.: archives :.
 
 
Monday, December 25, 2006
I actually saw the sunrise this morning! I hope everyone had a wonderfully Merry Christmas. I'll update with pictures and some stories soon.

If I could have told her one thing, my Christmas wish you her: My dearest Thuy, I hope you had an amazing Christmas that was memorable beyond expectations. I hope you received all that your heart could possibly desire and much more so. May you always be surrounded with the love of family and friends, and may you be blessed with that special love that you seek and so deserve. Thank you for this past year that we've spent together, for it's been the world to me, more than you could possibly ever know. And thank you for always being my inspiration. You are my light. Merry Christmas and enjoy!
Friday, December 22, 2006
As I came into work this morning, I saw V in the hallway as she yelled out my name and gave me a quick smile. I was caught off guard and replied back "Hey, you looking for me?" She responded "No, just wanted to say hi," and then walked off. I thought nothing of it until a few minutes later when she walked into my office and gave me a Christmas gift. Astonished and humbled, I felt so bad that I didn't get her anything in return! I mean I thought about it as I do with all my coworkers, but in the years that I've worked there, none of us has ever exchanged gifts. Plus, I've only known her for like two months, so that totally caught me off guard. It was sweet of her though and I made sure to stop by and wish her and her sister a wonderful holiday and vacation before leaving for the day.

Yup, it's my last work day of 2006. Most of the day was spent finishing up some loose ends before I leave for two weeks. The coolest part was when I met Dave's children and his visiting nieces and nephews when he brought them in to show them all the robotic rehab devices. Such cute adorable children, especially the little girl. They all had their chances to sit, ride, or use the devices, and when he asked them if they wanted to play the games, they all yelled with emphatic exuberance. As one of them was in the arm support robot playing the game, they were all saying how cool it all was and asked how it was all made. He replied back, "you should ask Vu, he created all the games." The reaction was priceless. Every young head in the room turned and looked at me with gaping eyes and dropped jaws, as if I were Santa Claus himself. Needless to say, ego or no ego, that felt pretty dang good. Before leaving, they were all gathered around me giving me ideas on what would be fun or what new game to design. Pretty amazing.

Had dinner with Lord Laomedon, Hombre, M, and his woman. My cousins Sir Spend-A-Lot and Big D were supposed to join us but they decided to catch the Laker Game at DV instead. Hilarious those two. We laughed as we recounted the tales of Hombre's flirtatious drunken night during the wedding, and M and N told us of their trip to New York. Sounds pretty cool. I must go there sometime. We also tried to nail the details of the Europe trip a bit. That should be awesome. Hmm, gotta make sure the bills get paid ahead of time if I'm going to be gone that long. While we were chilling with the Wii, Playa called from his honeymoon to talk. Pretty funny guy to be calling this often. Is he bored or something?

I've been doing a lot of thinking and I'm so very tired of it all. Maybe Jap Girl's right after all. What am I to do?
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
So, did anyone see that new Transformers trailer that went online today? Talk about sucking, it looked so weak! Still, I'll reserve judgment until after I see the movie, since I was so wrong with Batman Returns. But from the trailer, Michael Bay really messed with the Transformers mythology big time! I mean as a Sci-Fi alien robot movie, it looks kind of cool. But as a Transformers movie? Looks completely wrong to me, like another X3 in the making. We'll see. Oh, on a side note, the good news is that my Superman items shipped today. Hope I get it before Christmas cuz besides that, I didn't really get myself anything this year. Yes, I know, shocking isn't it?

Funniest Playa update. Apparently Hombre got a message from him today asking him to set up his Fantasy Basketball lineup for the week. Did I mention that the dude is supposed to be in Hawaii on his honeymoon? LOL, if that were me and I were on some exotic getaway with a certain someone, there'd be no way I'd be able to think of anything except her. I already think of her too much as it is! Ha ha, and especially if it were our honeymoon too. I'd be all over her so much that I'd be lucky if I were able to keep track of the time of day!!!

I swear, I can't get that song Mùa Đông Hoa Trắng out of my head! I've been listening to it on repeat all day. There's something about the melody, the harmony of the instruments, and the utterly depressing lyrics that has had me captivated by this song for so long now ever since I first heard it. In fact, if someone were to ask me what my favorite Vietnamese song is, I'd be hard pressed to choose between that song and Minh Tuyết's Thầm Gọi Tên Anh. I think it's because they both use the Chinese erhu so well that the song becomes so emotional. Of course I really have four main songs that I adore and listen to repeatedly, but I think this song tops them all. And yes by the way, there'll all completely heart wrenching and they all remind me of the love of my life, which is why I love them so.

I had a pretty horrible dream last night. Somehow I came across a letter written by MCAT girl where she spoke of her love for this guy at her work. She listed all these traits that made him so wonderful and she pointed out how much he missed her since she was away. Then she asked for advice on what she was to do. I remember feeling such pain in my heart, torn because I loved her just as much as he. Much more so, even. And yet she didn't know I was alive. But I wanted her happy so what was I to do? The stinging was so deep that even when I woke up, the pain lingered all morning. *sigh*, Is this some sign? Some power from above reminding me that she doesn't see me in that way and that I should stop wishing so much? Was that dream a manifestation of my biggest fear of losing her one day?

I got to talk to her for quite a while last night, which was so wonderful. She called me up when she couldn't sleep and talking to her felt so natural and so right. When she speaks to me that late at night, things are so much more relaxed and open between us. We share things that I don't think we'd share otherwise, and I think that's why I cherish those talks so much. So intimate and close, it's as if there were an emotional connection between us. I didn't want it to end.

It's sad when I think about it, how unfair life can be. I love her with all my heart, desiring her in a way that no other could match. I love her more and more with each passing day. And through it all, though I want nothing more in life than to do all that a boyfriend could do... like having her picture at home and at work, warming her up with my jacket if she's cold, or in my arms even, surprising her with flowers for no reason than to let her know she's important to me, and just treating her special... she won't let me. Even though these are things I'm sure she greatly desires herself and things she so rightly deserves, and even though I'm willing to offer all I can, I'm not the one she wants it from. Sucks doesn't it? *sigh* Will she ever want such things from me or am I destined to live my life by the bittersweet quote on this site?
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
I returned to work today after taking the day off sick yesterday. Though I got some much needed rest, it was tough being back in the thick of things today. Talk about annoying, I can't take even one day off without something going wrong. Apparently one of the scans couldn't be run yesterday because a huge problem came up that no one could figure out. Only three more days and then I get a nice two weeks off. Can't wait.

My friends and I are planning a trip to Europe at the beginning of March. That should be fun. I hope I have enough saved up. What with all my bills and how much I've spent on gifts and what not, I'm really taking a hurting. What can I say, you only live once right?

Did anyone read that article about from the Associated Press regarding a recent study on premarital sex? I thought it was eye opening. A whopping 95% of people interviewed in this country have had premarital sex before getting married. I knew it was high, but not even I imagined it was that high. And yes, I fall into the minority yet again, but as people keep telling me, I'm not the average guy. When you think about it though, waiting for that special person that you're going to share your life with is kind of ironic because if those stats are true, then chances are the person you end up with won't really care if you waited for them or not right? Oh well, it's not like I really care about that stuff anyway, since I've always stated that girl's past means nothing to me. I guess it's more something I want for myself, to always be able to have her image as being my first. That way, I can look back and always cherish it instead of thinking about some girl that no longer means anything to me. Call me an idealistic fool, but whatever.

Had dinner with my a bunch of people tonight. Parents, aunts and uncles, cousins, and friends of the family. Basically everyone that works for my mom and my aunt. It's their annual Christmas party for the hired help. My cousin Sir Spend A Lot returned from Chicago and we had a lot of fun talking over dinner. He told me he barely sees his girlfriend over there since she's in school, so we're not that different. How sad. Didn't he go over there for her and yet he's still lonely? It's good seeing him again though, especially since he won't be here for Christmas. This will be the first Christmas in awhile where he hasn't been around, and with my other cousin in Texas, two of the closest cousins are gone leaving Christmas feeling a little bit emptier than usual.

I got a holiday card from M and his girlfriend today. Remember that episode of Friends where Ross and Mona send a Christmas card to everyone? For some reason, I was totally reminded of that when I saw it. I've never sent a card before. I wonder if I ever will. I guess it depends who my significant other is eh? So M and his girlfriend are over in New York City right now enjoying a winter wonderland vacation. He told me the itinerary and it sounds pretty awesome! Hope they're having fun. I'm so jealous because I wish I were off on vacation with a certain someone myself.

I had a long talk with him last week before he left about marriage and the whole concept. He brought up a good point which got me thinking. When was the last time you ever heard a woman compliment her husband? I laughed but I have to agree with him in that I never hear a girl say that her husband is so great and so caring, or that marriage is so wonderful. Outside of the honeymoon phase, all I ever hear is nagging. Oh, and the constant complaint that he doesn't work hard enough or make enough ha ha. Whereas guys on the other hand beam about their wondeful spouses, but that's a whole other subject!

I guess the guy is seriously deciding when is the best time for him to pop the question, or if he's even ready for it, since he's feeling the slight heat from his girlfriend. All I could tell him is that when he's ready, he'll know. And he should make sure that he is fully prepared before taking that step and not let any external pressure sway him, because after all, I don't know about him, but I don't believe in divorce, and so marriage is a serious commitment. The biggest one you can make, because it's for life. Anyway, I'm sure he'll know what to do and as long as he gets to that state, then they'll have a bright and happy future together. As for my part, though I may tell him to be cautious, I also wish them nothing but the best and hope it all works out. Since we've known each other, we've both seen the other through serious hardships and heart breaks and it's time for him to leave all that behind and have a happy life. So yeah, NYC is a total romantic possibility. Can't wait to hear what happens when he returns.

I've often thought of how I'd ever propose. All these images of romantic settings and surprise scenarios pop into my mind, but I wonder if I'll ever be lucky enough to actually use them. And I can't even imagine how hard it would be to ask her parents for their permission and then getting the nerve to ask her myself. I'd probably bawl like a baby with tears in my eyes as I got down on one knee, looking into the eyes of the one that I would want to spend the rest of my life with. Silly romantic notions from a naive fool eh?

I love waking up to her beautiful smile gazing back at me. Incredbily breathtaking...

Sunday, December 17, 2006
I miss her. I miss hearing from her and talking to her. Why'd she have to be so beautiful and oh so wonderful at the same time? Sometimes I think it would be so much easier if I didn't find her so attractive and didn't love her personality so much. If she weren't so caring and loving. So charming and so very pleasurable to be with! I swear, in almost every way I can't imagine a better person out there. Sucks doesn't it? That's love after all. How does anyone honestly expect me to ever fall out of love with someone like that?

I think back to our talks and remember how she spoke of how her ex treated her. The pain and grief he brought her then and in many ways still even now. I shake my head frustrated and angry at him. How could guys like that work their way into her heart and yet I can't? Making her cry, upsetting her, and bringing her heartache, things I swore I'd never do, and yet I don't even get the chance to prove myself. What did they do to break through her defenses? The world just isn't fair sometimes, that she would let those that would hurt her in and not someone who thinks the world of her and would treat her heart with the greatest of care.

*Sigh* I remember her telling me she was scared of a new commitment, after her last relationship. How I wish I could have been the one to restore her faith in love, to show her that she was just with the wrong person and that someone out there would do anything to make her happy. I wish I could have told her that. But would she have listened. Would she have believed me? And would it have made any difference at all even?

I don't know. I still get this impression that maybe I scared her off too. There's no way I could have been that wrong about our connection, could I? I'm not that naive am I? If so, I wish she would have been open and honest with me. To tell me her problems and fears so that I could reassure her that none of that matters. I still don't really know why she made the decisions that she did, and I long for some cold night where she might call me up and pour her heart to me. Where we could have a deep and meaningful talk, like we used to. And maybe then I'd understand better. I guess even though I'm in despair and feeling so dejected over what transpired between us, I'm still holding on to the hope that one day she might open up her heart to me and let me in. How I long to hear those simple words, that she likes me too. Even if it's accompanied by so many doubts and fears, it wouldn't matter. All that's important would be that she likes me too, for that would mean one day she might learn to love me as well. To even have her love me back with just a portion of how I feel for her would be beyond my wildest dreams and more than anything I could ever wish for out of life.

I love her so much. And that means loving her for her doubts and fears as well.

They say that there is always hope. That even when you're down and out and all your dreams seem the most bleak, that there's always a shimmer of hope. Is there for me and her? I guess I continue to hold that wish in the deepest recesses of my heart.

Saturday, December 16, 2006

I had breakfast with that very special and dearest person to me this morning. I couldn't really sleep last night as I always get restless before seeing her, and as the sun rose up, I felt pretty anxious. After all this time, and despite the fact that she only sees me as a normal friend, I always look forward to seeing her beautiful smile as the most precious of visions with nervousness and anxiety.

I threw all that I needed to bring into the car and went to meet her at our usual place. I always try to get there early so that she doesn't have to be waiting. As she arrived and got out to greet me, I was completely mesmerized. I see such beauty so rarely that I forget how breathtaking she really is. Even my dreams of her don't live up to the vision standing there before me. Her newly trimmed hair as it lightly spread across her face, her sparkling eyes that bring about the new day, and the warm smile that always makes my heart skip a beat. And then I took a moment to look over her outfit and my breath was immediately taken away. I have never seen her dress in such a manner before. How completely and utterly sexy... I stood there dumbfounded and speechless, not knowing what to say.

It took awhile for my brain to regain it's normal functioning, so in the meantime I gave her my gift that I had prepared for quite some time now. I hope she likes it. I had hoped to give it to her much earlier but this was the only time that she could make for me, so it had to wait. I just realized that I always forget to take a picture of the final wrapped gift for my own keepsakes. Oh well. I also gave her the gift which I got for her to give to her sister. I hope her sister likes it as well and realizes how much her sister loves her and how lucky she is. As we drove over to the restaurant to grab some breakfast, she gave me a copy of the Christmas CD which she created and handed out to her family during Thanksgiving. I was touched that she thought of me at all and so we listened to The Christmas Shoes during our little trek over. She also gave me her picture that she promised and all I can say is wow. Make no doubt, I'll cherish it dearly. It's already my new wallpaper!

It took us a while to order, but in the end she went with her favorite, eggs benedict, and I stuck with french toast. We talked a bit about what's been going on this past week. I told her about Playa and his wedding, and how he's off in Hawaii on his honeymoon. She told me of her ideal romantic getaway to Tahiti and I kept thinking to myself that whoever she ends up with has to be the luckiest guy on the planet.

As we continued talking, I couldn't help but periodically look her over. I hope it wasn't obvious how fixated on her I was, but I couldn't help it. She was so hypnotic in her movements, so appealing in her dress, so sexy and gorgeous, that it I found it extremely difficult to not have my eyes wander. I didn't want her to think that she didn't have my attention though and so I focused on her captivating eyes, her amazingly smooth skin, and her silky hair.

The poor girl was cold and though I offered her my jacket, she reminded me that she doesn't do that kind of thing, which reminded me yet again that I'm just her friend. *sigh* It's so hard to try and treat her normally like I would any other friend when I love her so. I don't think it's even remotely possible, when all I want to do is treat her special since she's obviously so much more than just a friend to me. What am I to do?

Afterwards, she had a little time before she had to leave, and so she accompanied me to Bath and Body to help pick out my stepsisters' gifts. As we were there and she tried on the different lotions for me to choose, I couldn't help imagine how wonderful it would be if we were together. To be able to hold her close, her hands in mine, our fingers intertwined, and smell the subtle scents off her skin. To bring her hands to my face as I gently kiss them and tell her that I love her so. How sensual and romantic that would be.

My daydream came to an end when I realized she had to leave. The time passed by so fast, for it had been less than two hours. When she left, I didn't even get a chance to give her a good bye hug, which is sad considering how long it's been since I've seen her last. I don't know, maybe I've scared her off with all my emotional outpouring?

Well, after months of waiting, I finally got to see her, though only for an instant, and that leaves me yearning for her so much more. I spent the rest of the day longing for her and wondering when it will be when I get to see her next. March perhaps, if then even?

Don't get me wrong, it's the price I gladly pay. And I know how she has other priorities, so I'm grateful that I got the chance to spend even that small time with her. Though she gave me a gift which I'm sure I'll love when I open it in a week, the time spent with her was what I enjoyed the most. The greatest gift of all... her. I think back to this year past. How fast it seemed to pass by, and it was this time last year when I was sitting here waiting to meet her again. My feelings for her have skyrocketed compared to what they were last year. Where will we be next year? Will she have moved on and forgotten about me? And how much more in love with her will I be?

It was almost Christmas time, there I stood in another line,
trying to buy that last gift or two, not really in the Christmas mood.
Standing right in front of me was a little boy waiting anxiously,
pacing round like little boys do and in his hands he held a pair of shoes.

His clothes were worn and old.
He was dirty from head to toe.
And when it came his time to pay,
I couldn't believe what I heard him say.

Sir, I want to buy these shoes for my Mama, please.
It's Christmas Eve and these shoes are just her size.
Could you hurry, Sir? Daddy says there's not much time.
You see, she's been sick for quite a while.
I know these shoes would make her smile,
and I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight.

He counted pennies for what seemed like years.
Then the cashier said, "Son, there's not enough here."
He searched his pockets frantically,
then he turned and he looked at me.
He said Mama made Christmas good at our house
though most years she just did without.
Tell me Sir, what am I going to do?
Somehow I've got to buy her these Christmas shoes.

So I laid the money down, I just had to help him out.
And I'll never forget the look on his face when he said
Mama's gonna look so great.

I knew I'd caught a glimpse of heaven's love
as he thanked me and ran out.
I knew that God had sent that little boy
to remind me what Christmas is all about...

.: The Christmas Shoes :.
~ NewSong ~


Thursday, December 14, 2006
Just got back from lunch with C. I haven't seen him much ever since he left for his new job and it's always good just catching up. We can shoot the breeze about anything. We talked about work and the holidays. Family. He asked me about the wedding and how their relationship is going. And then he asked me about that "girl that I was trying to see" and how that was going. That kind of caught me off guard, and I didn't know how to reply. I told him how unluckily for me, she decided that she didn't want to be with me and left it at that. No details really. Nothing I can do about it, you know? That's how life is, tough sometimes.

I'm sitting here and I can't really concentrate. Sometimes I wish I could just pick up the phone and call her and tell her that I miss her. That I love her and I'm thinking of her. I wish I could leave work for a bit, go buy her a couple of roses and just drop them off and surprise her without her turning me down. Oh well, these will have to do.

I had dinner with Playa and his wife last night. Hmm, weird, she's his wife now and not just his woman any more. I think since we've gotten to know each other, she's warmed up to me quite a bit. But then again, who doesn't like me, I'm adorable =) I'm still not used to seeing him with his ring though, and apparently neither is he used to wearing it. But at least he found it. Symbol of their love indeed eh? Afterwards I showed them the pictures that I took of everyone and we had a good laugh. They're headed off to their Honeymoon in Hawaii this Friday and I'm so happy for them both. I wonder if it will ever be my turn or have I been stung so deeply that I'm destined to live my life alone?

Back to work...

Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Ughh, not having a good day so far. I think I might have something too, my voice is all raspy. I need to go home...
Monday, December 11, 2006

What a hectic weekend. As you can see from all the grinning idiots in the picture above, Saturday was Playa's wedding. I still can't believe that bastard is married hahah! Congratulations Homey! I couldn't be happier for you two and I can't picture you guys with anyone else. You're a perfect match for each other. Like you wrote years ago in my high school yearbook "10 years from now, we'll be living large." Indeed we are! Play on Playa!

Hombre and I had the distinction of being the groomsmen, decked out in baby pink vested tuxes! At least when we were with the bridesmaids, we matched with them, but on our own, we looked pretty silly. Haha, I just realized that after all this time, our secret identities are out and now you can all associate some faces with the names Playa and Hombre.

So Saturday morning started bright and early at Playa's parents' home in Irvine as we prepared the gifts and the procession that would drive down to where the bride was in Garden Grove. Hombre and I laughed and gave Playa a hard time because apparently he's been holding out on us all these years, for he had a lot of cute cousins that he failed to mention. In fact, Hombre spent the entire day hitting on every girl there. But that's another subject all together.

Anyway, we headed on down to the bride's house where the guys lined up to hand over the red trays to the receiving girls. It was there that I got my first glimpse of the bridesmaids, and I'll have to admit that I was wrong about the one that I was matched to. Playa's wife had told me ahead of time that she was cute, but I saw the pictures and wasn't that impressed. Needless to say, the pictures didn't do her justice and in person she is quite cute. And so the rest of the day, Hombre was all jealous and bitter about me being paired with her and he let me hear it!

The ceremony consisted of an actual Buddhist ceremony, which I had never seen before. Even though my family is Buddhist and I've seen many weddings, I've yet to see one like this before, involving the mantras and all. It was quite different from what I'm used to. I shouldn't have been surprised though considering how hard core her family is. The two then paid their respects to her ancestors and exchanged vows, his in English, hers in Vietnamese, and the rings came out. However much I find her ring overly bling bling, I found his to be quite classy and elegant. The most touching part of the ceremony came when Playa thanked his parents. It was only one sentence in English: I just wanted to thank you both for all that you've done because without you, I wouldn't know where I'd be today, and yet he struggled to get through it. Tears came to his eyes as he stuttered and it was the first time I've ever seen any type of emotion out of him besides anger. I was actually very moved, and found her words of gratitude to her parents to be quite lacking in comparison.

I found myself thinking at that moment if I would ever be in the same position. How torn up would I be to my own mom and step dad who raised me up after my father's death? Through all the hard times that I've been through? Would I ever get to stand there and thank them in front of everyone on my own wedding day? That day seems so far off now, if not an impossible dream.

After some mild refreshments, the entire group headed back to the groom's side to perform that part of the ceremony and pay respects to his side. It was quite funny watching him as he performed all the ceremonious maneuvers. It was obvious that he didn't know what to do and was watching her for all the cues. At first, I thought I was the only one to notice, but as I was taking pictures, I noticed that Hombre, Playa's younger cousins, and all the bridesmaids were all laughing as well. All went well though and shortly thereafter we all ate lunch there.

Talking with Playa's sister, I told her it was amazing how similar he and his older brother are. I've never met him before. She told me that they're very alike becuase Playa really looks up to his older brother and tries to be like him in every way. Even down to the simple prideful act that he would never admit it. Definitely sounds like Playa!

It was cool getting to know everyone visiting from Indiana too. I'm so used to hanging out with my own small close group through these years that meeting new people was a breath of fresh air. As everyone disbanded to go home and get rest, Hombre and I had to go to the Cultural Center to help set up for the dinner reception at night.

The Cultural Center was pretty nice. Quite large with a spacious dance floor in the middle of the room. When I arrived, I saw the room adorned in white sheets and pink ribbons. There were no flowers but I've come to accept that such symbolic things didn't matter to them. After helping set everything up, guests started arriving. What is with Vietnamese guests and showing up at weddings late? If the invitation says 5, why do you bother coming at 6:45? Just one of my pet peeves, but whatever.

When everyone was seated, they announced the flower girl, then individually the three pairs of bridesmaids and groomsmen, and then the happy couple themselves. It's the first time I've ever been a groomsmen and it's quite weird being on display like that. Walking across the banquet room, sitting at the head table, all those eyes on you, it definitely puts you on edge a bit.

After the bride and groom cut their cake, Playa's brother gave a little speech as the default best man and then the two danced their first song together to 98 Degree's I Do (Cherish You). It was so sweet, they had gone to dance classes and so had this entire sequence choreographed out. This was followed by a dance of the three head couples to Lifehouse's You and Me. It's weird, you would think being up there in front of all those people would make a person nervous, but I didn't notice at all and was actually quite at ease. It's kind of sad when I think about it though, for those two songs were some of the songs that I would have wanted to dance to at my own wedding. I've even dreamt of what it would be like to be looking into her eyes as we're dancing to You and Me, the words I can't keep my eyes off of you echoing in my ears. *sigh* Dreams that I've lost.

The night concluded with dancing as the crowd got onto the dance floor. Afterwards, there was a planned party at Playa's brother's house. I swear I've never been that buzzed in my life and in fact this was the first time that I ever decided I shouldn't drive home. Playa's brother actually passed out and for a while, we were quite worried about him. But it was all good. The party was fun, a last hooray for our group of bachelors as one by one they all get married. Hombre was so wasted that I had to forcibly take his keys away from him and called his sister to come pick him up. He and Playa are hilarious when they're drunk. Talk about lowered inhibitions, they said stuff that they don't even remember saying. Hombre hit on every girl there, and even when we got back to my place, he hit on my younger cousin! Haha, he'll deny it of course, but as Playa's unofficial photographer for the day, I have the proof. Man, looking at my files, I must have taken over 300 shots. Anyway, by the time Hombre got picked up and I got cleaned up, it was almost 3 and so I jumped into bed. I'll have to admit that I had lots of fun throughout the day, more so than I've had in a while. Definitely in the past few months, and I'm glad that I could be there to celebrate with my friend on his big day.

I was woken up Sunday morning in the most pleasant way possible, which always brings a smile to my face. After a short conversation, I headed to Long Beach to meet up with Hombre, Sr, and Jr for lunch. Hombre was feeling better but I still had to ridicule him for the way he acted the night prior. Anyway, it was good seeing Jr & Sr again, for I haven't seen them in quite a while and with the holidays coming up and everyone's hectic schedules, I doubt we would have had another opportunity to hang out.

The rest of the day was spent getting my Christmas tree and all the ornaments. I spent way more than I had anticipated, but I'm pretty happy with the results. Playa's wife called my up at night asking me to go out clubbing with her, the bridesmaids, and the rest of her friends. I politely declined. After all, I had to work today, and despite this image of me not doing anything at work, I actually was quite busy.

I was put to sleep even more pleasantly than how I was woken up. I thought about her a lot over the weekend. I remember I had asked her to join me at Playa's wedding, to which she declined. It was probably better that way anyway though because she would have had to split up just like the significant others of the bridesmaids and I would have felt bad for her sitting alone. Actually, chances are I would have gotten up and joined her at her table, which would have made me feel guilty towards Playa. Oh well, it never happened, so no sense in dwelling on it.

Every girl dreams of being loved unconditionally. Of having a guy love them for who they are and nothing more, to love them totally and honestly. That's all a girl wants. I used to believe this. Now when I hear such things, it hits me with a sharp stinging in my heart as I realize that this isn't true. Unconditional love isn't enough. I've been naive to think so and to believe it when told to me. This statement is incomplete. I can love with all my heart and I can do everything in my power to make her happy. To let her know that I just want to be with her. I like to think that my love for her has been close to unconditional, putting her happiness above my very own, and letting her go if that meant she believed she'd be happier. And yet nothing I can say or do would ever change how she'd feel towards me. To change how she looks at me, from a safe brother figure to a significant other. And so that statement is wrong. There's always something else, something more than just being loved unconditionally.
Thursday, December 7, 2006
I think I'm coming down with something. I woke up with a slight runny nose and the back of my throat has been tingling all day. And I must have sneezed more times today than I have in months. See, the thing is, I get sick so rarely that when I do actually come down with something, it ends up being quite strong. Hopefully it's just a small weakness from the recent cold and winds and driving too much with the top down. Let's see how I am tomorrow morning when I wake up and pray that it won't make me miserable for the weekend.

Did anyone see tonight's Smallville? How dumb is Lana? I don't know, maybe it's because we as the audience can see Lex for who he truly is compared to her who's always being lied to, but still. I mean is she falling for him because of his power and his wealth? Because honestly no one can be that naive. Sad, another instance of the girl not knowing what's good for her and ending up with the totally wrong guy, especially when there's the nice one who's always there for her. Wrong priorities people!

My friend's girlfriend managed to snag me on IM the other night and she started talking to me about her long term plans. Part of me got this uneasy notion that she was telling me all these things just so that I would relay them to him, but it turns out he already knows her stance. It's strange. I never understood the need for deadlines and pressuring. Does she really think that causing such a drastic change in her life would compel him to act faster? The sad thing is, I remember that he was already in that ready position and it was in reality her actions that brought him back down to Earth a bit. Anyway, I just think it's a bad idea. Love should be free to develop on it's own course, not along some set time table.

I was reminded about the deadline that was presented to me a few months ago. How might things have proceeded differently if that wasn't there? If she had just not worried about the future so much and let things develop between us? After all, love is like a flower that needs precious time to bloom and sometimes to nurture it you just have to let it be instead of constantly tending to it. I don't know if she would have ever developed strong feelings towards me, but I do know that in cutting it off at that point and preventing us from getting to know each other better, she guaranteed that those feelings would never develop. That love would never blossom. And I guess that's what saddens me the most. That she didn't want to take the chance on me. But hey, at least I can look back and not regret. I gave it my all and that's all anyone can really ask for, right?

I sit here now thinking back on all she told me and I'm still stung by her words. I mean how are you supposed to react when the girl you love tells you she totally likes someone else? That she was willing to risk it with him instead? I wonder why I felt the need to tell her that I loved her at that point. I try to imagine it if it were me and some friend of mine told me that she loved me. It must have seemed pretty funny to her because that's how I would take it if for instance all of a sudden Jap Girl came up to me and told me that she loved me. I guess I'd find it hard to believe too. Oh well, it was futile because I don't think she ever believed me either anyway.

I had dinner with Hombre and Lord Laomedon tonight. It's ironic that every time I go that sushi place without much of an appetite, I eat quite a lot, and yet when I go there famished, I end up barely eating. Hombre told me about meeting up with Tw from our high school for dinner last night. Wow, I can't believe how fast time flies. I remember I used to have the *biggest* crush on her all through my senior year. She totally broke my heart though, and I think looking back now, that was the first time I was ever truly hurt by a girl. The first cut is the deepest after all.

We laughed at this one incident where Hombre totally CB'd me too. He swears he didn't think anything off it at the time, but even Lord Laomedon had to say that wasn't cool. High school was an amazing time wasn't it? As we talked more, we reminisced of all the friends we used to know and all the girls we used to like too of course. How people have changed and how they've stayed the same. Ah, memories. I think back on my high school crushes and I can't help but smile at some of my choices. Luckily, I don't get the sense of "what was I thinking" like I did with my first girlfriend!

Speaking of crushes, how many does the average person have? Up until graduation, I had four major ones that come to mind. Sorenson, Videoland Girl, Tw, and The Dragon Lady, before I came to call her as Sr. That's not that many at all is it? And I have only been in love twice all my life. Hmm, maybe there is something to me being picky after all.

I have a headache. Time for bed...

Wednesday, December 6, 2006
I haven't had the urge to write lately. Maybe it's writer's block or something, but I sit here now with nothing really to comment on. That's not to say that things haven't been going on in my life. Quite the contrary, I've been pretty busy, and I'm constantly finding myself short on time to do all that needs to be done. Work has been strenuous, stretching me pretty thin. It's not that it's hard, more like there's only so much of me to go around that I find myself unable to satisfy everyone's needs. I haven't even had time to play Wii and Zelda all week.

Did anyone read about the Kim family and the tragedy up in the Oregon mountains? I've been following the story since Thanksgiving on Engadget. Though they managed to rescue the rest of the family, sadly the father was found deceased today in the wilderness. Obviously my heart goes out to the family. As we were sitting there at lunch today, V and I were discussing what would I have done in the same situation. Probably the same thing. To stay with your family in that case would spell certain doom for all of them, and so I'd think I'd make the same sacrifice as well and go look for help, even if it meant certain death on my part.

Had dinner with M tonight at BC. It'll be the last Wednesday night dinner for a while since the holidays are approaching and he'll be gone with family and loved ones. Man that place is crowded. Ran into the Two Ju's there and one of them has affectionately started calling me Crab Guy. During dinner, these carolers came into the restaurant and started playing christmas carols on their guitar. I thought that was pretty festive.

Playa's wedding is this Saturday. I got my tux today and tried it on to ensure a proper fit and all. Nice color choice by the way ha ha. I swear, sometimes I don't get those two. There's certain things that they're doing with regards to this wedding that I just don't understand. Certain areas where they're skimping or haven't thought of. I don't know, maybe it's just me, but my wedding would be such an important event in my life that I wouldn't leave anything unsettled or until the last minute like this. And I understand the need to save and all, but there will only be one wedding in your life, isn't it ok to be a little luxurious? Especially on the "symbol of their love". Oh well, it's not my place to say. So long as they're both happy, that's all I care about. I had thought about bringing a camera, but being a groomsman and all, how am I to find the time to take pictures?

Got my SC shirts today. As Borat would say, very niiiiiice. My sister's gonna get a huge kick out of these. Also did another wave of Christmas shopping online. I still need some ideas for my stepsisters, but other than that, I think I'm nearing completion this year which is good. Still no Wii remote though despite my efforts.

Mom asked me what I want for Christmas this year. Told her the usual. Nothing. Well, I guess there is one thing, but she can't give that to me, only one person can. Speaking of which, I miss those morning talks with her. Being woken up by the sweetest sound imaginable before the sun's even risen. Then again, I miss those late night talks when she's half asleep too.

I'm feeling a little weak, so good night people.


Sunday, December 3, 2006

I know that every morning you wake and think I'll be there.
No matter how my heart aches, I'll pretend just to show you I care.
But time doesn't make this all right.
Why do these feelings keep coming back in my mind?

Don't know why I even try to make you feel all right,
always looking out to see that you would be okay.
Don't know why I even try so hard to make things good for you.
Would you finally notice me, if I disappear?

~ If I Disappear ~
.: Puriti :.

Why do we do the things that we do, to do all that we can to ensure another's happiness, above even our very own? What is it about love that drives us in that way? However much I struggle to contain my feelings verbally, I'm even more unable to contain them through my actions. Actions that are so easy that I don't even twice about them. Actions that may seem like sacrifices to others but in actuality, I do with great joy. Actions which I hope speak louder than words.

Why do I still do the things that I do? It's simple. To make her happy. To show her with every chance that I get, the love and devotion that she's so deserved and yet hasn't received from another guy. To make her feel loved and to care for her with all my heart. My most selfish reason of all - because I still can. I do all that I do now because one day, I won't have the opportunity any more, and the joy that I get from making her smile will be forever lost.

We're friends. How could such a simple and wonderful phrase cut so deeply at the same time?
Friday, December 1, 2006