never gotten the chance to ask you of this, but do you even like me? Is there any hint of attraction there or am I nothing more than a friend in your eyes? Because if not, all of these other concerns & confusions and all of these other obstacles don't really matter, do they?

Sometimes I wonder if you know how much your words affect me. Though they can be the source of such great happiness at times, they can also sting my heart with the deepest cut.

I think back about what we talked about, how I should go and find someone who I find naturally beautiful, how I shouldn't settle. And I remember before when you told me you don't know if we could really stay friends because that's the only way for me to heal. When I hear such things, it pains me beyond belief. Though I smile and carry on my outside strong persona, deep down I'm crying tears of anguish. Can't you see that there's a reason I told you how I feel? Can't you see that you are already the person that I find beautiful and that it isn't settling? Time may indeed heal all things, but can't you see that I don't want to ever forget this feeling of love I have for you?

I feel tired. I can't explain it, but it I get the impression that you're looking for reasons for us not to be together, and it dejects me. I can only hope that it's paranoia, but then again, I should have learned by now not to get my hopes up.

...

Our talk tonight was quite different than usual. A lot of personal and intimate details that I can't believe we shared with each other. I can't believe I told you what I did. I can only smile and laugh at myself now, embarrassed, wondering how I'll ever get the nerve to face you again. I can only hope that what you learned were good things in your eyes...

Sunday, February 12, 2006
Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot,
who calls you back when you hang up on him,
who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat,
who will stay awake just to watch you sleep...

Wait for the boy who kisses your forehead,
who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats,
who holds your hand in front of his friends,
who thinks you're even prettier w/out makeup on.

One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky he is to have YOU...
The one who turns to his friends and says, "thats her"...

*Sigh* I ran across this quote while surfing the web and it reminds me so much of how I feel about you.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Happy Birthday to that special someone in my life. I know you don't like making a big deal of your birthday with me, but for those of us that care about you, it's a chance to celebrate having you in our lives. We're the lucky ones. May you always be happy and content, and be blessed with a life that's full of love, passion, and compassion. As for me, may I always be blessed to have you as a part of my life as well.

...

I remember our conversation last night, about how one man's trash is another man's treasure. Frankly it amazes me that anyone would not see what's so beautiful and so wonderful about you. Some people just don't have know how lucky they are with what they have in front of them!

So I went down to Corona Del Mar today to watch the sunset and to take some pictures. It's been a while since I've been to the beach, and in fact, on one of my previous trips there, I remember walking down to the sand writing the words "I Love Thuy". I've always wondered if anyone walking by later would wonder who wrote that. So as I walked on the sand again today, I found a stick and wrote the words "I Love Thuy Still" into the sands above the waves. I don't know if the words survived high tide, but I know my feelings for you could never be washed away so simply.

Sometimes I sit and wonder how my love for you has grown over the years. I mean we haven't talked and haven't kept in touch. You've been out of my life, and to all my knowledge, you've moved on and that chapter of my life should really be closed. But despite that, despite not ever hearing the sweet sound of your voice, my feelings for you have never swayed. I don't know how or why it's grown, but I know it's there, and that's why I know it's real.

I read a science article lately that states that altruistic love is the path to happiness, that those who view their relationships always caring about their significant other's happiness tend to live richer lives and have happier marriages. And I know that's what I have with you. Your happiness means more than my own. That's why my love for you has only gotten stronger with time instead of the opposite. I love you so much that it hurts sometimes. *Sigh* I wish I tell you so.

As I strolled by the houses that overlooked the ocean, as the sun slowly set beyond the horizon, I thought of you and wondered if I'd ever have the chance to share my life with you like that. To be able to sit and hold you in my arms at the end of the day and slowly enjoy each other's company, oblivious to the world. It seems like such a simple thing that would make me happy, but I wonder if I'll ever be so lucky.

You asked why I still love you so, and why it keeps growing, when if you truly are out of reach, I should move on. Perhaps it's just the romantic side of me, but that's my nature and no one can change that. If I have to wait 10 years, 20 years, or even a lifetime, I have no problem with that. Maybe one day in the future, when there are no other hardships or obstacles, nothing stopping us, and when things are simple again, you'd develop feelings for me and let me in. And at that point, even if there's nothing more than me being able to finally tell you at the end of my life that I've loved for so long, then that would be enough for me.

Friday, February 10, 2006
I learned a lot more about you tonight. I can't believe how long we spent talking, but during that time, I've finally come to the conclusion that most of my fears are so unfounded. Sometimes I forget how wonderful you are, more than I remember. And you see, the more I learn of you, the more of you I love. It amazes me how similar we are in our hopes and dreams. And without even knowing it, you always manage to lift my soul up to new levels I didn't know it could reach.

Outside of the religious differences, I feel now more than ever that I can and would do almost whatever it takes to make you happy, and so now I worry that I'll never get that chance. All I can do now is hope that deep down, that you might be developing feelings for me as well.

So as usual, time flies when I'm spending it with you. As midnight scrolled by, I got to be the first one to wish you a very Happy Birthday. May you enjoy a wonderful day full of love spent with family and surrounded by the ones you love. I wish that I could be there with you too, to share in your happiness; if I'm lucky, maybe I will be one day.
Thursday, February 9, 2006
So I went to eat with the family tonight. It was ridiculous. I think at least 3 different people came up to me with the intent of setting me up with someone. The thing I don't get is that my older cousin was there and yet no one seemed to talk to him about things like that. Maybe it's too soon since he called off his wedding, or maybe it's because they haven't seen me date anyone in years. But the sad fact of the matter is that I'm not interested, and so I politely declined all requests for my number or e-mail, to much chagrin of many.

I wanted so much to say that's there's already someone else, someone that I've already given my heart and soul to. But would they understand? Sometimes I don't understand it myself. Especially since she just views me as a friend, and I don't know if she'd ever see me as anything more.

True, I'd be lying to myself and to the world if I said I would never fall in love with any of these other people, because no one knows what the future may hold. But I know myself. I know my feelings. And I'm not going to lie to myself. I've already found someone that I'm totally in love with. For better or for worse. And she's been on my mind for so long now I can't even imagine being with anyone else.

It's not like I'm holding out for her, because I'm not. Holding out would imply that there's a chance, but I don't know how realistic that is. For one thing, I think she totally deserves better. What I wrote about my concerns a few days ago has always resonated loudly in my psyche. And secondly, I'm not sure I'm the one that can make her totally happy, and I want with all my heart nothing more than to make her so. Despite how she makes me feel, all that is irrelevant if she can't picture a wonderful life together with me. It saddens me sometimes that I'm unable to fulfill that for her.

But the point is that I love her still, and will do so probably for the rest of my life, and it wouldn't be fair to her or anyone else if I ignored that. I don't think she'll ever know just how deeply she's touched my heart. So at this point in my life, if I never end up with anyone and I'm destined to think of no one but her for the rest of my life, I'm ok with that. I can actually smile and be content if that's my destiny.

Isn't it kind of tragic that I want nothing more than to be with her, and yet at the same time I want nothing more than for her to be happy? It seems like one of us is destined to be hurt, and I'd rather it be me because I hate to see her in pain. I guess the only way this would all work out is if my some miracle, we somehow ended up together. But how can that ever happen? I guess that's my biggest dream of all. My biggest hope.

...

By the time I got home, it was pretty late, and so I didn't get to call you. I was actually saddened by that. It's funny how in such short a time I've come to miss hearing the sound of your voice. Do you know that when we're talking, I want to tell you so much that you've made me feel more alive in the past few weeks than I have in years? That I never thought I could feel this way about anyone again? But I can't. The more I think about it, I don't want to scare you off either, so maybe it's better off this way, that we didn't get to talk. That way, I wouldn't get the chance to say something foolish and stick my foot in my mouth.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006
I've been thinking about karma lately. When I think about you, I wonder what I must have done in a past life, what good kind & generous deed must have I have accomplished to have you as a part of my life. But then I wonder of what I must have done wrong to not be able to be with you. You know what I find out? It's not anything that I've done in my past life, it's the mistakes I've done in this lifetime. I think back about all those missed opportunities that I didn't act on and I'm genuinely heart broken. To see such wonder and beauty in front of my eyes and be too blind and naive to see it until it was too late has racked my life with the pangs of regret and anguish. Whoever said that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all has never fallen in love with you.

And now I sit and wonder. So much races through my mind, both day and night, that I wonder if everything that's happening now is real. There's always that nagging reminder in the back of my mind that one day I'm going to wake up and find out that everything lately has been just a dream, a cruel and heart wrenching dream that I can't actually achieve.

We talked again tonight, and though you were worried about some of the things spoken last night, you really have nothing to worry about. Nothing you said could make me think any less of you, or pity you, or change my image of you. To me, you'll always be the warm caring person I've fallen in love with, that I'm still falling in love with, and that I'd be lucky to ever end up with. I wonder if you realize that. I told you in all honesty that I love hearing the sound of your voice before going to sleep, because it's so personal and so intimate. I feel so close to you. I hope you believe how sincere I am.

I used to look into the future, seeing myself grow old and alone. It wasn't bleak though, and to be honest, I had no problem with that. I had no desire to be with anyone. But since you're stepped into my life, I've found all my defenses that I've set up for years come crashing down. I thought that I would never let anyone in, and yet here you are penetrating deep into the recesses of my heart like no other has done. And I think of the future now, and I hate thinking about. Why? Because it has the potential to be so wonderful, so warm... so loving. Because you might be there with me. And I hate to think about it because I worry any second, I will wake up and my dream will be shattered. That you'll tell me what we weren't meant to be. And at that point, it'll be worse than before, for I no longer have my defenses to hold me steady. And I will have lost love all over again...
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
I dreamt about you this morning. I can't remember where we were, maybe it was the beach, maybe it was a summer drive. All I remember is that at one point, you became tired and needed to take a nap. As I continue driving, you rested your head on my shoulder and went to sleep. I felt so at peace in that instance, and even now that I think about it and imagine, I can think of nothing that would make me happier than sharing that quiet moment with you.

Anyway, welcome home today. I'm glad we got to talk last night, and I'm honored that I was the one that put you to sleep again tonight. I love hearing the sound of your voice before going to sleep. And I feel even more honored that you chose to share a part of your childhood with me, so that I can get to know the real you better. I know that is must have been difficult, but I'm glad you did, because in a way, it brought me closer to you. The more I learn about you, the more I fall for you. My biggest wish at the moment, that I can only hope that this is the first of many nights to come...
Monday, February 6, 2006
I thought about you a lot at work today. The memory of our last conversation still resonates loudly in my head. It's funny that you mention the only concern you have between us is our religious differences. My immediate answer to you is that I know how you feel. I spent years getting to know you, falling in love with you, but always holding back for fear of differences. How could we work it through? I've seen so many failed relationships that have been caused by religious differences and to me it's so unfair. Isn't religion just supposed to be a code to live by, a way to become a better person? Why is it destined to keep so many good people apart? But you know what? Some where along the way, I realized that it wasn't as significant a problem as I made it out to be. I've lived my life looking back, regretting, and so that issue seems so trivial now. Any hardships that we might have faced would have been worth it just so that we could be together. But I understand your concern and I don't blame you. I can only hope that in your eyes, it truly is a concern and not just something to look back on years from now and viewed as a mistake.

So it's funny though that you mention that as your only concern. For if you were to ask me, there's so much more that you should be thinking about. So much that I'm concerned about myself. To be honest, I feel so intimidated when I think of you and of your life. I'm no where near as successful as other guys you've known. I'm not as rich, not as handsome, not as cultured, and not as intelligent. I'm not as ambitious. I don't possess such high ranking titles or degrees and I don't hold such high places in society. I can't shower you with riches and I can't treat you like the queen you deserve to be. I worry... I worry that I'm not a man you would be proud to bring home to your parents and invite into your family. You see, I'm really just a simple guy. I dream simply of a warm loving family, of a life spent happily ever after. In all honestly, all I can do is promise to love you with all my heart, but I fear so much in this day and age when opinions matter so much that it's simply not enough anymore.

...

I heard your voice before going to sleep tonight. I'm reminded of my previous writings: It pains me to hear the quiver in your voice, to picture the tears running down your cheeks. Someone as sweet as you should never have to endure the bitterness of sorrow. If only I can hold you in my arms, shielding you from the rest of the world. Taking away all your pains unto myself. Looking you in the eye and saying that it'll be ok. Knowing that deep down, you deserve better.

Eventually you smile again. And it's still amazing how hearing you, even when you're sleepy and not fully aware of what you're saying, still manages to make my heart skip a beat and lift my soul. Emotional, full of life, like a poignant sunrise, your laughter echoes and resonates so deeply in my spirits that it makes me remember the wonderful things in life. And so I feel sad afterwards, for I wonder if I will ever get to truly be happy, forever and always, or are my dreams nothing more than an elusive enigma in my life, always slightly beyond my reach.
Sunday, February 5, 2006
It's been quite some time since I wrote my thoughts online. In fact, now that I look at it, it's been over a year and a half. I don't know why I stopped writing really. Well, actually I do. First, I think partly it was because my real world and my online world were beginning to collide. Things that I wrote here were being read by individuals that knew me in real life, and I no longer benefited from the anonymity that the old website provided. Secondly, to be honest, I was lazy. Maintaining the old site was a lot of work. It reached the point where I no longer had the energy to come home after a long day's work and spill my guts out online. But lastly and most importantly, I felt like it was time that I took a step back from the reason I started the site in the first place.

For those of you that don't know, I've been in love with this girl for quite some time now. Her nickname to me has always been and will always be MCAT girl. If you don't know about her, my original story and dedication are still posted on the links on the left. Anyway, a while ago, I found out that she was about to get married. To be truthful, I was devastated at the news, yet at the same time I was extremely happy for her. You see, I've come to value her happiness above my very own. But as the days and nights passed, I found it hard to keep having these feelings for her, and so I stopped writing. A part of me was hoping that I could just be happy for her and move on.

Little did I know that time hasn't diminished any of my feelings for her. Instead, if possibly, I love her now more so than I did back then.

And so I've decided to start writing again. I figured enough time has passed and I'm developing a new site so that I can once again write in peace and express my feelings for her without having to worry about certain individuals coming across my site. And maybe one day in the far future, by some stroke of luck, she might find this site and finally learn the truth of how much she means to me.

In the mean time, like I said, this is a new site, and so I'll be working on bringing some of my old entries over, as well as developing new material. I hope you all enjoy reading as I feel the need to express myself.