Today was the last day for the nurse that I work with. It's ridiculous how everyone threw her a "retirement" party when in actuality, it's really a layoff. Call it what it is, people. I mean there they were, the big wigs of the center, celebrating with everyone else. Isn't it a little weird to be doing that? I guess being laid off isn't the same as being fired and circumstances are tough, but it must make her feel a little awkward though, doesn't it?

About two hours prior to the big get together, I get a call from the director asking for my help in creating a commemorative retirement picture, framed with some nice words. I am the artistic one I guess, but a little more time would have been appreciated. Not that I didn't get it done, and a fine job it turned out too considering the late notice, but given even a day in advance, I could have made it so much better. I was happy and touched that, when she opened it in front of everyone and read the words aloud, tears were in her eyes. I'm not sure if word got to her that I designed and basically created it, but I don't need the credit. Just making her last day memorable like that makes me feel good inside. I also got her flowers and a card too and I wish her the best in the future.

I can think of so many times in my life where I've done things anonymously. Like the whole Sr. and Jeff Pack birthday incident. I don't know why but I never need the credit, and I think that comes across as weird to people. (Except for work of course, but that's totally different). I don't know, maybe it's just me. I get enough satisfaction from seeing smiles in return, and that's all I usually need. You see, altruism isn't dead. It just goes hand in hand with naivety!

On an aside, have I ever ranted about how I hate it when doctors belittle and yell at nurses? I mean come on, nurses aren't doctors' personal secretaries and for sure they aren't their slaves! I swear, I get so irritated and annoyed when I hear or see that. Yet another reason I dislike so many doctors. Stupid god complexes.

Darn it, nothing that I've ordered online has arrived yet. It sucks coming home, expecting a nice package waiting for you, only to not have it there. I need my USC shirt for the big game on Saturday, where the heck is it?! And where's my Superman DVDs?! Anyway, keep your fingers crossed people, cause morning games don't seem to go well with SC. Last time they played during the day, it was Oregon State and that ridiculous loss!

Tomorrow's December, yeah! Outside of February, probably my favorite month of the year. I really need to go to Disneyland and partake in the holiday festivities. *sigh* If only there were a certain someone by my side to enjoy it with. I miss her. I wish I could just call her up to hear her voice. To say to her hi beautiful... just wanted to wish you a good night.

A professional photographer came by today to take some portraits of the latest rehab robot that we developed. I talked to him a bit about the gear he was sporting. I'm a hobby photographer and was looking to one day upgrade my current digital SLR to something more prosumer, preferably with full frame, so I took the chance to probe his mind on some of the latest equipment out there as well as some photo taking tips. He was using the Canon EOS 1Ds Mark II, an eight thousand dollar beauty, in addition to a plethora of L lenses that totaled well over fifty thousand dollars. Talk about intense! He said that was only the tip of what he usually has to travel with. Turns out, he used to work for Sports Illustrated for like eighteen years, and many of the well known covers that we've seen have been photographed by him. He told me how nice a living it was, very rewarding monetary wise. But at the busiest point in his life, he was traveling for up to 320 days out of the year. Man, money's great and all, but to be away from your loving family for that long is just not worth it. It was pretty cool to see it all in action though. Maybe one day when I'm older, I can get into some serious photography and explore the art more. Man, so much I want to do in my life to expand my horizons, so little time!

Met up with M tonight before dinner. Turns out his girlfriend's birthday is tomorrow and over the past few weeks, he's been planning a nice little getaway as well as putting together a nice little care package. Happy Birthday N, hope you enjoy all he has planned! I have to admit, I'm very jealous. I wish I had the opportunity to plan out a special day for that special someone in my life that I love so much. To try and pamper her and make her feel like a princess. One day wouldn't be enough. I have all these ideas and scenarios, places to go, things to see. Experiences that I would have loved to share with her. But alas, I'll never get that chance and that hurts me deeply.

It's strange isn't it? I'd get nothing out of it except seeing her smile, and yet to me, that's the most gratifying thing I can think of. That's what loving someone is all about though.

We met up with the gang for dinner at BC. That place is so cool. Besides the kick ass food, the atmosphere is laid back and so fun. The waiters and waitresses are beginning to know me. And adorning the walls are the graffiti marks of all the previous patrons, messages strewn about that mean nothing to those reading them but are so significant for those that wrote them. Have I ever written anything? Of course. In fact, it's my goal to repeatedly write it at different tables so that eventually no matter what table a person's at, they'll see my little message!

As I talked to Playa's woman, she filled me in on what help they'll need for the wedding next week. I seriously hope they're kidding when they say they want me to sing! The whole time there as well as at my house afterwards, I was helping them come up with some good wedding songs. They needed a first song that they could dance alone to, a song that the groomsmen and bridesmaids could dance to, and songs where they could dance with their parents to. I let them browse my mp3 collection at home and on my Ipod. Many of the songs I suggested have long been songs that have reminded me of her, and that I had always dreamed would be ours one day.

• Truly Madly Deeply
• I Wanna Be With You
• Lady In Red
• Still
• Butterfly Kisses
• If You're Not The One
• Every Time We Touch
• Dreaming Of You
• Imagine Me Without You
• You and Me
• If I Never Knew You

Thinking of such things always brings me down, but I guess some things just aren't meant to be, no matter how hard I've wished. At least I can rest in the knowledge that she'll be happier this way, which is a huge consolation to me.

I woke up feeling entirely nauseous and sick this morning. I've never had a hangover, but I imagine it might be something like that. But then again though, I didn't have a headache. I sleep with the window open, so maybe I caught a draft during the night? Who knows. What's worse is that I was so hungry that I stopped off and got some breakfast and OJ, which is pretty abnormal for me, but then I could barely stomach it and had trouble swallowing. I'm a tough guy though, and by the afternoon, I was feeling better. Or maybe it was the vente javachip frappuccino with four pumps of peppermint, no whip that I had during the day. That always makes me feel better for some reason.

Is it me or did I spend a lot today? Curse the Internet and it's ease of Christmas shopping. Actually, it's my own fault. It seems like I bought more for myself than I did for others hahaha! Guess all that talk about me not really wanting anything was a crock, eh? Nah. I guess I should just rephrase, I want nothing from others. But yeah, I'm probably still in my depressed spending mood, so browsing online wasn't the best thing. Good news though, I found several USC shirts to replace the one I lost, including the cool white roll out polo that I see during the games. My sister's gonna be so peeved! =)

So it's raining out here in Southern California, which I actually like. The sound of raindrops trickling down seems to relax me a bit, as if it were washing my very soul. I don't know why really. But I'll be honest in that the rain always gets my spirits down. Combine the soothing raindrops with the right song and it always gets me thinking about a certain someone more often than I usually do, which is quite miraculous considering how often I already think of her.

Tell me, how can I let go of a love that I never even had? And yet a love so strong that I have no desire of letting it go? A love that will stay with me to the end of my days...

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you,
now that I've been loving you so long?
How am I supposed to live without you,
and how am I supposed to carry on,
when all that I've been living for... is gone?

~ How Am I Supposed To Live Without You ~
.: Michael Bolton :.

Yeah, what a game! I'll admit that I didn't have confidence in SC's ability to beat the same Notre Dame squad from last year without all their stars, but the defense played spectacular today and Jarrett is da man! Booty still hasn't earned my respect quite yet, especially after how he collapsed and lost his confidence after that blocked punt, but at least he led them to a win. One more important game next week against UCLA, don't let me down boys.

So what's that hand gesture that all the fans are doing during the fight song? It looks like a gesticulating peace sign to me. Hmm, if I remember, I have to ask a certain someone what that means. Also, where the heck can I get those white polo shirts that Pete Carroll and the rest of the coaching staff wears? Those look so cool, but I've yet to see them available for purchase anywhere.

I finished putting up the Christmas lights on my house, which pretty much signals the beginning of the holiday season for me. It's funny, for some people, it's the Thanksgiving feast, for others it's the holiday shopping. But for me, it'll always be the lighting and decorations that utter in the season for me. I still need to figure out if I want to get a tree or not this year. I hesitate because no one's really home to enjoy it. We'll see.

I've been told a lot lately that guys stop being considerate after they get the girl. How lame is that? I blame the girls and their inability to separate the loving and caring ones from the ones who are just out to get girls for the challenge. Or punishing and not respecting the ones that are, a la my comments in yesterday's post. They make the choices and decisions to be with those guys, so don't go judging us by our worst examples. What's sad is that I've been called the same thing, that I enjoy the chase. How ironic is that, considering I've also been labeled as too caring and too loving?

Besides, it works both ways too, no? Girls stop caring too I bet. And also, why do girls pretend to be flexible and understanding of their guy, only to tighten the noose once the guy is theirs? I just laugh at Playa's situation. His leash has already been tightened considerably, to the point where his fiance gets mad because he's out having dinner with the guys. Where was that tight control before?

On the way home tonight, my cousins were in my car and one of them mentioned how they never got into Vietnamese music. He then asked what started me, and I replied "a really cute Vietnamese Girl." She really is cute. And pretty. And sexy. And hot. And oh so beautiful. And that's just on the outside! *sigh* She's going to make some guy so very lucky one day.

Well my vacation is officially over. It was so nice to get that week off, and yet I don't feel like I got the chance to recuperate that much. What did I do? I'm not sure really. Spent it with friends and family mostly. Catching up with old friends. It seems like everyday I was meeting a person I haven't seen in awhile or hanging out with someone else. I don't even think I got to sleep in all that much either, which is pretty funny. Oh well, it's all good.

Let me see if I could at least recap my weekend. Lord Laomedon, Playa, and I saw Casino Royale Friday night. I must say that my initial feelings towards this new Bond was the same as my initial regards for the new Batman. That is to say, from the trailers, I didn't think I would like it very much. But much like Batman, I was wrong. My impressions of Bond has always been of a smooth dashing debonair womanizer that would solve problems with spy gadgets and cockiness rather than outright brutality and physical prowess, and so when I saw how rugged this new Bond was turning out to be, I didn't have high hopes. But in the end, the movie was pretty good and the change was actually refreshing. Plus, since it's an origin story, you can see how a lot of what happens helps shapes him into the Bond that we're used to. The movie was a bit long though, and I felt that if they had cut out about twenty minutes or so, it might have been better.

It turns out that Lord Laomedon's girlfriend broke up with him last week and so the poor guy was feeling pretty down. She said she wasn't ready for a relationship. Pity. I tried cheering him up the best I could, but as we all know, guys all deal with this situation quite differently. Then again, I don't think I'm the best guy to be giving out advice. I joked to him that he should look on the bright side, for it could be worse. He could be like me and be completely heartbroken and hopelessly head over heels in love with a friend for years now with no chance of that becoming anything more.

On Saturday, M and I went to dim sum. Later in the afternoon, we met up with my cousins at my house to watch the USC-Cal game. Yeah baby! I can't say I was too impressed with Booty again, and I found myself repeatedly screaming at the TV. But the defense played great. At the end when they kept showing the Song Girls with the roses wrapped around them, indicating a trip to the Rose Bowl at least, all I could do was smile and say "yum." Quite hilarious really, me rooting for a school I never even went to. I swear, I need to go to their games one of these days. And if I ever find my shirt!!! Next week is going to be major tough though. I mean this is the same Notre Dame squad that took Leinart, Bush, and White to the distance last year. I swear that game nearly gave me a heart attack! So how are they supposed to compare this year? Keep your fingers crossed people, BCS is on the line here. If I talk to anyone after next Saturday and I'm all hoarse, you'll know it's because I screamed silly.

Sunday was the release date for the Wii. My cousins and I are pretty avid fans of The Legend of Zelda, so playing the new game was an absolute must. We drove out to the stores at around 10 the night prior and saw that lines were already pretty long. It wasn't worth camping out, so dejected, we decided to go home and risk coming out at around 5 in the morning.

So we get to Target at 5, which according to my internet research, my local store was expecting 210 units. We did a head count and saw that it was pretty close but we figured what the heck, we're up and it's only a few hours, so why not. So wanna hear a sad story? 7am rolls by and they start passing out the tickets and you know where the last ticket was given? About five guys before me!! What the heck, talk about bad luck. So yeah, I left and went home empty handed.

Just kidding! =) My cousins and I each managed to snag a copy, and we were pretty lucky. We estimate that had we arrived half an hour later, we would have been out of luck. You know with all the bad publicity around the release of the PS3, with the riots, fights, and muggings, let me share a nice scene with you all. There they were, handing out numbered tickets and when all were gone, the people without tickets had to leave. We all saw this mom leave with her daughter and the poor girl looked so sad. All of a sudden, this guy runs out from the middle of the line to chase them down. When they turn around, he hands over his ticket! The whole line just applauded and gave a big "awww" as the little girl gave him a hug. See, who says chivalry is dead.

No, I haven't played all that much yet, because the rest of my Sunday was spent at my parent's house. There was another Dam Gio on my step dad's side this time. I met this korean guy who's renting out a room at my parent's and talked with him a bit. He just came over and has only been in the country for ten days. He's so polite and proper that it's scary. But I could tell that he was lonely and missed home. I asked how things were over here and he told me in his limited English that my parents have been very good and kind to him, making him feel welcome. That's good. I know he's bored so I think I'll bring some of my old game systems that I don't play any more like my Dreamcast down there since he says he really likes games. When I think of the courage and determination it takes to leave home and go to another country, it just amazes me. Would I be able to do it if I had to?

My friend's girlfriend doesn't like video games and doesn't want their children to play them. I don't agree. First off, I think video games spur logical thinking and hand eye coordination. Studies have shown that surgeons that played video games are actually better than those that don't. They also boost creativity and appreciation of the arts, much like watching a good movie or reading a good book does. In many ways, it's better than movies since it's so interactive. And many times, you fall in love with the characters that you're controlling, especially in RPG's, much like you would a character in a long novel. I mean have I never mentioned the Aerith/MCAT Girl Final Fantasy VII story? Secondly, it brings people together. I've been to game parties where there's a bunch of people just enjoying each other's company and spending time with each other. Once the games ended, they rarely hung out together anymore. And finally, to all the naysayers out there that say games are a bad influence or they prevent kids from going outside, I say do your dang job as a parent and enforce things. Police what games they play and limit their hours. But I don't believe in depriving them like that, especially since they're bound to play it at their friends' houses and get their own systems when they get older. Plus, as a dad, I'd be playing too, and what kind of example would I set for my son or daughter if I didn't let them spend quality time with their dad? =)

So I went back into work today. Talk about busy, my whole morning was just sorting through e-mail. Some things there really bug me too, but whatever. Like a special person reminded me this morning, keep things in perspective. At least I have a job to return to.

During my break, I managed to finish the latest Nicholas Sparks book, Dear John. I don't want to give anything away to anyone who hasn't read it, so if you don't want to be spoiled, skip the rest of this entry.

It's been a while since I've read a good book and so I was really looking forward to reading his latest work. As I worked my way through the story, I was struck by several things. First of all, the main thing that hit me was that I found how quickly they fell in love and professed it to each other to be somewhat unbelievable. Now I know that the manner in which this happened isn't much different than his other stories, but for some reason, it didn't feel natural to me this time. When Noah fell in love with Allie, or when Landon fell for Jamie, that I felt coming. I don't know if it's just a different story, or I've come to expect too much from Sparks, or if it's because I've lost some of that ideal romanticism in my own life, but that situation just seems so implausible to me now. Maybe I'm just bitter and resentful with the world, who knows. So fine, he fell for her over a weekend. I didn't feel it myself but I accepted it for the time being so that by the end in his final act of love, I thought to myself that ok, he does love her. Still, not quite the same tear jerker I was hoping for.

The other thing that repeatedly stabbed at my mind was that I didn't know who I felt myself identifying closer with. Was it John, the main character who loved her so much that in the end, he gave up all he had so that she could be happy? How many times have I thought to myself that if I had three wishes, one of them would be to ensure MCAT Girl's happiness? How many times had I wanted to send flowers with no name to her, to dedicate a song or tribute to her, all without her even knowing? And on all those occasions where she called me, hurt and crying over her boyfriend at the time, did I try and think of all the ways that I could alleviate that pain from her, even if it meant bringing them closer together?

At the same time though, how very close was I to Tim? The long time friend who longingly loved her without her noticing? The one that stood by her side as she smiled at the new guys entering her life? The one who was always there for her when she needed him, no matter what, and never thought of himself but of only her own happiness, even to what he thought was his end? The one who would step aside if it meant standing in the way of her true love?

I think more than anything else, both men possessed qualities that I like to think that I have towards MCAT Girl as well. I hope I embody the good aspects of them both. It's said that love hurts not because it ends, but because it continues, even when it is lost. It hurts, but I need to see her happy.

So all in all, I liked the book, though I don't consider it one of his best. Nor did it bring a tear to my eye, though I must admit that maybe I've lost my faith in love and such romantic notions may no longer seem possible to me. I guess I'd compare it similarly to his other book, Nights In Rodanthe.

I was talking to M tonight and it turns out that one of his girl friends recently graduated and dumped her boyfriend because she considered herself too good for him now. What's up with that? I've heard too many cases lately of girls breaking up with guys because of lack of ambition. I'm sure there's more to it that I don't know about, but isn't it better to leave someone because there isn't any spark, any emotional connection, any love? That I can understand, but to leave someone because of their lack of success seems a tad trivial. But then again, that's how the world works I guess. Guys marry for looks, girls marry for security. Sad.

You know what else I noticed? Girls will sit there and let a wonderful guy walk out of their life because they can't admit that they were wrong. If a guy were to break up with a girl and regret it, he'd do all he could to try and get her back. And yet if a girl were to pass up on a guy and later regret her decision, she wouldn't make the effort to rectify that. She'd just let him disappear. Again, sad.

It's better to lose your pride to the one you love than lose the one you love to pride.

What an exasperating weekend. My uncle is moving and he enlisted the help of my other uncle, me, and some of my cousins to help him with everything. We all thought this would be the typical show up and move heavy objects endeavor that would last a day, nothing out of the ordinary that we're used to. However when we showed up, to quote my cousin Big Dogg, "I almost cried!" The house was completely untouched! Nothing was packed in the slightest. Keep in mind this is my uncle with the big ass house out in Temecula where my extended family would always spend our Christmas. I'm not sure if I ever posted pictures before, but I think there was like 7 bedrooms, a home theater, an office, living room, family room, kitchen, yard, and a monster of a garage. Oh, and a large BBQ island.

So yup, that was the extent of what I did this weekend, breaking my back and climbing those stairs for what seemed like a thousand times. Loaded up on energy drinks and caffeine. After getting the majority of the heavy furniture loaded on Saturday, I returned Sunday to continue with the boxing and bagging of everything else. That continued into the twilight hours of the morning, and with the long drive home, I didn't get home until 4:30AM. Needless to say, I was completely exhausted at work today and could barely keep my eyes open as I was writing some code. The sad thing is that some of my cousins are still up there at this very moment since everything has to be out by tomorrow morning. I was supposed to drive up and help finish, but by the time I'd get there with the traffic, it would be pretty futile. I considered taking today off to help them finish but with my upcoming vacation next week, this just wasn't a good time. Oh well, when talking to Big Dogg a few minutes ago, it seems like everything is set. Unbelievable eh?

Ah well, that's what family is for. I must say that my cousins span such a wide range of characteristics. There's some that although they show up, tire pretty easily and then end up watching football or surfing the web. Then on the other extreme there's some of my other cousins that always are willing to lend a helping hand and make me feel so guilty for not being as considerate. A couple of them worked for 40 hours straight, no sleep. I swear, people may think I'm the nice dependable one in the family, but I feel ashamed when compared to them.

It's funny, late last night, I think my uncle started freaking out or had a mental breakdown or something because he was totally out of it. We'd all be downstairs boxing and lifting, and all of a sudden we'd hear the vacuum upstairs in a room that was already empty. Then I'd see him walk around and inspect the weirdest things, from the chain on the car to some piping. We laughed because with such high priority things to be accomplished, he must have lost it. I think at one point, he was just crashed asleep on the couch. Haha.

I came across a pile of albums in the garage and in one stack, I saw the funeral pictures of my grandfather. This is one of the earliest memories I have of being together with my extended family, if not the earliest. We were living in Chicago at the time and so we flew back out here to California. I flipped through the pictures, remembering back to all the raw emotion at that time, and I saw all the younger reflections of my aunts and uncles. I kept looking to see if I could find my dad, but the more I looked, the more it became clear that he wasn't in any of the pictures, which I thought was kind of strange. All my family was there, every single one of my aunts and uncles, my cousins, including a very young me and young Sir Spend-A-Lot, and yet there wasn't even a trace of him. And then it dawned on me. He was taking the pictures.

As I stood there in the empty master bedroom looking into two vast walk in closets, my mind immediately jumped to MCAT Girl. Besides the obvious allusion that conjured her image at that moment, I thought of what it would have been like if my dream had come true, had she and I had gotten together. That could have been our future I was standing in front of. Our home. And that could have my family there helping us start our new lives. I got goosebumps thinking how nervous I'd be.

Wow, has it been only a month since you told me of your decision? And yet it seems much longer, like I've died many lifetimes since then. But then I guess that's what losing your dreams feels like doesn't it? I keep reminding myself every day that you just see me as a friend. I keep telling myself this simple fact over and over so that when the inevitable time comes when you do end up with someone else, I can be happy for you.

I remember when I used to talk to you, and you'd comment on how so far off your future seemed, how unsure you were if you'd ever be with anyone. I used to think that was all silly talk, that here I was just waiting for your signal, giving you all the time you needed. That I'd be there ready and willing to embark down that journey of getting to know each other better the moment you were ready. But now I tell myself that you weren't referring to me in that instance. In fact you never even thought of me in that way, and the pain still hurts so much every time I'm faced with that realization. But as they say, acceptance is the path to a healed heart, and so I must accept what we are. Accept that you repeatedly turned me down because you never saw me that way. And accept the sad truth that we'll never be anything more despite my best intentions.

I was talking to my friend and somehow we came across the subject of never forgetting your first loves. It's true. I will always remember my ex as my first love, I have no doubt about that. But I also have no doubt that for the rest of my life, I will always love you, for though you're not my first love, you are the love of my life. A person that has become so embodied into my own spirit that I can't even picture how differently my life would have been without you. Without knowing it, you've played a significant role in shaping me into the man I am today, and you'll always be a special part of me.

As long as stars shine down from heaven,
and the rivers run into the sea.
Till the end of time forever,
you're the only love I'll need.
In my life you're all that matters,
in my eyes the only truth I see.
When my hopes and dreams have shattered,
you're the one that's there for me...

~ Imagine Me Without You ~
.: Jaci Velasquez :.