Reading that letter from my ex a few days ago didn't do me any good. I may have forgiven her all the pain she caused but I've never forgotten. And instead of time fading the memories of those events, it just seems to bring back a rush of tearful emotions. I may have forgiven her as a person, but I haven't forgiven relationships, on girls in general. I know I shouldn't judge all girls this way, but I can't always be a logical person. Emotions are the measure of a human being. And so I no longer have any faith in a girl's sincerity, on who they are, how they act, and how they feel. I no longer have any trust to give out.

It makes matters worse because I'm a nice guy. Whenever I've broken up with someone, I still make an effort to stay friends. Many people heal by never seeing the other person. How am I supposed to heal if I'm constantly being called on for favors or just to talk? For her, she gets a great deal. All the good of me without any of the bad. For me, all I get is constant suspicion. I can no longer take any words she has at face value. How on earth can I possibly move on if I don't learn to trust again? Trust is a very important aspect of relationships and without it I might as well wander through life as a restless soul.

I know that the people of my past have moved on, and so should I. But I seem stranded behind. When my body healed, my heart and spirit failed to heal with it. I haven't opened myself to any one new, and to be honest, that's the only way for the spirit to heal. I should stop moping about and cheer myself up. It seems I've been depressed for too long... in all other aspects of my life, things are going well. I should settle down and start over, find someone whom I can learn to trust and to love again.

But saying is so much easier than doing. If I don't trust, I won't give anyone a chance; and yet if I don't give anyone a chance, I won't learn to trust. And so I sit here in my wallow of self pity that I have made for myself, tormented more and more on a daily basis about the direction of my life, growing ever more depressed about the cruelty as to how life has repaid my kindness and sincerity with nothing my hurt and pain.

So why is that all Asian guys have to look and act a certain way? Medium height with a typical boney figure. Hair parted down the middle. Either smokes or drives a little Japanese car that's been modified with a coffee can exhaust. Maybe both. Swears every other word and makes sly remarks as the ladies walk by. What is up with that? Any guy who acts out of that range isn't normal. So I bench 200 pounds and am taller than most of the guys in there? It's not my fault they're thin as a twig. I don't smoke. Or drink. I don't have hair like Leonardo. So what? But I do drive a Honda and I do check out the cuties! Take me for who I am, and don't judge, as I always say =)

Über-geek time. How many of you are fed up with Microsoft? You'd think that since I work with computers I'd be used to them. Granted, ever since my switch to XP, I've found the crashes to be less prone. But what's with the constant barrage of security patches and bug fixes? What other product on earth would we put up with this nonsense for? Could you imagine buying a refrigerator only to be told that every week you have to add a new screw or plug, otherwise it'll leak? Problem is, we really don't have a choice do we? Only über-geeks like me could use Linux, and there's no way Macintosh can compete with Windows yet. I sometimes wonder if OS X were offered as an operating system for Intel, how many people would actually use Windows!?

I always seem heart broken don't I? It's as if the love of my life walked out forever and I know that I can never be with my soul mate. Do you know the feeling of sadness in that you have so much love for someone but that they will never know about? All you care for is their happiness, so in the end, knowing that they're happy brings more joy than any sadness you might have?

I wonder if anyone ever feels this way about me. How would I react if I found out? I've never known anyone to love me so deeply. And if I found out one day, and didn't feel the same way in return, how should I act? It's always been so easy for me to care for another without thinking of myself. What if it were to happen to me, I'm not sure what I would do? I guess it's so much easier to love than to be loved in return.

So what's going on with the world lately? Why is there so much suffering? I know that people say that without suffering, there would be no compassion, but I find the world that we live in to be so horrible at times. We're all killing each other for no reason. I notice that human beings can be so cruel. It's ironic, it seems, that to be human is to be inhumane.

I just wanted to say hi to all those who've written me lately or have signed my guestbook! I still find it hard to believe that anyone would be interested in what I have to say, but I'm glad I could amuse you all. Write me more often just to say hey, because it's cool getting real mail.

Have you ever noticed all the junk mail and spam that floods our inbox? It's like the same messages are being sent over and over. I guess all these spammers think that web surfers are nothing but single, lonely, broke perverts. If you're a guy, you need a bigger penis. If you're a girl, you need bigger breasts. And we all like to work from home and earn $5000 a week! Give me a break, geez. I should dedicate my life to making the people who send this stuff miserable. You know, put all my knowledge to good use. Hehehe, that'd be so funny! =)

The things I wrote still sting my heart. Reading those words brings back memories that I've either forgotten or repressed. A cheating girlfriend is hard to deal with. You start blaming yourself. You think about how you might have screwed up, let things that used to be so good slip away. I can still hear the anguish in my voice as I read my thoughts. I was willing to forgive her for everything.

And yet now, as I look back, it seems so much clearer to me. Though the pain is still there, it seems like I've grown with some wisdom. I should have seen the signs coming. The glint of love in her eyes gradually disappeared. She started hanging around others. When I confronted her about it, she told me to be strong, so that the other guys would respect me and not see me as weak. But after all, what respect would any one have for me if they see my girlfriend parading around with other guys? She was being hypocritical, thinking only of herself and her desires. And yet all I could do was blame myself. How could I have been so blind, to let such a remark hurt me? I should have taken it as a sign. A true person who loved me would not make me cry like that.

I couldn't have given any more into that relationship. I gave more all the love that I could, and then some. Any doubt I may have had, I cast it aside during the time we were together to embrace her totally. But I guess all things happen for a reason. Whether it was that she wasn't ready for what I offered, or that I was destined to be with someone else, we went our separate ways. I sometimes sit and think about how my life would have been if certain things were to have happened while other things didn't. Where do I fit in the grand scheme of things? Was I given this heartbreak to show me what love really is about?

There is a line out of the Bible that I find inspiring. It says that love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful nor conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and it is not resentful. It is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. I don't have to be a Christian or a Catholic to understand the beauty of these words. In fact, I now have a better appreciation of what it might mean to be in love, to care for someone so much that all you wish for is their happiness. Unconditionally. All things in life happen for a reason...

It seems like all the girls I know, or all the girls I'm interested in, are high maintenance, both material and emotional. The funny thing is, before I go out with them, they don't seem like they're all that material. During the course of the relationship, or when I look back on it afterwards, it seems so obvious to me. Actually, it seems so obvious to my friends, who have no qualms about pointing this out to me =)

I guess I have this spoiling problem. I like treating my girls like princesses, but it seems that always backfires on me. The girls end up getting bored. I mean after all, if they get treated like a queen everyday, showered with flowers, taken to exquisite restaurants, opening doors, telling them I love them... then what's left to make them special? With everything handed to them, they don't appreciate what they have. They start taking for granted that all this comes from the heart, out of my feeling of love. They soon get to thinking that this is how all relationships should be. So just because I want to make them feel special, I end up making them extremely high maintenance in the process.

After we break up, they realize that not all guys are this nice. Not all guys are willing to treat them in such a manner. And yet it's too late to go back. Would it be better if I never treated them this way? I've been told that I should act like a jerk sometimes. To forget a birthday every now and then. To feign stoicism. To make them realize that they have to work at keeping my attention. That way, when I do something nice, they appreciate it.

I actually like emotional high maintenance. I like making her feel special. I just wish girls wouldn't let it get to their heads. Don't forget why I'm treating you so special and take it for granted.

Once again, it just goes to show that the nicer you are, the more you get hurt. The sweeter you are, the less they appreciate it. Yet if I'm a jerk all the time, all I need to do is pretend i care every now and then, and the girl will swoon. What kind of logic is that? Relationships are unfair that way.

So how many of you have had to live with strict family values while growing up? I've always been told that I should finish school, then find a girl. Where's the logic in that? Isn't school the ideal place to meet someone? They stick you in this area where the girl to guy ratio is higher than any place on earth! In fact, statistics show that 70% of marriages started out in school. On the other hand, what happens when you finish? You go to work, sit in an office all day. Who are you going to meet there? So you resort to bars and clubs. So that family advice really screws you over. Gee, nice schoolgirl or some club hopper you meet in a bar? Tough choice.

Speaking of which, I haven't seen L since the first week of school. I wonder how she's doing? I know, she's not perfect, but then again who is? If I always hold back looking for my perfect soul mate, will she ever come? But then again, she's not her. No one even compares to her. *Sigh* when do I move on?

I wonder how other people feel? I mean, I of all people, am immature and infantile as they come! I love the simple things in life. I see others around hustle and bustle around their daily routines, always worrying about impressing others. They must feel so tired, so worn out... so fake. But then again, to each person their own. Respect others as you wish to be respected I always say.

I wasn't able to sleep last night. I had just finished rereading A Walk to Remember. Have any of you read the book? If you've only seen the movie, then believe me, you're completely missing out. The book is by far better. I guess books allow a deeper connection to be made with the characters, so that more time is spent on character development, so that in the end, you find yourselves caring completely for those involved.

SPOILER ALERT - SKIP DOWN IF YOU DON'T WANT THE BOOK RUINED FOR YOU
As I was going through the story again, the fact that I knew she was going to die did not lessen the impact of the story in any way. I wished the movie had kept true to the essence of the book. There was no need to update the setting to the 90's. Quite to the contrary, I think the idea of an old man looking back on his life would have been more poignant. There was also no need to make Landon seem like a bad boy either. The story is about faith and love, and self journey. It didn't need Hollywood's manifestation of the typical bad boy. It's not hard to realize the good in life if all you are is bad. In the book, though, he's just a typical kid, and that's why his journey is so important. Next, why did they make him become a doctor? Why must all good people become doctors? Is there no other noble and respectable profession? The book plays on our imaginations by making him seem like he became a minister or some other drastic change in his life. Finally, the play as written in the book is so much more beautiful. The movie was just some lame excuse for Mandy Moore (whom I love by the way so don't get me wrong) to sing to the audience. All in all, I love the book so much more than the movie. One thing I did find kind of interesting in the book though. It's pretty much given that she dies and he never remarries. But I wonder. Books are always up for interpretation. He never specifically says she dies. On the contrary, half way through Chapter 12, he states that only a miracle could have saved her back then. And yet the final lines of the book read: "I now believe that miracles can happen." Now I guess this could be taken metaphorically, but what if?
END SPOILER ALERT - NOW YOU MAY CONTINUE

So like I said, I couldn't sleep last night, so I decided to watch Loser. I like that movie. It may be tacky and corny, but it conveys the important message of how we should really view others. We should focus on what's important, and not trivial aspects of people. He may have been a dork, and to be honest, maybe I would have ignored him at first, but he's the type of guy I'd be proud to have as a friend. Dora's character just goes to show that girls are blind to the nice guys.

Like the insomniac I am, I still couldn't sleep. It was near 3 AM, and though I had to wake up in the morning for class. I popped in Center Stage anyway. No, I don't have a thing for chicks flick in particular. I just felt in the mood to see Mandy Moore sing I Wanna Be With You. I LOVE that song. To this day, it's still one of my favorite songs. Hearing the words and seeing the images of the school always reminds of her. Not healthy I know, but I miss her. So now I was thoroughly depressed, so I decided I have nothing else to lose so I ended up watching the whole movie. I finally fell asleep with her image in my mind, and a longing in my heart.

And then I moved into my tedious java class. The teacher in there is so boring, it's incomprehensible. How can anyone be so dull? Here's the notes of what happened during class, along with my thoughts. Keep in mind that the class is supposed to start at 7 at night, so I'm wide awake before I get there, and ends at 8 so it's only an hour long.

7:00 Where is he? 7:10 Finally, Mr. Boring's here 7:13 *yawn* Already? 7:14 *yawn* Did I just yawn again? 7:16 F*ck he's boring... 7:17 *yawn* OMG number 3 7:20 *yawn* I'm losing count 7:28 F*ck he's boring... 7:30 Wow, I can't believe I'm still awake 7:38 *wake up* Huh? 7:40 *head leans back* Oh I wish I could shoot myself 7:43 *wake up again* Frantically writes down some notes 7:50 Finally, he lets us out early thank goodness

Don't you pity me? Continuing my tribute to cute girls, here's another one. Actually, she's hot. The new hotness, according to Will Smith. I should bring her picture with me to class so I can stay awake! =) Looks pretty high maintenance though.

Anyway, anyone here grew up during the 80's? Remember the kewl cartoons they used to have? Transformers. GI Joe. Do you remember the slogans to these respective shows? I can picture it now, if the two shows ever met, the tag line would have to be "Knowing is half the battle, but there's more than meets the eye fool!"

Expanding on that, it always seems that I never have enough time with a girl. Time seems to be moving at light speed when I'm around someone I'm attracted to. Well, I guess in L's case, she's always hopping around in a rush so that I never get enough time, so maybe it's just her =) But as for all other girls, like MCAT girl, hours pass by in minutes.

So I've been asked what's up about L? Do I like her? Is it mere infatuation? To be truthful, I don't know the answer to that myself. Why? Well in all honesty, I don't really know her too well. We talk once in a while and anytime we meet we always say hi and exchange pleasant small talk. And a few other things that no one knows about =) But all in all, I don't really know her well enough to say that I like her. I like this about her, or I like that about her... at least I'll admit that I think she's cool and I like spending time with her! =)

Attraction is a weird thing. Have you ever thought about what it is that draws two people together? I know it's more than just looks. And why is it that some people find someone attractive while others don't? Why is beauty in the eye of the beholder? The strangest thing would be when I find one girl attractive, yet her identical twin doesn't attract me. I guess the world is strange that way.

My back hurt like hell today. I'm not sure if it's the way I sleep, or if my mattress is too worn out, or a combination of both, but I woke up with a huge pain going down my right side. It still hurts. In fact, every time I inhale, I feel a sharp pain in my side. I hope it's nothing serious! It's times like this when I wish I had a girlfriend who cared for me enough to give me a soothing massage. As if!

I just wanted to wish a very happy belated B-day to L. I should write it down, August 28th, so I won't forget... Why is that before you go out with a girl, she always wants you to forget her birthday, that she's another year older... yet if you're her boyfriend, she'll kill you for missing it? Oh yeah, while I'm at it, I might as well wish a happy birthday to Nhu Quynh, one of my favorite singers... she's so cute too! And Loan Chau, too, since her birthday comes up next week. Geee, three birthdays for three cute girls in the span of three weeks.

I ran into this quote recently that I found quite interesting. "Love doesn't make the world go round, love is what makes the ride worthwhile." Now I may joke about how love sucks, but I'm the first to admit that it can be a wonderful thing. After all, love only sucks for me! It seems that all the girls I've known or dated are simply not looking for a serious relationship. My last girlfriend flat out told me that she wasn't ready to commit. 3 years into the relationship. I mean didn't she know this before? Well, I'm still waiting for little Miss Right to come along. Someone who knows what it is to be in a serious relationship, a commitment. Until then, I'm perfectly content with where I am. Happiness shouldn't have to depend on someone else, right?

So did any of you read that recent research study that came out in the news ? About how people should exercise more and eat less fat? Well DUH! What moron comes up with these studies that are so blatantly obvious that my little 2 year old niece already knows them? And what bigger moron decides to put out millions and millions of taxpayer's dollars to fund this type of research? What next, a study that says the sun is hot?

Why do some people insist on being teachers when they suck? And I mean SUCK! There should be a law that states if you're going to be in charge of teaching the minds of tomorrow, you must be at least enthusiastic about and not like you'd rather be watching paint dry!

I was walking around school, and it's so sad to see how many pretty girls there are, and yet none of them are from the Computer Science department. Am I doomed to be a nerd for the rest of my life? If I sit in lab all day, the chances of me meeting anyone remotely eligible is pretty much nil.

I always associate people with others that I already know. There's this girl that I see around the department, and she totally reminds me of my friend Mei, except that she's white. Every last nuance of her is identical to Mei, from her mannerisms to her method of speech, from her frame to her hair style, and from her dress attire to her constant study habits. I wonder if there's anyone out there like me. Or like MCAT girl hahah!

My luck with relationships is sad. Actually, I think there's some greater power messing with me! Every time I'm talking to a girl, some one will come up and interrupt. My friend might stop by and the atmosphere is no longer fit for flirting. And it seems that every time I'm speaking to a girl, my ex seems to call at just the right moment. What luck, huh? =)

Hey all you girls out there. Why is it that you like to play games and toy with a guy's mind? Why is that when you like someone, you don't just tell them? Say I'm talking to a girl. Why is that she always has to leave, finding some excuse or other to get off the phone? I mean why would she even talk to me in the first place if she's in such a rush? Always leave them wanting more, eh? I think it's nonsense. I wait for the day when a girl actually comes up to me and tells me that she has feelings for me, rather than beating around the bush.

Do you think I'm placing too much emphasis on finding a Buddhist girl? I've already passed up on a fantastic girl a long time ago, just because she was Catholic. I don't want to make that same mistake twice, but isn't that presenting a future barrier that will stand in the way of totally understanding each other?

Funny thought for the day. Have you ever seen a beautiful girl, hot as can be, cute face and all. But them minute you get next to her, you smell the stench of major BO? I hate to say it but it happened to me recently. I couldn't even breathe! How sad.

My last weekend before school started, a couple of buds and I decided to go to this International Food Fair they have every year around labor day. I love food. Eating has to be one of the great pastimes in life, where you can just sit down and chill with your friends. It's funny though, because I was like the only one there who wasn't interested in drinking. I was never too fond in alcohol, and like a funny quote I heard once, why would anyone be addicted to beer when there's Pepsi? Actually for me, it's Pepsi Twist! Haven't gotten around to Pepsi Blue yet, so I hope it's not another Vanilla Coke let down. Yep, I prefer to keep myself clean... no smoking, no drinking, no drugs. Just good old fashioned junk food!

I also went to California Adventure with M. He's the only guy who gets me sometimes. When I go with others, there's always a rush or a need to feel like something was accomplished. Hanging with D or J always feels like it's a quest to catch the attention of some ladies, or as D calls it, some nice "Asian Flavor." Nope, as for me and M, we just go to chill and hang loose. California Adventure is quite cool in my opinion. Obviously it can't compare to Disneyland, but let's be honest, what theme park can? On it's own, it reminded me a lot like Universal Studios. Anyway, the shows there were very cool, especially Soaring over California, and the rides Screaming California, and Maliboomer rock! I was coaxed to go on this rocking Ferris wheel, and as you all know, I have a huge fear of heights. Well, let's just say that the little 2 year old girl was braver than I was! In the end, M ended up feeling worse than me, so I guess that's punishment enough =)

Isn't it funny how infantile I am? I find myself growing passive on a daily basis. I don't drive aggressively as much anymore. I don't feel the need of competition, and I hate bragging. Winning doesn't feel so important. After all, isn't there always someone better than you? My parents were ragging on me the other day about how I should always strive for more: a bigger car, a bigger house. I just keep thinking to myself that there's so much more to happiness...

So yesterday was the first day of school. Hopefully, it'll be the last "first day" of school for me, because if all goes well, then this should be my last year. I feel so old. I know I don't look it but I feel mentally fatigued. Then again, it's like I'm approaching the last mile and I can see the finish line. If I can only gather enough strength to burst to the finish line, to finish the year off with a bang, then I think I'd be good to go.

It seems like a lot of people know me now. As I walk though the hall ways, I constantly hear cries of hey and what's up? I think to myself if any of these people actually remember my name, but then I just laugh.

I'm a TA for two classes this session. During one of the classes, this guy I was talking to asked me how many languages I know. It kind of hit when I thought about the sheer number of languages I've studied over the past few years, and then I got to thinking. Why is it that the number of programming languages you know isn't as cool as actual languages? If a guy knows English, French, and Latin, then girls will think he's so sophisticated and swoon over him. Where is that same sense of awe when a guy knows over 10 machine and programming languages? Instead, that just makes me a nerd =) When the second class started, the teacher started going off about how impressive I am and how well I did in his class. I felt so embarrassed. Like I said, I don't like bragging. What are you supposed to do when someone compliments you? I just stand there like a goober!

About the only good thing about being back in school is that I get to see my friends. And of course running into L isn't bad either =) Alright, I won't lie. She looked cute! Seeing her radiant smile after such a long time was refreshing, like a ray of sunshine lighting up a dark room and a breath of fresh air. I've hit this point in my life where I must make a decision, what to do with my past, what to do with my future. I know what I need to do, it's just that I'm afraid to do it.