.: archives :.
 
 
Tuesday, July 29, 2003

I ran across a kewl quote today. Everyone wants to be the sun that lights up your life. But I'd rather be your moon, so I can shine on you during your darkest hour, when your sun isn't around. 

It seems like it's my destiny not to be your sun... but at least I can be there for you if you ever need me. It's my burden I guess, to forever be the friend and never the boyfriend. LOL, hence the main quote of this site! =)
Monday, July 28, 2003

When you gave me this, you told me it was symbolic and carried meaning... I should jump head first into my life, diving into the future, to grab all that I can for myself. I'm ready to enter the world now. Thank you for thinking of me and for such a thoughtful and sweet gift...

Another memory that I never want to forget. As I was sitting there reading my book, oblivious to the happenings of the world around me, you walked up, your beautiful smile and radiant eyes piercing the deepest recesses of my heart. We decide to go looking for a place to eat, driving around aimlessly. The sound of laughter emanating from your voice is pure happiness and I smile in sweet bliss. How perfect it is to spend time with you. Lunch turns out to be in a homely Italian setting, complete with antique chairs and elegant wall mirrors in a small little cottage. And yet all this is nothing compared to your beauty. Dressed in simple white, you shine like a star in the night, a timeless elegance that no other has, guiding lost souls home...

Watching you eat, the simple nuances of your movement, the sparkle in your hair, the twinkle of your shell necklace, I realize how lucky I am for knowing you, and yet so unlucky for not being able to be with you. Some guys have all the luck, others like me aren't meant to be forever happy.

When we leave, you surprise me with a gift that I wasn't expecting. You tell me to open it there, despite how shy I am about opening gifts in front of others. And as you explain to me the symbolic meaning of it, I smile and feel so honored that you even thought of me at all. To put such thought and effort into surprising me, I feel so humbled. 

We all carry our secret burdens around on our shoulders. Our joys, our pains. Our dreams, our hopes. It's true that anonymity can be such a blessing sometimes. Of course I leave out the details, but it's funny that I sometimes find opening up to complete strangers easier than opening up to some of my closest friends. There is so much about me that's still a closed book. So much that I'll take to my life's end.

M called me today as I was sitting in my room, enjoying the cool breeze in the darkness of my solitude. We joked about how I seem to be trying to purposely make myself drowsy, so that I may nap... so that I may once again dream. How true. 
Sunday, July 27, 2003

Up until this week, in all the years since I met her, I've dreamt of MCAT Girl maybe a total of 2 or 3 times. And yet during this past week, I've seen her in my dreams three times, including last night. It's an endless cycle, too. I think of her, which makes me dream more, and when I dream more, I think of her even more!

Last night's vision was short, and to tell you the truth, I can't remember much of it at all. We were out at some restaurant, and I think it was Italian or a seafood restaurant or something. All this food came out and we were sharing it. Then this cute little baby at the next table was looking over, drooling, and she proceeded to feed him one of these little finger foods as we laughed and enjoyed ourselves.

That's the extent of what I can remember. I don't know how we got there, nor what we did afterwards. I have this inkling of something involving motorcycles and a corvette, but I can't pinpoint it out exactly.

I was at temple today, sitting in front of the waterfall, gazing at some Koi fish. There was a cool breeze in the air as it ruffled through my hair, and in that instance, I felt very peaceful. A soothing calm lifted over me, and I thought of what it would be like to forgo the material world. 

I'm more heart broken than most of my friends realize, so giving up on relationships wouldn't be too hard. Food and worldly possessions, that's my hurdle that I'd be hard pressed to overcome... =)
Friday, July 25, 2003

I woke up suddenly last night. One instant I was sleeping soundly, the next minute, I was startled out of my slumber. I don't know what it was or why I woke up, but I looked at the time and it was 5 in the morning. Strangely enough, I was wide awake and even contemplated getting out of bed and check if anyone was online to chat too. I realized though that I would be too tired later if I only went on a few hours sleep so I turned on the fan, thinking that maybe the heat had something to do with my restlessness. 

As I dozed off, it happened again. For the second time in one week, I saw her in my dreams. Only this time, I didn't see her face. It was more like I felt her presence. I walked out of what must have been my house one night and I looked over and saw her car and at that moment, I realized we were neighbors. Then for some strange reason, I was to be taking a trip cross country with her family. As I hurriedly packed my things, I realized I kept forgetting various items. Her family, which was huge, one by one started getting frustrated with me. I started feeling awkward and in need of moral support. All of a sudden, my uncle and several cousins were there and they were hastily packing as well. When I found out that they were to be accompanying me on the trip, I was elated.

As I walked around her place, I kept looking for her, but I never found her. My uncle then said to me, "Don't worry, when we get there, I'll introduce you to Tracy." I can't remember much after that, and soon I woke up. 

So now for my dream analysis. Obviously the fact that I kept searching for her in my dream mimics my real life situation of always longing for her. Even though I know that I can never be with her that way any more.

As for the family frustrations, it's always been my belief that if we had ended up together, her family would have never liked me for some reason. I can't explain it, but when it comes to her, I feel and have always felt severely inadequate. Almost as if I wasn't good enough for her. Like she's out of my league. With anyone and everyone else though, I've always felt confident and sure of myself, and rightly so in that all my ex's parents loved me and thought very highly of me.

And then there's the Tracy issue. I can't understand why I would picture my uncle trying to hook me up with someone else when I was at her place, unless it was an attempt to make her jealous? But the strange thing is, Tracy is her American name, so there's a weird connection there as well. Could he have meant I'd see her at the end of the journey?

I really don't know what to think. My dreams are often sporadic and I'm lucky if I even remember them at all. And this time, it wasn't bliss I felt, it was more sorrow than anything else. In many ways, my thoughts of her always bring me down. Bitter sweet.



Thursday, July 24, 2003
Something was wrong with my internet connection last night, and for a period of about 12 hours, I was left stranded without e-mail, AIM, or any other online service. I don't think it was the service itself, but more the fact that my computer is always on 24/7, and has been one for quite sometime. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of some file processing that wouldn't be finished until morning, so I couldn't shut down. At about noon today, I completely shut down my entire system, including all network devices. After about 5 minutes off, I booted up again and all was good. So there, I actually turned off my computer for once!

My family and I all went to the Orange County Fair last night. In my stupidity, I didn't bring my camera, which was a loss because there were many animals, shows, and sights that I would've liked to capture. Oh well, maybe next time.

I might add that there were a lot of cute girls there. Nobody stunning or a standout but then again, I find very few girls stunning. But yes, there were definitely various cute girls that I saw, most of whom had glasses for some reason. I think I find glasses very cute on a girl, especially if they accentuate the eyes. Many times, I looked them straight in the eyes and smiled until they shied away smiling themselves. Don't worry, I'm still down on love right now. But it's still good to now I can still bring out smiles in some girls if I wanted to =)

I've been feeling really lethargic lately. It's not that I'm not in the mood to write or update any thoughts, it's more that after my last entry, I haven't found anything worthwhile that I wanted to write about. To be honest, there still isn't anything on my mind as much as seeing and hearing her image in such a loving way. In many ways, it was almost a dream come true.
Monday, July 21, 2003

Before going to sleep last night, I had every intention of writing a commentary about how kewl it is when girls take the initiative to ask guys out. Well, one thing led to another and before you know it, it was 5 in the morning already and so I decided to postpone the issue and get to it in the morning when I woke up.

Here I am now though, but instead, I want to write about my dream last night, a dream that I never want to forget, and in many ways, a dream that I didn't want to wake up from. And I've sat here for hours already trying to come up with the right words to describe it all, rewriting this entry over and over, but the words escape me at the moment, and I have no idea how I can accurately describe how I feel.

For you see, I dreamt of MCAT girl. 

Which is truly remarkable, because I never dream of her. Knowing that after her, I can never see true beauty again, it's as if my mind has closed itself to her memory. Without a picture to remember her by, I've always feared that as I grow older, I'll forget what she looks like. And that I'll forget the sweet sound of her voice. The smile that I always get when I think of her.

But last night, she came to me. Vividly, beautifully, she was there in my dreams. It's like she stepped out of my memory and back into my life. We were out together one evening. It might have been Disneyland, it might have been a fair.. who knows? I just remember fireworks, attractions, and spending some time eating together. A very pleasant night together.

What's weird is that my friend J was there, which was very strange because he had a hand in us not getting together in the first place. But even though he was there, I didn't really notice, and neither did she. At one point, I felt bad for him, because I knew he felt like a third wheel. Somewhere along the dream, he disappeared. And then for some reason, I felt guilty, thinking that my friends like D wouldn't approve of me and her together.

Nothing mattered though, except that I was happy again. For the first time in years, I was truly happy.

We walked around, hand in hand, talking and laughing with each other. At certain points where we were just standing around, I was holding her in my arms as we both faced outward. I could smell her hair and the swell of the back of her neck. Everything was so peaceful, and it seemed like hours before I would let go.

And then at one point, it happened. We looked at each other, and there, in my dream, I kissed her - the love of my life.

It was surreal, more than a peck, and it had meaning. Afterwards, she looked at me lovingly and said, "I wanted to prove to you that I love you." I guess actions speak louder than words... And so we continued just walking around, hand in hand, arm in arm, until finally I woke up.

It's strange that my dreams are rarely ever racy, sexual, or trashy. The most I ever do is hug or once in awhile kiss. And yet, it was sweetest, most sensual and loving feeling I've felt in ages. I felt a stinging in my heart when I opened my eyes, knowing that it had all been a dream. And yet it had been so real, as if she were visiting me, knowing that my thoughts are always of her in some way. There's no way any writing I can place on this page can rightly express my feelings of love at seeing her smile, her sparkling eyes, nor my feelings of sorrow at losing it all again upon awakening.

I still love her so, though she may never know it...

If the sky opened up for me
and the mountains disappeared,
if the seas ran dry, turned to dust,
and the sun refused to rise,
I would still find my way by the light I see in your eyes.
The world I know fades away,
but you stay.

If the years take away every memory that I have,
I would still know the way
that would lead me back to your side.
The north star may die,
but the light that I see in your eyes,
will burn there always,
lit by the love we have shared before time.

~A Love Before Time ~
Coco Lee


Thursday, July 17, 2003

A funny happened the other day as I was out buying dinner. I walked into the local Sam Woo's Restaurant to order a roast duck, and as I went to pay, the cashier started talking to me in Mandarin. Instead of letting her know I wasn't Chinese, I just smiled and nodded, and handed over my money. As she gave me my change, she said a whole bunch of other words and finished it off with a "xie xie" (which means thank you for those of you who don't know), so what was I supposed to do? Say thank you and make her look like an idiot the whole time? So I just smiled and said "xie xie" back. Now I've heard of Caucasians having a hard time telling us Asians apart, but I thought that was pretty funny!

So guess what? We got a new parrot to replace the one that flew away. It's almost exactly the same, except that it's only 5 months old and so it's still young and afraid. Slowly we'll have to train it again, but it's always fun. They grow attached to you so that whenever they see you, they scream like there's no tomorrow! I had to drive up to the city of La Habra to find a pet store that carried that particular species, and we bargained with the manager to get it down to $300 from its original price of $625. What a deal huh?

I know what you're thinking... $300 for a bird? The way I see it, we all have our eccentricities. Girls seem to love shopping for clothes and shoes, even though their closets are full to the brim and they never wear the same outfit twice. I on the other hand love electronics and pets. I love animals, and most of them seem to love me too. In fact, I'm thinking about getting some more Koi fish for my pond. I was thinking about silvery white or butterfly Koi or something. Who knows?

I had the most unusual dream last night. It was as if I were in those Hong Kong Wushu movies. I was at some martial arts tournament, and I had the ability to use my chi and fly all around! That was definitely very kewl! I was fighting with swords and bouncing off walls. It was amazing as I ran towards a wall and just lifted up, as if I were floating on a cloud. It was breathtakingly exciting!

Also, there was this fast paced portion where we had to fight with only throwing stars. I remember ducking beneath a stream of metal, watching as they pierced the wall around me, and then I retaliated by throwing and hitting one of my enemies right in the hand. The gory part was that I could see the blood rush out of his hand as he could no longer throw anything!

The most interesting part of the dream came at the finale when the contestants had to prove their skills with the deadly projectiles. I remember being able to throw with pin point accuracy, hitting targets hundreds of yards away. I could throw underhand, overhand, and behind me even. Like if I had a sixth sense. I could also do rapid fire throwing, a la Shinobi, taking down hundreds of enemies like a machine gun. And to top it all off, I could throw three stars at a time, and depending on the condition, have them hit three different targets, or hit the same target at three different locations. All in all, a very violent dream, and yet at the same time, very exhilarating and fascinating! I guess it's just my love of martial arts coming out =)
Wednesday, July 16, 2003

Some sad news today... the family parrot got loose today and flew off. That was such a loving bird, flying all around the house, perching on our shoulders. The house sounds so empty without it screaming as we come home =( If Buddhism has taught me anything though, it's that we shouldn't grow too attached to anything, that everything in life will eventually be taken away from us. Still, it's no consolation for sadness in the heart.
Tuesday, July 15, 2003

I can't get that song Lie To Me out of my head! It's driving me nuts, because every second of my waking hour, I'm humming it in my head or singing the lyrics to myself! Everything about the song is awesome; the lyrics are sweet, the melody is sincere, and the Jacqueline really manages to sing it brilliantly. You feel the sadness in her voice. It's officially my favorite song of hers now. She and Trish should definitely collaborate together more if this is the result! Actually, there's supposed to be CD with them and another Vietnamese singer being released soon... I'm totally there if they have a signing party! Show the support, show the love, hehehe.

What's kewl about Jacqueline singing this song is that she actually has the ability to vocalize in English very well. There's nothing worse than trying to listen to Asian singers that end up butchering the language and in the end just sounds fobby or horrible, you know? Know your strengths, people.

Monday, July 14, 2003

I watched the new Asia video today and I must say that I'm in love with the new Jacqueline Thuy Tram song, which so happens to be written by Trish! The lyrics are so simple and yet they convey so much meaning. Haven't we all been through that same feeling before? As if our life is over and that we'll never love again? But when you think about it, would you rather be lied to or told the truth? Feigning happiness isn't the answer, and I'd rather be hurt now than later. 

A funny thing happened at the gym today. I was sitting there bench pressing as usual. Anyway, for those of you who work out, you know it's good to have a spotter there so you can push yourself to the limits, and in the case where you cannot lift it anymore, they help get it off you and help prevent injury. As D's spotter, I'm also there to motivate him and yell at him to hold correct form and push it as hard as possible. When it came to my turn however, he was staring off at some girl. Forget the fact that I had no pep talk, but by the time I got to my 36th repetition, my arms felt flimsy and I couldn't lift it back up! My arms buckled and slowly the entire weight of the dumbbells came crashing back down on my chest. Where was my spotter you ask? Checking out some chick running laps! Luckily, I managed to hold on long enough, screaming at him until the combined strength of both of us managed to put it back in position. Good friend eh? =)

And I won't mention the fact that he was half an hour late to go work out because he was on the phone with some girl... =P

I was over at my neighbors' today helping them with their computer system. As it turns out, they want me to help them buy the parts and put together an entirely new system as well, and are willing to pay me too. I told them I'd be glad to help out and not to worry about any fee. After all, what are neighbors for right? Should I have accepted their offer though? Oh well, I've always been accused of being too nice, what's one more time eh?

Speaking of being too nice, my ex's sister contacted me today looking for some help setting up her printer. Mr. Dependable again I guess. But yeah, I helped them. Besides, the sister's kewl, I'm not gonna hold a grudge just because of something her older sister did to me, right? I guess I don't have it in me to let people down. I've often thought about the question, is it worse to depend on others, or to have others depend on you?

Shouts out to G... thanks for correcting my Vietnamese =)


So lie to me and say that you'll never leave.
I promise that I'll believe, don't want to be all alone...

Lie to me and say what I want to hear.
As long as I have you near, I know I can carry on.

This is my destiny. I will never find love.
But let me hold on awhile before I'm all on my own.

Go on keep fooling me, I don't want to let go.
No matter what comes our way I will always hold on

All of my life you will never be mine,
so lie to me, just lie to me.

And say that you'll never leave.
I promise that I'll believe, don't want to be all alone...

So lie to me, just lie to me, and say what I want to hear.
As long as I have you near, I know I can carry on

~ Lie To Me ~
Jacqueline Thuy Tram
Sunday, July 13, 2003

Well, here it is, the results of my new project. M showed me a painting he got for his birthday which I thought was way kewl, and so I figure I'd take a shot. I've haven't painted since I was a kid in junior high school, and the last time I drew anything substantial was last year. 

Anyway, as you can see, I picked Trish as my first subject. I hope I didn't insult her beauty in any way! It took me a few hours, and the hardest part was the hair... what do you think?
Saturday, July 12, 2003

I was talking to a friend tonight about relationship issues and it reminded me of my own predicaments. It's like they say, we all may think our problems are unique and special, but everyone has the same issues, and some may even have it worse.

I gave her my advice and opinion on things, and though I know they were the rights words, I wouldn't blame her if she didn't listen. After all, I'm having a hard time myself taking my own advice. But I'm getting there, slowly. 

You see, when my ex and I broke up, I promised that I would stay her friend, despite the way she treated me. And so it happens that she came to call on me whenever she needed something. Anyway, because of that, she's never completely left my life, despite the fact that her last words to me as a couple were "Forget me." To my dying day, I'll never forget those words. Well the problem is that although she's been able to move on, I haven't. Not insomuch as I still love her, but that our memories together, and of us breaking up, still manage to hurt me. 

So I took it upon myself recently when I've been stung one too many times to forget my resolution and break contact with her completely. Numbers, IM's, websites, addresses... gone. I see no point in continuing hurting myself in some noble cause when she doesn't feel the same way towards me. 

And to be truthful, that's the best way, the route I should have taken when we broke up years ago. They say time heals all wounds. But to be true, you have to leave the wound behind, instead of carrying it around inside you. 

While I was at it, I also went through my cell phone numbers and deleted all the old people in there that I'm no longer in contact with. It's amazing to see how many people come and go into and out of our lives, and you can always tell who your true friends are when they're still there in the end. It's also funny to think back on how you met some of them and how far you've traveled since.

Take M for instance. I've known him for over 10 years now, and through all that time, we've had our differences, gotten in our fights. But none of that really mattered in the long run as here we are years later, still good friends. And that's the mark of true friendship, to be able to depend upon someone. I see all these Asian Avenues and Friendsters where people race to populate their friend lists in order to look "kewl" and it I just laugh. How many true friends do they really have? I can't remember where, but I heard a quote once that said that if you travel through life making just one true friend, then consider yourself lucky and blessed. 

I started a project today that was actually inspired by Waterfall, but in my own way, putting my own touch on things. It's progressing along pretty good so far, and maybe I'll post it when I'm done. Who knows. 
Friday, July 11, 2003

I went to the Third International Vietnamese Youth Conference today with M and D. The Opening Ceremony was held at the Vietnam War Memorial in Freedom Park. There were speeches and presentations, performances by singers, and was hosted by Asia Entertainment. The event was quite kewl in that I got a chance to get out into the crowds and just have a good time. 

I got a chance to meet Trish yet again as she was one of the headliners. I swear, I have so many pics and signings of her, but I can never get enough. And she's soooo nice in person! 

I also saw Thien Kim, one of my favorite female Vietnamese singers along with Nhu Quynh and Minh Tuyet, but I was too intimidated to go up to her. Also scheduled to perform was Lam Nhat Tien... his voice is awesome, but I didn't see him. Must have missed him cuz we got there late. 

I managed to meet Orchid Lam Quynh for the first time in person and I have to say that she's a very well spoken and polite individual! Very cute too!

The freedom statues I saw were very beautiful and it felt good to see a tribute finally being erected to those that sacrificed so much. They're definitely something I'd take younger generations to go see. There were TV and news crews there, as well as local businesses selling their goods. All in all, I thought it was worth the time spent going, culture wise =)

Afterwards, we went to eat sushi and then we hit up Pirates of the Caribbean. Did I ever tell you that Johnny Depp is one of my favorite male actors? From Benny & Joon to Sleepy Hollow to From Hell, he always does an amazing job getting into character. Any other actor would ruin his characters by making them corny or cheesy, but with him, it's totally believable and at the same time utterly hilarious!

The movie was awesome... one of the best of the year so far. The story and plot line was great, the actors superb, and the effects were totally believable. Even with my trained eye for computer generated images, I still believed that everything in there was real. And I must admit, the main actress is hot!

It's funny how I'm so anti-love and anti-girl right now, and yet I still notice them? Old habits die hard I guess. Besides, looking and admiring is one thing, actually giving in is completely different I say! =)

Thursday, July 10, 2003
Cream colored short sleeve shirt, low cut to reveal a tan inner shirt. White linen pants, slit on the bottom sides. Open toed sandals. French manicure on the fingers and toes. Layered hair cut that accentuates the eyes. A smile so sweet, a voice so sublime. A memory that I never want to forget.

It's amazing that all my talk of being anti-girl means absolutely nothing when you're in my life...
Wednesday, July 9, 2003
What the hell was up with the net today? I must have received a dozen e-mails that had viruses in them.  Of course I caught them all, but since they were deleted the minute they were found, I have no idea who they were from.  Some foolio out there without antivirus software must have me in their address book.  Arf!  Stop using Outlook people!

I had an other dream last night, only this time it was my first girlfriend.  Evidently, we got back together, much to the dismay of her mother.  That's totally weird, because if we were truly to get back together, it wouldn't be her who'd freak.  She loved me more than her own daughter!  On the contrary, I'd be the one who would freak because I was so relieved to be out of that relationship in the first place hahaha!

After working it at the gym tonight, I came home ready for a good night's rest.  Instead, D IM's me and tells me that he's signing me up for speed dating.  For those of you who don't know, it's where 30 guys and 30 girls get up in a room, pair up, and take turns talking to one another.  After three minutes, the guys get up, rotate to the next girl, and the process continues until all 30 girls guys have talked to all 30 girls.  At the end of the night, if any matches worked out well, then numbers can be exchanged and what not.

Anyway, apparently he's dying to go, and for some reason, he needs one of his buddies to go with him.  Be his wing man so to speak.  I mean the guy has game, why the need for a fool to tag along and look like a dork?  And so I told him that I wasn't interested.  Here's a portion of our conversation:

D: what if u hook up
D: u will thank me
Me: i ain't in the mood to hook up
Me: hahah
D: all it takes is one hot girl to change your mood
Me: nah, there's more to a girl than looks
D: lol

I guess he doesn't know that I'm particularly anti girl right now.  Moreover, I'm not in the mood to just hook up for the night.  And how come the laugh when I said that there's more to girls than looks?  *Sigh*  I feel so anachronistic at times.  My idealism is lost in this day and age, I swear.

To be honest, if he had asked me a year from now, maybe I would take him up on his offer.  It's just right now, I'm so down on love that I don't think it's all worth it, and most girls out there just give me headaches.  Besides, I don't really have too much to offer now anyway.  Having just graduated, I don't have a job yet, and I know how much girls value the money factor!  Plus, I ain't all that to look at, and I'm not the party animal get drunk until you heave type either.  I'm sure most girls would find me pretty boring hehehe.  Damn, I'm really screwed me over huh?  Oh well.

My temper has been really short lately.  Hmm, I wonder why...
Tuesday, July 8, 2003
Last night, I had a dream that I was out with the buddies at some club/social event where they were all there to pick up on some dates. For some reason, I tagged along but wasn't really in the mood, particularly because of my recent feelings towards the female sex. There was one girl that kept eyeing me as I stood there and after much pushing and ridicule from the guys, I finally approached her and said hi. She said hi back, and I asked her what her name was. All of a sudden, she started giggling and told me that many guys have asked her that tonight, and that I'd have to do better. Nonchalantly, I looked at her and said "I'm not gonna get your name am I" to which she smiled and laughed, and replied "Ah, nice try but sorry." She turned around and walked off, expecting me to chase after. I just watched at her walked off, and before you know it, I woke up. See damn it, even in my dreams, girls play too many stupid mind games!

It must be all my talk of being anti social lately that has resulted in my mind coming up with these images. The weird thing is that later in the afternoon, I took a nap, and dreamt a completely opposite dream.

This time, I can't remember where I was, but I do remember that I was with some girl that I've never seen before. We must have been in a fight because I wasn't talking to her. Instead, I was focusing on an old transformer toys collection that I had, trying to take my mind off her. They were incomplete and missing several pieces to complete my collection. Anyway I remember being really angry and not wanting to talk to her. As I was rummaging through the toys, I picked up two new ones that I knew I never had. The hardest ones to find. And looking at them, I realized that my collection was now complete! Turning to look at her, she looked really sad, but smiled at me and said "I got them for you." She started crying and ran into my arms, where I gave her a big hug. I started crying myself. 

So what could the two dreams possibly have meant? The first one in the morning is obviously the mental projection of feelings of animosity I've been feeling towards how girls play with guys' heads. Even when a girl is interested in a guy, she has to make it hard for him. And even when everything is alright and good in a relationship, she has to find a way to make it rocky. Girls are never happy. If a relationship is too smooth, they complain that there's not enough excitement. If it's too bumpy, they complain that they fight too much and it's not pleasant enough. They complain that there's no nice guys out there, but then go out with jerks instead. Ever see Bedazzled anyone? That's exactly what I mean when I refer to girls!

My second dream must have represented my deepest desire to be loved. I remember as I was hugging her, whoever she was, the feeling that I have never been treated so well before. That no girl has ever loved me so much before. Think about it... Transformers? It's symbolic, representative of my most basic interests. By being there with me, she showed that she supports the things I like and wants me to be happy, and that's something that I've never really felt before. 

I remember when I was with my ex still, I had spent some money to acquire some old toys from my childhood. She got frustrated with me. It didn't matter that I was too old for toys, or that the money I spent was a lot. What mattered was that it was important to me, but she didn't see that. After all, it wasn't like I was ignoring her. There was nothing I wouldn't have bought for her, and yet when it came to me, she thought it to be stupid. And I guess that's what I mean, I've never had that person out there love me so wholly and deeply that I feel really moved. It's always been the other way around.

Do I believe any girl out there can possibly show as much love and respect for me that I show them? To this day, it hasn't happened. Maybe it's because I pour so much into a relationship that they can't top it. After all, my ex always complained that I was so good that it made her feel bad. Same with my first girlfriend. But then again, maybe that's indicative of the girls out there, caring more about themselves and their security, and not in the concept of a pure and perfect love.
Monday, July 7, 2003
Kind of funny... the responses I got to yesterday's post weren't what I expected.

I wasn't always so bitter towards love. I wonder if even my closest friends know my reasoning. In fact, I'm still quite the romantic. If a certain girl were to come and sweep me off my feet, there would be no hesitation for me to open up to her. To be honest though, I'd still be wary and it would be up to her to break through my defenses. And after years of blowing everyone off, my defenses have been built up to immense proportions!

What has made me so skeptical of love? One simple person... my ex. Even though I had been cheated on before, I attributed it to the girl and not to the entire spectrum of females out there. I still believed that love was pure and that no matter the problem, love could find a way to solve everything. In fact, I was young and looking back, I didn't really know what love was... I doubt I was ever in love with her. And so, when I met my ex, I had been single for a year and though I was still cautious, I felt it was time to give love another shot.

We spent almost two years together. In that time, I grew to love her... my first love. I was there to support her and nourish her, to provide her with all the love and attention I could give. I lifted her when she needed lifting, instilling confidence as I believed she could accomplish anything and that she was perfect the way she was. Her confidence in her looks grew. Her attitude towards her self worth grew. Every time she needed me, I was there. And each night, as we went to sleep, I lay in my bed on the phone with her until she fell asleep. And even then, I wouldn't hang up until hours later when I myself would drowse off. 

I gave my all to make her happy, and was always there for her. Always. I set myself up so that I fell in love almost unconditionally, and that was my weakness. You see, she loved attention, and around her was always a whole bunch of guys. I told her that they made me uncomfortable, but she didn't care how I felt. I tried to reason that a relationship is nothing without trust and so I let it be. I should have seen her lack of compromise on the issue as an omen.

After I had graduated, I decided to continue working at UCI, where she still had two years to go. I soon found out that she was spending tremendous amounts of time at a certain guy's apartment. Instead of spending time with me, she would be over at his place, sometimes in his bedroom... She kept bringing him up when we were together, and even invited him along on one of our dates. =(

Not much longer thereafter, we broke up. As I wept and cried to myself, I found out later that she just sought comfort in his arms. The day we broke up, I couldn't eat for a week. She on the other hand went out to eat with friends that night. As the days progressed, she hung out with him more and more, going on dates, taking classes together, spending nights together... It was a tremendous slap in the face when I realize how quickly I was replaced.

I hated it her for it. I was angry at her, at how she treated me, blowing me off. I wanted to scream out "I loved you and you treated me like shit! I've done more for you than I have done for anyone else, and how do you treat me in return? You've ruined my belief in love and my belief in others! And I hate you for it!!" Here I was, moping and feeling horrible, when she evidently had no problem getting over me. Whereas I couldn't eat for days, she was already up and about the night we broke up. And that's when I started feeling bitter. We had gotten so close, spent so much time together, dreaming of our futures with one another... there was nothing I wouldn't do for her. And this is how I was treated when another guy comes running along.

And now here I am years later. I have no idea what ever happened to that guy, but I doubt he really cared for her. Guys are evil that way; they like the concept of getting a girl in a relationship, and then drop her once the challenge is over. But I know she's been with other guys all this time. Many other guys. She's never looked back or given me any other thought, despite all we went through. In fact, she took her advice to me to heart when she told me to forget her.

I on the other hand thought about her for months. I held hope that she would realize her mistake and come back. Even today I think of her once in a while, wondering what went wrong. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be. But whereas she hasn't had any problem getting around, I haven't been on a single date since that day we broke up. Over three years ago. I no longer believe in pure love and I no longer believe that love is enough to keep people together. 

Maybe it's my fault. My close friend at work at the time told me flat out that I was too nice to my ex. I never treated her bad, I gave her all she wanted, I never forgot a single special occasion... she probably got big headed and bored, a deadly combination. But I guess that's just how I am. When I love, I want my girl to feel like a queen, like she's the most important person in my life. To tell me to be mean, to forget, to act like a jerk.. it's just so hard to fathom. 

So that's why I'm so bitter about love. That's why I'm so skeptical when others approach me. That's why I'm so cautious about lowering my defenses. You see, I may have forgiven my ex, but I've never forgotten. They say you never forget your first love. Each time I find out she's with another guy, I still get a little sting in my heart, as the pain still hasn't totally subsided. I was in love then, and I believed she was in love with me too. I was wrong and it has turned me completely away from meeting a another girl.

I guess I should be honest though. Despite all my heartbreak and built up defenses, there's still a certain person out there who could make them all come crashing down. Someone I met before my ex, and found again since my ex and I ended, and whom I've grown closer with. I think we all know who I'm talking about here. Unfortunately my bitterness there lies in the fact that we just weren't meant to be together. Sometimes I think I'm just destined to be alone...

Sunday, July 6, 2003
I'm so frustrated with my computer lately that I just want to chuck it out the window. It's so irritatingly slow! When will I finally be able to use a machine that's worthy? I swear, the fastest machine out there is still too slow for me I think!

So how was everyone's July 4th Holiday break? Mine wasn't too bad. We had the usual family get together at my house, where everyone gathered to eat and drink. Following that, everyone watched the fireworks display which is easily seen from my backyard, and some of us even climbed up on the roof to get a better view. A few of my closest aunts, uncles, and cousins were out of town however, and the whole evening felt lacking compared to previous years. 

Like the sun rising, it never fails that whenever there is a family gathering, the issue of me becoming a doctor comes up. Sure enough, it did, and I did my usual smile... deep down though, I'm getting sick of hearing it. Sometimes I wish I could just escape it all.

The Saturday afterwards, I found myself extremely bored and decided to drive aimlessly around. I find driving clears up my head and lets me think about things more clearly. Especially lately, I've had lots on my mind. Take for instance the fact that everyone around me seems infatuated with getting hooked up. How come people can't see that I'm so bitter right now that I'm not looking to get hooked up? My trust and faith in love is currently nonexistent.

Moreover, I've never been one who's into the whole dating scene. What's the point of hooking up with a different girl every night? Seems pretty shallow and impersonal to me. Where's the love, the romance, the time and commitment? I'm fed up with the concept of more is better, that I'm young and should get out and play the field. And I don't understand how others can just look at a girl and only focus on whether she's hot or not. There's so much more to a girl than how well she looks in a bikini! Superficiality is prevalent everywhere it seems. I look around and see no one, not a single available person worth considering opening up to, worth even considering giving an effort... 

I'm not gonna date a girl just because she's fine with a tight body. I may look at pretty girls, but never does it even cross my mind whether I want to be with them or not. In fact, the prettier she may be, the more prissy she seems in my eyes. I guess I've come to the conclusion that in this day and age of materialism and superficiality, where others are judged by the car they drive, the amount they bank, or the degree they hold, I'd rather be alone my entire life. 

Later that afternoon, my friends called me up to watch Legally Blonde 2. I enjoyed the first one, so I figured why not? As it turns out, the movie was entirely corny and cheesy. Whereas the first film was funny while retaining a wittiness to it, this sequel is over the top campy. If it weren't for Reese Witherspoon carrying the movie, I would have found the movie ridiculously unbearable. It no longer seemed real. And before you bash me, yes Charlie's Angels wasn't real either, but then again, neither was the first one and so it was expected. And that was at least a fun movie. This was just plain corny...I expect a film about a lawyer to have more substance to it, but I guess that's just me.

After dinner with J, I asked him what his plans for the evening were. He told me that he was scheduled to hang out with Ann and Mei at the local Boba shop and just chat. At that instant, Ann called and told him that Bon was coming as well and wanted to do something else. So like that, there goes Mei out the picture, superceded by these two highly important people. *sarcastic cough* What ensued was a long game of tag over the phones about where to go and what to do. Apparently, both girls wanted to do things that the other girl didn't want, and neither had any idea of what to do. All they knew was that they wanted to do something. Finally after all that time, Ann said forget it and so J went with me to the local Fry's Electronics. Ditched. On the way down there, she called him yet again and then finally after a bit longer discussion, they finally decided on a place to go. Make up your damn mind!

So now let me tell you why I find that tremendously annoying! Ann can't decide what to do, but she won't compromise on what not to do. Same for Bon. The two of them can't seem to talk to each other so they have to relay back and forth between J, forcing him to sit and wait for their beck and call. I mean is it me or do they both think they own the world or something, that others wait around as the two queens battle it out over who's way is right? And then to top it off, after giving up and telling J to go do whatever for an hour, they rush him 15 minutes later when they finally decide on a course of action. 

This reminded me of last week. As you all know, it was M's birthday and so the guys were supposed to take him out and just chill. Well, apparently, Bon had the idea to trick J into going to a club instead, even though she knew it was M's birthday and that J would be hanging out with his buds. I was fuming when I found out, but whatever I thought. If M wasn't gonna get mad, then it wasn't my place to say anything. So after dinner, J split up from the rest of the guys as we started to go the movie theater. All of a sudden, the queen of the world calls J and tells him flatly that she doesn't feel like going anymore. No reason whatsoever. So what's poor J gotta do? He had to find the guys again, hope that there were still tickets for the movie left, and then stand the ridicule as we taunted him of being walked all over by her royal highness.

Bitchy, indecisive, hypocritical, always having to get their own way, greedy, materialistic, superficial lechers. You ask why I'm so anti girl right now? That is why! Wanna bash me back? Go right ahead!

Arf my computer's slow!
Friday, July 4, 2003
Happy 4th of July to all you readers out there who live in the US!
Wednesday, July 2, 2003
I went to work out with M and D today. It's funny comparing and contrasting the different reasons of each person for working out. D seems mostly preoccupied with checking out the local variety, and by that I mean the females. M and I were more anxious to get a good burn going. Unfortunately, I had gone yesterday as well, and today I was completely burned out. I can't even stand without feeling immense pain, and so I knew working out tonight would be tough. But it was ok, I got in some good abdomen reps. By the end of the night, I was pushing 170, so at least I got some good burn before leaving the gym. I hope I start recuperating faster, I want to bench press more!

In the afternoon, I went to see T3. I've been hearing good word of mouth about this move and so I went in expecting it to be decent, despite the fact that director James Cameron is no longer at the helm and Linda Hamilton is gone. But I wasn't disappointed. The action is good enough to stand up to other summer hits like the Matrix and X2, and the storyline itself stands up pretty well in the Terminator mythos. All in all, an enjoyable movie, despite what some critics say.

This gets me thinking. A lot of critics out there never seem to agree to my tastes of movies. The thought Hulk to be slow and perfunctory whereas I thought it to be thought provoking and deep. They thought Charlie's Angels to be idiotic and unreal, whereas I found it entertaining and quite hilarious. And now T3. It's about time I start a movie reviews section so that the average Joe Blow like me can use as reference, instead of all these pompous and pretentious movie critics that over analyze everything and try to find symbolism in every line of dialogue. I mean geez, what ever happened to enjoying a movie for pure entertainment value eh?

I'm sitting here with a number in my hand... I can't seem to get myself to move on and call... why is that? Isn't it time I move on and leave my past behind me?
Tuesday, July 1, 2003
It's officially July 1st. Do you know what that means? The year is half over! Time sure flies doesn't it? I remember back when I was younger, first going through elementary school and then high school, the year seemed so long, and the future seemed so distant. Now however, time is passing by so fast, so that I often feel like I haven't even accomplished anything productive.

I spent the day just doing chores around the house. My sleep pattern is really screwed up, and for the past two weeks, I haven't been able to go to bed until very early in the morning. In fact, it's 5:15 AM as I write this. I would have finished earlier but the program crashed right after I had gotten through the translation above. Damn Microsoft! Can't live with them, can't live without them! Anyway, the sun is about to rise and I can already hear the birds chirping. 

Anyone see the new Paris By Night video? I really like this one a lot, and so many of the songs in there are so sad. To be honest, they make me think of MCAT girl, and that isn't necessarily a good thing now is it? Well, at least she's happy...
More fragile than this glass rose you are...


Làm Sau Quên Được Em?

Em, làm sau Anh quên đi được Em?
Làm sau Anh quên những môi hôn ngày nào say đắm?
Thà làm cơn gió, thà làm mây bay, bay đi...

Em, làm sau Anh quên đi được Em?
Làm sau Anh quên những đam mê ngày nào ân ái?
Thà đừng quen nhau, thà đừng quen biết...

Chỉ thêm buồn mà thôi...
 

Any plans out there for July 4th you people?