I took today off to decompress after my weekend out of town. Let me recap a bit.

Hombre and G came to pick me up Saturday morning at around 10. No one wanted to leave earlier despite the fact that we would be arriving in Las Vegas well after lunch. We then headed over to Playa's to pick him up. The funniest thing about that guy: whereas we all had a small bag with just one change of outfit since we were only staying one night, he had one of those small rolling luggage bags. And then to top it off, half way there, he realized that he didn't bring a toothbrush. We laughed, wondering out loud what the heck was in his luggage to begin with. And to think, the guy is a dentist. How can he forget his toothbrush?

So we began the long trek to Vegas. Throughout the trip, the ones not driving raced each other at Mario Kart on our Nintendo DS's. Typical guy stuff eh? It was fun, although the results were typical. I'd win. Playa would be last. And the other player would come in second. I swear, I need better challenge. M, if you ever read this, I'm talking to you! How could you not be on that trip with us boi??? I still begrudge your woman for tethering you like that =P

Half way there, we decided that everyone was pretty hungry and since we were planning on eating a buffet that night, we all agreed to just pull into a restaurant along the way and grab some light grub. We ended up going into Mad Greek and getting their gyros. Little did we know that those things were huge and we ended up fairly stuffed as it was. After being fully satiated, we all got back in the car and it was that point that I zonked out.

When I woke up, I could see the Vegas strip in the far off distance. Playa had wanted to stay at some place nice for this trip and so I booked us a nice $500 room at the Bellagio. I must admit that it's been a really long time since I've stayed in a nice hotel and it sure was pretty exquisite. The service was friendly and I could totally see myself enjoying the finer things in life on an everyday basis like that. I thought about you and how such things are normalities for you. Must be pretty nice.

Being almost 2, we decided to hit the casinos a bit before we had to eat dinner and get ready for our late night show. We headed over to Rio where we planned on eating the seafood buffet. I heard good things about it and G was anxiously awaiting it since enjoying it so much on his last trip. After gambling a bit where everyone ended up either even or profiting, we proceeded to enter the buffet and eat our brains out. Talk about a lot of food! There was lobster, king crabs, alaskan crabs, oysters, clams, shrimp, fish, you name it. I must have decimated an entire colony of lobster by myself. There goes the past three weeks of starving myself!

I don't know how long we were there, but it seemed like hours. The guys gambled a bit more afterwards and then we had to get back to Bellagio to see Cirque du Soleil: O. As I sat there in the theatre awaiting the show's start, my mind drifted to you like it so often did during this trip. I had always hoped to be able to take you to go see this show with me, and I was saddened that that dream never got to come true. I don't know how it would have ever been possible that you would be able to go to Vegas with me, or even want to, but I guess I always imagined a nice little weekend getaway where we could escape our daily ruts and just enjoy. There's so many shows that I wanted to share with you, so many experiences to see. Just walking side by side, possibly hand in hand, as we enjoyed the sights. Heck, it wouldn't have mattered if we were nothing more than just friends, for I just wanted to be able to make you smile. I guess it was my silly naive notion of something sweet. Somehow, thinking about it all just made the night a bit more depressing.

So how was the show itself? Beautiful. The water, the lighting, the sounds, all a perfect blend of artistry and imagination. I will admit though that our show was pretty late and I was very tired. I found myself yawning several times, and because of such, I'm sure I found some acts more boring then they deserved. All said and done, I don't know that I'd rate it as the best Cirque show I've ever seen. That honor still goes to Varekai, but O is definitely a show that I'd recommend and I actually want to see it again. Who knows, maybe one day in the far future, I'll be able to share that experience with you somehow.

If anyone does want to go see it though, here's my tips. Book early! I booked these tickets back in June and we still got the back rows. And don't try to get front row either. The stage is pretty big so that your head would be pretty cramped. I'd say the back row of the middle section is perfect.

It was getting late and afterwards, we went back up to the room and played several rounds of Texas Hold Em. I lost haha. We got ready for bed where I had the dubious honor of sharing the bed with Playa. The guy hogs the blankets and snores like crazy, and yet he'll deny everything in the morning! I'll admit, if I sleep a certain way, I snore too, but at least I'm conscious of it and will stop, whereas the way he was blasting, I couldn't sleep for a quite a while!

We slept in pretty late and by the time everyone was up and ready, we had to check out. We headed over to the Bellagio buffet, which was succulent. The shrimp were huge and the prime rib was aged 28 days to perfection. And the dessert, yum. In fact, the only dessert buffet that I think was better would have been Paris. Needless to say, we were stuffed and not looking forward to the drive home.

There was major traffic and along the way, we actually saw these two cars pull over and the guys getting out and yelling at each other. If it weren't for the fact that it was 2 on 4, there surely would have been a fist fight breaking out. That woke us up for a bit, but with the traffic and all, we didn't get home until 8:30 last night. Sitting in the car was definitely draining, and I told myself that if I ever go back to Vegas, I'm making it a multi day trip this time. I didn't really get to enjoy the resort and the attractions all that much and we were rushed the whole time.

It's sad when I realize that this is probably one of the last times our close group of guys will hang out. I got Playa's invitation in the mail today and so his date is looming in the near future, rapidly approaching.

Needless to say, I thought about you a lot this weekend. I hope wherever you're at right now, you're happy and smiling. Know that thinking of your sweet smile always brings a smile to my own face.

When you love someone,
you gotta learn to let them go.
When I dream about you,
that's when everything's alright.
You're in my arms, here next to me,
forever...

~ Dream About You ~
.: Stevie B :.

What a long day today. I came into work and throughout the day, I had this terrible headache and I could barely walk straight. I know exactly why I had it too, so I can't really blame it on anything except myself and my irrational behavior. I felt really tired and by the time I got home, I just crashed. I sprawled out on the bed at around 7 and didn't wake up again until 10:30 when M came over for some help.

It's good that I got the recuperation time though since it's like 3:30 now and we just finished our work. You see, it's the Round Mound's first birthday this weekend and so as a dutiful uncle, M wanted to get him a nice gift. Rather than buying something, I suggested what I had done for Katelynn on her first birthday, a specially designed calendar of pictures from her first year. So for the past two nights, I've been helping him design it all up and turn that vision into fruition. I'm pretty pleased with the result, though I must say it's far from my best work since I was limited on time. All in all though, I hope the little guy and his family likes it. And M, if you read this, no need to pull a Playa and say you got professional help. Enjoy and bask in the compliments you're bound to receive!

I thought a lot about you as I was helping him with the pictures. Specifically, I thought of what we talked about, how you seem to have everything. What do you get a girl that already has everything? Your answer was simple really, get her the things that money can't buy. I wonder about that though, for I've given you my love and my heart and that's something that money can't ever buy. But is it something you really wanted though? Something that brought a smile to your face and made you happy?

I haven't talked to M much this past week, for the poor guy's been working late due to some crazy deadlines lately. He was telling me tonight how he stayed at the office until 4 am the other night. LOL, it's funny, the only work I ever do into the late hours of the morning always involve a certain girl...

We also talked a bit about when it comes to work, I don't feel the stress of deadlines. I never fear missing one, even as I take on more and more projects. So does that mean I'm cocky and arrogant? He says it's not so much that, it's more that I'm just overly confident. I wonder sometimes. Maybe I need to become more cock of the walk, thinking there's nothing I can't achieve, no girl I can't get. Girls seem to like that for some reason, no?

I remembered our last conversation about how I can never be a bad guy in your eyes. Even if certain situations presented itself, you would still feel completely comfortable around me. But the more I reflect on it, would I really be such a gentleman? After all, with the girl of my dreams before me, how could I not help but partake in my fantasies, especially if were no fear of repercussions? I think that if it came down to it, I'm not sure I wouldn't be like any other typical guy out there.

I met a new physical therapist that has come to work at my clinic and specifically on the robotic rehabilitation project that I'm a part of. She's pretty nice and I found out that she can speak Cantonese. Maybe one day in the future if we're good enough friends, I can ask her to translate that song on my dedication page. I can only hope the lyrics are as poignant and sentimental as I imagine them to be.

Did any of you read that recent article about how women dress to impress when they're most fertile? I found the story quite amusing and I immediately thought of MCAT Girl, who in my eyes has always looked amazing. For some reason, thinking about that just brought a smile to my face. Weird...

One of my hard drives failed last night. Ugh, looks like I need to get a replacement soon and back up the data before it's irretrievable. More money to be spent, yay. The silly thing is, it's not like I really need the drives. It's more of a luxury considering how much entertainment I already have. Plus, I think I get some kick out of being the only guy I know with three terabytes of data. M and I noticed that I tend to spend a lot when I get depressed. When my first girlfriend cheated on me, I spent over a hundred bucks in one day, which back in the day for a poor student straight out of high school was a lot. When my ex and I broke up, I spent easily three or four times that much. Needless to say, in the past week and half, I've already broken the thousand barrier. Pretty funny when you think about it.

So I've been seriously considering shaving my head and the reaction I get from others has been quite diverse. Some say don't, others are very encouraging. I went into work today sporting a new hair style since I figured I'd be experimenting eventually anyway. Turns out that most people liked it and said that I looked a lot younger. Playa called me a pimp. M was kind of shocked. It's definitely strange though, for I've had the same hair style since I can remember. I look at pictures when I was a little baby and I still had the same style, so that now when I look at myself, it looks quite unsettling. Anyone out there have an opinion? Go or no go on the shaved head?

I woke up with the sharpest pain along my back this morning. It felt like it was extremely arched, as if I had slept on a lump. I guess I must have slept wrong somehow.

So it turns out that the place that Playa is having his wedding at is going bankrupt, and unfortunately for him, they didn't have the decency to let him know. When he called today to ask some questions, the truth came out, and now he's in a mad scramble to book another location, food, flowers, etc. Poor guy. On top of that, his wedding invitations have to be redone. We all have our problems, don't we? I have to see what I can do to help him. I do know that his bachelor party is in Vegas next weekend so we'll see how things go.

I was talking to Hombre today about the Mai situation. She called me again last night to try and get me to go out. Part of me keeps telling myself that it's just the way she is, open and emotional, plus she's lonely and going through identity issues now that her son is born and her husband works all the time. At the same time though, I feel a little uneasy. And though it's true that she's always been this touchy feely and we've always been close friends, I've never felt this edgy before. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Maybe my intuition is so far off now that I'm delusional. Or maybe it's because I'm so emotionally unstable myself right now that I just don't know how to act and can't judge emotions properly.

I was browsing the web today and came upon an utmost vision of beauty. It totally brought a smile to my face. I started a couple of my projects today too, the painting and the writing. Hopefully all will go well and I can share them with everyone one day.

I was rereading what I wrote that day we were at Disneyland and you told me where you stood. I feel like such a fool to you now for writing those things. How you must have laughed when you read my naive words. It was all in my head. How did I see something that didn't exist on your part? The connection must have only been one way and I was just too optimistic.

I got to see Shinobi: Heart Under Blade. It's an amazing movie. Part tragic love story, part kick ass action. Think live action Ninja Scroll and that's what it is and I thoroughly recommend it to anyone who can get their hands on it. There was a great line in there as the two jaded lovers were talking to each other before the tragic end. Our stars are crossed. We're destined to be together only in our dreams. I sigh when I think of that, for that's what I used to think of you. Of us. Now that quote has to be changed, for it's no longer our dreams that I think about. It's only in my dreams that where we're together. And I can't be sad because there was never an our dream to begin with and I should never have forced that image upon you.

I don't want to ruin the end of the movie for anyone who watches it, but all I have to say is that it's always the girl that chooses duty over love. Real life over dreams. The road more traveled. Hopeless romantics and love conquering all just isn't true and I can see it all around. I guess I'm just bitter and cynical that way. But then again, how cynical can I be if I'm still drawn towards a romance movie and reading heart touching books, things that I said I would stop doing?

Why is that if a girl breaks a guy's heart, she always feels the need to say that he can do better? I absolutely hate that. If she wants to be free to make her own decisions, then she should respect his desires to choose her. It's an insult to his tastes and to all that he holds dear otherwise. She should just say that she's not attracted to him and that she simply doesn't see him in that way. That may hurt, but at least it's the truth and not some half hearted attempt at consoling the wounded heart. We're grown men, we can take it.

You probably spend hours on the phone talking bout nothing at all.
It doesn't matter what the conversation, just as long as he calls.
Lost in a love so real and so sincere,
and you wipe away all those tears.
Your face lights up whenever he appears.

I wish you'd look at me that way;
your beautiful eyes looking deep into mine,
telling me more than any words can say,
but you don't even know I'm alive...
Baby to you all I am is the invisible man.

~ Invisible Man ~
.: 98 Degrees :.

I listened to this song a lot today, thinking about you. About us. Well, there is no us really, at least not in the way that I thought. But I wondered what else was there that I was so wrong about? How much of it was it all in my mind, unfairly placed upon you? After all, this is the second time in my life now that I've poured my heart out to you, only to have it returned to me. Third if you count my feeble heart shaped origami attempt back in MCAT class. You'd think that I'd learn my lesson after the first time, that I'd take the hint and stop asking. To stop imagining something that doesn't exist!

In fact, I remember listening to this song a lot back then as well, when you first met your ex... when you told me you were engaged... when I thought you were married. Why then did I do all this to you again?

He's not here because he loves me. I asked him to give me some space and he gave it to me! That's just part of it too... and it's not the greeting cards and sunsets and flowers part. That's easy. That's not real. It's about doing the things that you don't want to do. The stuff that makes you mad, or the stuff that you do without even being asked. -Melinda Gordon, Ghost Whisperer.

What a great soliloquy... the minute I heard it, I was stung but the poignancy and honesty of it. The manner of which she described his love just called out to me. I'm reminded that because I love you so much and so deeply, I need to accept your decision that I just don't have what it takes to make you happy. That someone else does, and that once again I must bury all my emotions for the sake of our friendship. At the end of the day, all that matters to me is your happiness. Love isn't about doing what's easy, it's about doing what's hard.

I was talking with my friend and we came upon the question of how long I've known you. Yes, it's true that you came before my ex. Which got me wondering, can I really be called faithful? Maybe faithful is the wrong word, but how about dedicated? If thoughts of you were with me even when my ex and I were together? Though I didn't act on anything, in a way, I do feel guilty to her, that she didn't have my heart completely. Is that why I've been so against meeting someone else since then, because I don't want to repeat the same mistake? The thing is, because you're so ingrained into the deepest corners of my heart and you're so fully a part of who I am, I'd probably end up alone my entire life. How can I ever be fair to anyone else?

My girl friends have told me that I need to give lessons on how to love and express my feelings, that girls want guys that are so open with their emotions and aren't scared to risk so completely. I think it's all bull. If i'm so sweet and so nice and so wonderfully caring, then I wouldn't be alone. And don't say that I just haven't found the right girl yet. Supposedly all girls want this right? There's something more that I must be missing. Girls complain that they want a nice guy, but many have admitted to me that nice equates to boring, and I've been told that because I'm too caring and too loving, it will eventually push the girl away. Hypocrites. Oh well, there's nothing I can do about that, for better or for worse, that's who I am.

You love the heart that hurts you but never hurt the heart that loves you.

I came upon this quote today. How sad. How true. There's so many cases of unreciprocated love; I'll be honest, I'm guilty of it too. I've turned down many girls who liked me, all out of memory for a certain someone. And yes, it may have hurt them, but I think it's better for them that I be truthful. I don't regret my decisions at all. A girl should always have 100% of her man's heart. That's why I can't blame you. You feel what you feel, and I must accept that.

I don't know what's harder, the nights in solitude or the cold bitter mornings? Because of you've, I've been waking up early and whereas before I would look forward to hearing your sweet voice in the morning, now I just sit in my room lost in thought, thinking of what went wrong. After a while today, my head started hurting from all the what if's, and I decided that I needed to go in to work. What a long and miserable day it turned out to be though. I couldn't get you out of my head and I became quite irritable. I'm sure I was shorter than needed with some people, including my parents, which I feel really guilty for now. Note to self, make it up to them as soon as I can.

As I was walking through the nurses's station, a couple of the nurses asked me how my CD turned out. They had seen me working on it last week and so I had told them what it was for. They thought it was so sweet. I had no idea how to respond to them today, and so I just shook my head and made a sad gesture and smile and just walked out. I think word got around because no one else really came to talk to me the rest of the day, and those that did see me just gave me a small smile and didn't say much. Or maybe the sadness is just so clearly evident in my eyes and written across my face that people don't want to pry.

I tried burying myself in my work, but my thoughts constantly returned to you. How I miss you. Finally at around 5, I left for home. I stayed longer than I needed, a long day overall. It wasn't until I got home that I realized that I didn't eat any lunch. In fact, I haven't had anything to eat for the past 36 hours now. Before anyone out there gets upset, no I'm not starving myself. I just don't have an appetite right now and my zest for life simply has been sapped away.

I was talking to Jap Girl and she told me to cheer up, that seeing a normally jovial person like me down made her very sad in return. I try to keep a smile up for others, a fake facade that masks my true pain, but it's plainly obvious that my heart has been broken that I can't hide it very well. N called me up to give me a hug, for she heard about your decision as well. We talked about how I'm feeling and how I'm reacting and she did her best to try and cheer me up. She gave me her opinions on it all, as has every one else. I don't know, was I really blinded by love? Did I really make it all up in my head?

I feel so stupid now for thinking so far off into the future. All my domestic shopping lately was all done with you in mind, that maybe one day you'd see it all, and now all that seems pointless. It seems silly really, that I had those thoughts when you had so different ones. My house now is nothing more than an empty shell where I waste away my mornings and nights. Maybe I should have just moved with my parents.

I blame myself really. What a fool I am. I made it all out to be more than it was. I forced this image onto you that maybe you just weren't. I pretended that we were more important that I guess we were. That was unfair to you. And so this hurt is the price I must pay for being hopeful, for being optimistic, and for being so utterly wrong. I guess my quote was right after all, love doesn't die... only hope.

As I was sitting there today, I realized that you must be returning to work today and there you would see him. To the lucky guy out there that managed to sweep you off your feet, something that I couldn't do: know how extremely lucky you are and always, always, treat her well. Always make her smile and make sure any tears you bring her are tears of joy. Know also that all my hopes and dreams go with you.

I had originally planned to take today off in the hopes of spending it with you, but instead I was forced to take it off, knowing that I wouldn't be able to concentrate. Part of me is considering taking the entire week off, but I'm sure that's unwise considering all the projects that are on hold right now and all the people that I would be upsetting because they have to wait for me. Plus, as M pointed out, sitting at home and wallowing might not be the best thing for me right now anyway. I think he might be worried about me...

He decided to take the day off and keep me company and I was grateful for that. We talked a lot about our problems, for we both have them. I don't understand why his girlfriend causes him so much grief. A good guy like that who's never done anything wrong deserves much better treatment. A loving, trusting girlfriend. Why is something so beautiful as love a source of such pain and anguish? I guess life is just so cynical that way.

He reminded me that after I told him about our talk a few weeks ago, he told me then that he had a nagging suspicion that you had already made up your mind. I guess at the time I had assumed it was me but was I so blind that I didn't see the signs? Am I guilty of being too hopeful? Too naive maybe? That I've always been, and always will be, nothing more than just a friend in your eyes?

Did I imagine everything?

He asked me why didn't I just propose to you already like he knew I wanted to. Why didn't I let you know that I wanted to take that step with you? But you already knew, didn't you? After all, everybody including you knows how much I love you and committed to you I am that it wouldn't have been that crazy. I'd be lying if I didn't think about it. But I guess I was just giving you your space, not wanting to scare you away, especially how we were so much in different places. I wanted to give you time to know me. But besides, how would you have reacted considering you only viewed me as a friend?

I thought a lot about how annoyed you got when I mentioned my opinions on him, and you criticized me for judging someone I don't even know. That's true, I don't know him and so I shouldn't judge. In fact, I remember how upset you got at me when I voiced my opinions over your ex before you guys started dating as well. Believe me when I say that I want nothing more than to be proven wrong for I never want to see you hurt again. Never. Your utmost happiness means *so* much to me that you'll never fully realize it.

It's really unfair that I'm feeling such anguish considering that we never were anything. I have pangs of heartbreak that only an ex should feel and yet I only have myself to blame for that. What happened to all my defenses? I spent all these years building up this impenetrable wall so that no one could ever hurt me again, and yet throughout it all, I built it with you on the inside. My Trojan Horse. But what could I have done? You are the love of my life, how could I not hold you so close to my heart? I could never blame you for that.

Hombre asked me, looking back now and seeing it all, if I regretted you coming into my life. If I felt that I was being led on? I've asked myself this same question over and over this long weekend, and I always reach the same definitive conclusion, and that is a resounding 'no'. Being with you, sharing those moments. Those are wonderful memories I don't ever want to forget. I guess I really have no idea how you might have viewed me, but I know what it is I felt for you, what I still feel for you, and that it was all real. And it's simple really: unconditional true love.

I thought about it, how I never experienced a love that was so wholly without anger and jealousy before, not even with my ex. I would always get jealous over the countless guys in her life. And yet with you, nothing ever matters to me but your own happiness. I considered your ex lucky, and wished that I had his fortune, and I hoped that he was treating you well, but I was never bitter or jealous towards him. And I feel the same to all those other guys in your life. I don't resent any of them, for who wouldn't want such a highly coveted treasure like yourself? I just hope that they're sincere like you deserve, and I hope that whatever your life holds in store for you, that it's a happy one. And instead, I'm just saddened that I could never get you to the point where you felt the same about me as I do about you. That I couldn't be the one to make you happy. I've sat back and prayed at night, not for my happiness, but for yours.

So it's simple really. I may be blind and thus imagined everything on your part. I may have been naive and you might have never even seriously considered me. Or you might have somewhere along the line decided I just wasn't right for you. That I didn't have what you were looking for. I may never know the true answer, but that's your choice. Your right. Your duty even. All I know is what I felt for you is true, completely and honestly. I love you without reserve and wear my heart on my sleeve. And how many people in this world can honestly say that they've been lucky enough to know true love? How can I possibly regret that?

She knew that the initial feelings dealing with love were almost like an ocean wave in their intensity, acting as the magnetic force that drew two people together. It was possible to be washed away in the emotion, but the wave wouldn't last forever. It couldn't--nor was it meant to be--but if two people were right for each other, a truer kind of love could last forever in its wake. At least, that's what she believed.

That's what I believe too. I've loved you for all these years and will continue to love you still. Know that my love will always be with you, forever and always.