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Thursday, November 28, 2002 |
For all you readers living here in the US, Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you all had a restful and relaxing day filled with food, fun, family, and friends! My entire family came over and I got the chance to play with my little niece. She's so big and adorable now, running around the house. Her face is always decorated with a huge smile, and when I asked her "Where's Vu?" she looked at me, pointed at me, and smiled and laughed and said "Vuuuu!" How adorable!
My other cousin's newborn daughter is 5 months old now and as I was holding her, I could still smell the sweet fragrance that is inherent in all babies. How fast she's grown though in just the past few months. And another cousin of mine is expecting to have a son this month. All of a sudden, I'm thrust into unclehood (is that a word?) with all these nieces and nephews. When will it be my turn I wonder, hehehe. =)
Time really is passing by so fast. All the little kids that I used to know are growing up so fast. And all my elder relatives are passing away. Just recently my Grandfather passed away, which made me really sad because I had hoped to visit him in Vietnam this summer. I can't help but shake off that feeling of guilt, knowing that I missed that opportunity by such a close amount. And today, I found out that my grandmother's sister just had a stroke and also passed away. Like my grandfather, she was 91 and had lived a rich full life, but it's still sad for me to lose so many of my loved ones.
Life is just cruel that way. It puts you in this situation where you learn to love others. As the years go by, the bond that you feel for them only grows stronger and stronger each day. And then one day, it's all taken from you as they're all taken from you. It makes you really appreciate the time you spend with them and make Thanksgiving that more meaningful.
P.S. Happy birthday to Vid Girl who celebrated her 20th birthday on Tuesday!
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Sunday, November 24, 2002 |
Today was my kick back day. It's kind of stupid to say such a thing, considering that I spent Friday and Saturday doing nothing as well! Actually, that's not true. I spent about $400 this past weekend. I picked up a Gamecube and a few games. Nothing like relaxing at the end of the day and escaping into a fantasy world that video games provide! I also went Thanksgiving grocery shopping and then bought a few home improvement items for the house. Why oh why does money go so easily?
Did anyone catch that USC-UCLA game? Go SC! I'm such a goober, rooting for a school I've never been to!
| So I spent most of today sleeping and watching sports. Typical guy behavior right? I just couldn't find the motivation to finish my projects until about 10 at night. So here I am, nearly 3 in the morning, and I guess all that rest has done me good because I feel wide awake. Gotten a good amount of work done, and I'm still going strong. I would be working much faster, but for one thing, I don't feel pressured yet, so I seem to slack. Also, I'm on AIM and I'm enjoying chatting more than coding! |
What Kind of Virgin Are You? |
My friend told me today that his girlfriend thought I was cute and is trying to hook me up with her roommate. That's so funny! How are you suppose to react when someone tells you you're sexy? I just laugh!
It's a funny thing, reflecting on how others might see you. I know people see me as smart, sensitive, and nice, but I never think about anything physical. Beauty's in the eye of the beholder right? After all, every time I told MCAT girl that I thought she was beautiful, she would look at me like I'm crazy! She really is beautiful though... =)
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Thursday, November 21, 2002 |
I've found that every time I go into a test feeling well, I end up doing horribly. And then again. at those times when I feel unprepared and that I'm about to bomb a test, I usually end up doing exceedingly well. What gives eh? It's very disconcerting because during these recent midterms, I felt like I actually prepared, and to not do as well as my first set of midterms makes me question why I even bother studying.
It's funny how certain things always bond guys together. I was in the computer labs today passing the time, and so I decided to load up an old Nintendo game on the computer and start playing it. All of a sudden, this guy walks by an shouts out "whoa, I used to play that game!" Before I knew it, I had a group of about 10 guys around me just watching me play, as we all discussed the pros and cons of games nowadays versus in our youth. I found that so funny for some reason.
It's been like 90 degrees here in Southern California, which is totally whack because it's supposed to be winter! Anyway, I hope all this freaky weather isn't some sort of Earthquake prediction. *Knock on wood*
I came home today after a long day at school and when I got out of the car, I stood there looking up at the stars. As I saw the Three Sisters and as I was looking for the Big Dipper, I saw how insignificant everything really is. I wish I had a telescope to truly admire the brilliance of the night. Here we are busy running around in our lives and yet we all fail to see the grand picture of things. So I stood there, continuing to watch the majestic beauty and trying to take in the grandeur of it all, wondering if somewhere out there, you're looking up at the same stars.
One of the things I've always wished for is to have my girlfriend sing to me. A serenade, a dedication, a lullaby... there's something so sweet and endearing about falling asleep to the sweet sounds of the one you love.
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Wednesday, November 20, 2002 |
I've kind of lost my motivation lately. I got back my last set of midterms and my grades weren't too good. I'm still well off of course, and I'm still able to pull of my A's if need be, but for some reason I don't feel like putting in the effort. Everything seems like busy work, or trivial meanderings that are just meant to keep me busy with no real educational value. I guess my mind's just bored.
I sat and wondered today where my life will be in half a year from now. I should be out of school, and with no clear direction. Will I be able to go out there and find a job that suits me so that I can prove to everyone this wasn't all just one big mistake?
So funny story for the day. I was sitting in class today, and there was a pretty cute girl. I mean computer science is so slim pickings that I pretty much now all the cute girls and can count them on one hand. Anyway, Big D kept walking in and out of the labs, and he made it so obvious that he was checking her out. IN the course of ten minutes, he must have come in two or three times. Keep in mind that he wasn't there to fix anything, not even loading the printers. I made the remark to my friend next to me that he's such a perv. My friend agreed and we had a good laugh about how that guy is always macking on girls. No sooner than 5 minutes after we were laughing at him, Big D comes in again, with M&M's in his hands, and gives it to the girl! She smiles and politely says thank you, and then he walks out. I look at my friend and he looks at me, and we both just bust up laughing. I feel bad for Big D's wife! She must have been really desperate to marry a sicko like him!
Which gets me to my point of desperation. How much longer can I keep blowing off a girl because some minor aspect of her isn't right? I mean no one is perfect right? I'm sure as hell not. But then again, I don't want to hook up with anyone just because I'm lonely either. I've gone out with people for the wrong reasons before, and I don't want to tread down the same path. It's funny how I'm the most picky desperate there is, isn't it?!
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Sunday, November 17, 2002 |
I'm back from my competition and what a cool experience it was! If you get bored of geek talk, go ahead and skip on down a few paragraphs =) Anyway, all the top schools in the region were here, coming from as far east as Las Vegas and far west as Hawaii. Cal Tech, Harvey Mudd, & Cal Poly were among the big names that came to play. Registration started at 8 in the morning, followed by breakfast and orientation. Warm-up problems were handed out and a final question and answer session was held during lunch. At about 1, the actual competition started. 50 minutes into the contest, I had already solved a problem, and I checked my score. Time and accuracy wise, I was already ranked 12th, which placed me near the top! Stoked as I was, I had to continue on.
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Can you believe that for the next 4 hours, I was jumping back and forth between two problems? Both were on the verge of being solved, but always came out slightly wrong. When the contest ended, I was so upset that I squandered 4 hours and couldn't even get one more! If I had just gotten them, I could have jumped up to the top 10! But then again, the problems were pretty dang difficult and I felt pretty good about myself. The final scores placed me about 20th, a respectable number considering there were over 60 teams, and where I ended up beating big name schools like USC, UCLA, UCI, Brigham Young, and even one of the Cal Poly teams! many teams it turned out didn't even solve one problem! |
After the awards ceremony, it turns out that the winning team, from Cal Tech, was comprised of these genius freshmen that swept the International Programming Olympiad last year at the world competition! They solved 6 problems in 4 hours, which is literally unheard of. It's like running a mile in a minute! Anyway, I felt better that I lost to such a freakish team, but then again, they were a bunch of kids =) Being there was funny though. It was like a scene out of "Revenge of the Nerds!" It's sad to say, but it looked like none of these guys had lives! And no offense, but their personal hygiene sucks! All my friends were complaining how the majority of the teams there stunk like crazy. Keep in mind that California isn't particularly known for its fresh air, but it felt like heaven out in the open instead of being cooped up in the lab with all those people!
While I was sitting there, I noticed that the guy girl ratio was like fifty to one. How sad. How on Earth am I ever going to meet someone in this field? I think during the whole time, I saw one girl that I considered attractive.
So a very weird thing happened last night. I didn't dream of MCAT girl. I didn't even dream of L. I dreamt of Kit Chan girl. How strange is that? I think I've talked to this girl a total of five minutes in my life. Everything else has been a matter of hellos and smiles. I can't remember much of it now, but I remember vividly the sensation of holding her in my arms and hugging her. It's funny, my dreams are never anything extravagant or worth talking about. Most of the time they revolve around simple sensations. The smell of someone's hair, the warmth of their breath, the sweet echo of their voice. And yet it's those simply things that, when I wake up, I miss the most. I realize that I can't have what I had just experienced.
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I've been getting hits to my dedication page. It's kind of a strange feeling putting myself out like that, but it eases me to be able to express the feelings I have sometimes. My friends would never understand, and that's why there's a part of me they'll never know. I was asked recently why I even run this site, even though none of my friends know about it (except for M), letting strangers get to know me so well. I guess it's easy when I don't have to meet anyone who reads my rantings. Until I actually meet up with someone with which I might be embarrassed, the majority of the web is just the faceless silent crowd. What I say is just my opinion, open honest and vulnerable, and I don't have to worry about keeping up a facade or image around others, or getting hurt in return.
So now I wonder, is there ever chance that the legendary MCAT girl will ever stumble across my site and find the page dedicated to her? What if someone reads this who knows her, and then tells her? Reading my words and seeing all my sentimental emotions towards her, would she get freaked out? I wonder how I would react if I stumbled onto a page where someone loved me...
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Friday, November 15, 2002 |
How is that the sound of one's voice can elicit so many responses? Happiness. Ecstasy. Regret. Wonderment. Every time I hear your voice, it's amazing. I melt in the warmth that is resonating around me, and for that instant, nothing else in the world matters. You ask me, "Do I know who this is?" Of course. How can I possibly forget that sweet voice of whom I wish to dream about every night?
Tomorrow I head to the Regional Competition, representing my school. I hope I don't embarrass myself and my school out there. Wish me luck!
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Thursday, November 14, 2002 |
It feels like Finals week for me lately. Two tests down, two to go! And then there's of course my two huge projects and my research discussion on Monday, but oh well, one day at a time. Today's midterm was pretty tricky. I get mad at myself because I know that if I had put in the effort to practice some problems, I would have aced the exam easily. I guess I'm too dependant upon the talents that I already have and so I don't put in the work ethic to try harder. So bad, I know, but I guess I just don't like to over exert myself! =P
I was talking to these classmates about test preparations, and one of them made the off comment, "Oh, you're not normal!" referring to the manner in which I prepare. Should I take that as a compliment or an insult? Somehow being labeled a computer geek isn't exactly beneficial to my image, especially with the ladies! =)
There's this teacher that still has yet to know my name. Every time he hands back some papers, he always thinks my name is Kevin for some reason. I wish! Funny how a lot of people would like to be me right now, but I would like to be him instead! The grass is always greener on the other side isn't it?
Friday's finally here! I'm so burned out, time to chill and turn of my brain! Just wanted to shout a big ol HEY DUDE to M.
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Wednesday, November 13, 2002 |
| I can't believe that after 2 years, I still let my ex girlfriend affect me. The thing is that I'm always too nice to really say anything, even if it bothers me. So that if she ever calls up or needs a favor, I'm more than willing to help out. What happens though is that she always makes comments about other guys which I find difficult to listen to. I mean it was bad enough that I had to put up with all this when we were going out, but now that she's been out of my life for so long, I don't think it's fair that I have to put up with it all. Any other person would have severed all contact and been done with it, but I just can't seem to do that. Maybe it's a sign that I'm not over her, but I doubt it. More realistically, it's a sign that I'm just too nice of a person that I let others walk over me.
Perhaps that's why I've been so hesitant to start a new relationship. I have yet to find a girl that I find totally believable in her sincerity. I liken all girls to her, and even back to my first girlfriend, and I can't seem to regain my ability to whole heartedly trust again. I complain and I complain, and I'm always looking for that sweet someone that's atypical of the average female, but to this point, my searching has been nothing but an act of futility.
And deep down, it seems like I'm really comparing everyone back to that one person with which I look back with wonder if I made the wrong choice. She that holds a special place in my heart. It's not fair to anyone else, for that pinnacle is probably unattainable even by her. But maybe that's why I refuse to move on.
I wonder how long would I wait for someone? For me, that's a sad thought that's been going through my mind lately. Let's say someone were to come up to me tomorrow and tell me that if I were to wait 20 years, then the love of my life would return and we'd finally get to be together. It's an interesting premise, and it seems timeless love is always an idealism that we all strive for. I finally saw The Count of Monte Cristo, which reminded me a little of The Return of the Condor Heroes. Both of which are stories that possess a love that lasts the ages. And to be truthful, the more I think about it, I seriously would wait 20 years if I could be with her. At the rate my life is going, I see myself waiting what may end up being this entire lifetime, and maybe even the next.
It's funny because the rest of my life seems to be headed in the right direction. I'm just missing that one crucial element that would justify all that I do and complete my being. Oh well, I have too many tests, papers, and projects due within the next week to be bothered about this, not to mention the Regional Competition. Have to get my game face on, and step up. After all, it's a once in a lifetime opporthuynity, don't want to look back with regret just because my head wasn't clear! I just wish I had someone to share it all with...
I've been so busy lately, which is why if you wrote me, hold on, I promise I'll write back =) |
Monday, November 11, 2002 |
I'm actually nervous. I spent the day looking over the competition rules and regulations, the formality and highly strict instructions, and the schedule of events. And it finally dawned on me how important this event really is. Not only does it set the stage for the World Championships, it's also highly publicized, where the top schools in the region will be sending their top students, seeking honor and notoriety for the alma mater. Schools like Cal Tech, which is basically the MIT of the west coast are going to be there. IBM recruiters will be looking for bright potentials, seeking out resumes. The event itself is scheduled to be all day, with registration occurring early in the morning, the tournament itself lasting for over 5 hours, and the awards ceremony at night. I looked over the results of last year's tournament, and as my nerves start twitching and the anxiety formed in my stomach, I realize that I just hope I don't embarrass myself out there!
To make matters worse, I have two major midterms this week. The first one is on Wednesday in my Advanced Algorithms Analysis class. The professor was out to scare us today, telling us how this test has on it one of the hardest concepts in computer science. And to be honest, the material itself is enough to make most non-mathematicians go nuts. I'm worried. And Thursday night I have an Advanced Computer Architecture midterm. Have you ever sat down and really thought of how your computer works? The CPU, the RAM, everything? That's what this test is about. Everything from Pipelined Cached Instructions to Super Scalar Architectures will be covered, and I'm expected to do well??? They say this subject is hard enough to give the brightest minds a headache and make grown men cry! I'm not a hardware engineer =( I'm really worried. Don't even get me started about next week. Two more tests, as well as a presentation on Data Mining and its theoretical efficiencies! It's like a cusp time in my life, but I feel like if I can survive the next two weeks, it'll all pass.
It's times like these that I wish I had that special someone in my life. Not only to have some one there to reassure me but also for me to share my joys and tribulations with. Someone to come home to after a hard day and see her smile and know that it's the small things that count. It's depressing knowing that I really have no one to share in my successes except for myself.
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Thursday, November 7, 2002 |
Dang it. I had been so good over the past few weeks. And it all ended today. Recently, L had pissed me off, so I decided to avoid her and not have to deal with her pointless mind games. I went out of my way to avoid her. In fact, it worked so well, today was the first time I saw her in over two weeks. But today, she walked into the class I was teaching and sat down right where I was. We got to talking and it just made me realize how annoying she really is. I mean as a person, she's great. I'd definitely like to go out with her sometime. But as a manipulative girl, she's so damn irritating. I hate mind games! If you like me, don't turn down my advances. Don't be giving me slack as you reel me in. And if you don't like me, don't let me get too far. Shoot me down instead of leading me on. Either way, it pisses me off, and sometimes I wonder why I even bother. Why aren't there any sincere girls around?
I've somehow built this reputation at school that I don't really like. She told me that there's an image of me around most of the department, and I quote, "You're like one of the best, if not the top, student in the whole department..." Where did this false image come from? I'm just normal me, nothing to be talking about. Frankly, all I think that does is set me up on a pedestal that I can't possibly remain and I'm bound to fall, disappointing those around me. It's gotten ridiculous, to the point where people I've never even seen before starts asking me for help, or seem to know my life story even though we've never met. It's quite daunting to tell the truth, and what makes it worse is that now I can't even get the peace and quiet to do my own work.
Yet another reason why I hate being labeled at the top is that countless people are out to get me. What did I ever do to them? There's this Chinese guy I know. Typical FOB with the Asian mentality that he has to be the best. A lot of people I know say he's so annoying and has a horrible attitude. And for some reason, he's made it his goal to try and impress me and beat me at every possible thing. He presents me with brain teasers, asks me questions that he thinks I don't know, and always compares his test scores with mine. Sadly for him, he's never beaten me, and even now, I'm leading him convincingly in all our classes. Hey buddy, knowledge may be one thing, but wisdom is another.
Besides, I'm sure he works ten times harder than I do. If I put in twenty hours a day, I'd be a fool not to get good grades! So why bother bragging? And to make matters worse, he flaunts his intelligence in class, at the expense of others. Say for example in lecture, the professor is going over some material. This guy will always burst out the answer in a manner that shows his impatience with the subject, as if it were no challenge. What the heck? Just because you get it doesn't mean there are those in the class that don't. After all, this is an Advanced Algorithms course. And even though I get it, you don't see me sighing and mocking the teacher complaining that the subject matter is too easy! If it were so, why are so many people getting low grades? Some people just have no respect for others. Frankly, I don't see him as confident and intelligent, I see him as cocky and irritating. True intelligence is knowing when to keep your mouth shut and letting your actions speak for you =)
Sorry for the rant, but I don't like people who think they are better than others. Deep down, we're all the same. Last happy news for the day. Remember that competition I wrote about a few days ago? The one where the top three winners would be chosen to represent the school at the regional competitions between other universities? It was tonight, and guess what? I won... yeah me! Just kidding, I think I just got lucky =) Anyway, next Saturday I head on down to Riverside to compete with the likes of schools such as Harvey Mudd, UCSD, UCLA (ewww), UCI (double ewww), and USC (yeah!) just to name a few. Winners there will head to Nationals in Hawaii! But one step at a time, and besides, there's no way I could possibly win there, so I'm just in it for the fun experience. Should be fun! I must remember to take pictures =)
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Tuesday, November 5, 2002 |
Did all you people in the US vote today? I find everyone's apathetic attitude towards voting frightening. After all, isn't it supposed to be a privilege? One of the benefits of living in a free society? It's sad to see that the majority of people out there take their free will for granted so much. I may not be up to date with all the politics as I could be, but at least I feel honored to be given the opportunity to have a say on how my community is governed and blessed to be given a chance to express my opinions. Enough said.
I saw ET last night. I hadn't seen it in years and with the release of the DVD, I took the opportunity to pick up the ultimate gift set. It set me back 50 big ones, but for a movie of that caliber, I thought it was completely worth it. Seeing it again brought a smile to my face, and even now after all these years, watching it still brings a tear to my eye. I think its charm lies in its ability to transport us back to a simpler time, when the world wasn't so complicated and we were happy and content. It allows us to escape our harsh realities and jump into a life that is so pure of joy and love.
I had a quick break between classes today and so I stopped by KFC for dinner. The cashier was this cute Vietnamese girl. It's funny because my idea of cute is usually very different that what others would think as being cute. I can't even explain it sometimes. There's always something intangible that sets those that I think are cute from every one else. She may not be pretty or beautiful in the traditional sense, but she has that quality that makes me take notice. Cute smile and sparkling eyes. Anyway, so I thought she was cute and it turns out we struck up a small little conversation. Next thing I know, she gives me a large drink, which I didn't order... quite kewl I though, and nice of her too. Now is it wrong to pursue a girl while she's working? I mean that would make me a total goober right? Anyway, that was it, nothing big, just a nice little side story that happened that I thought I'd share. I'm still looking for the right girl out there...
Switching subjects... computers. My life is getting more and more wrapped up in them, and yet it seems no one really knows what it is that I do. I'm like Chandler from Friends. Everyone knows that I work with computers, but what is it exactly? Oh well, I'll add to the list of mysterious aspects of my life for others to figure out! =)
Adding to my list of ambitious projects, here's an idea that crossed my mind when I was trying to bridge the gap between my bio and premed education and my computer science training. We all know that the human brain works with electrical signals and produces brain waves right? Be it alpha waves, beta waves, or delta waves, when it all comes down to it, it's still nothing but electrical waves. Now take cell phones. All the communication that's spreading across the world today is through waves. Now wouldn't it be cool if I can get my PhD, some funding, and then spent the rest of my life trying to build a device that would amplify brain waves, converting them into the microwaves of cell phones? Imagine the result... instant telepathy! No need for phones anymore. We can just think messages to each other. Of course, at that point, you can even eliminate speaking. Trippy eh?
So this Thursday is the programming competition that will pick those to represent the school at the regional contest. Winners there head off to Hawaii for the Nationals, but one step at a time of course. Wish me luck! All of my training and practice these past few years has been leading up to this moment. Then again, I'm bound to freeze! It's just like me to breeze through things when they don't count, only to blank out when the game is on the line!
I've been having very weird dreams lately. For example, the other night I dreamt that I was leaving all my loved ones, as if I was heading off, possibly to war. Somehow I had the feeling that me leaving was extremely important for everyone. I wonder about dreams a lot. Are they more than mere manifestations of our worries and desires? I swear that many of my dreams have come true, it's become quite eerie. And can we really control our dreams? I've been thinking a lot about how the human mind works. I always joke about someday inventing a dream imaging device so that we can get images from our dreams into real life, like onto a monitor or projection set so that others can see what we see. Or hooking up a computer to my brain so that I can control what I see and store my memories forever. That way, I can see those loved ones that have long disappeared from my life, those that I no longer have a conscious memory of and where I can no longer see their face...
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Star light, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Dream the one I love tonight. |
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Monday, November 4, 2002 |
Last week was pretty grueling. Most of the week was spent doing work for school, i.e. projects for classes, homework assignments, reading articles, and preparation for midterms. In a way, I was kind of glad to have so much to do that I could barely fit in time to update this site. Work gets my mind of my everyday troubles. It lets me escape my daily heartaches so that I can find time to feel better. I've gathered my strength and channeled my energies elsewhere, and now I guess I'm back to my usually self. Instead of letting hurtful words affect me, I'm trying to set them aside and do what I have to do. Of course, life always hits you when you're down, but the only thing you can do is to keep fighting for that fresh gasp of air.
So the weekend finally arrived and I hung out with my buddies. It's always funny seeing the different personalities that each person has. For example, by friend DT is always looking for that "hot" girl. After al these years, I've still failed to make him realize that there's more to a girl than just her body. Ironically, it's he who's had more success with females lately. It just goes to show that nice guys do indeed end up last. Because I refuse to play girls, I end up losing to the playas out there when it comes to getting someone's attention.
Oh well, in all honesty, it's no big loss. I look around me and all I see are girls that are either shallow, fake, or insincere. In some cases, they're all of the above! Then I think to myself that the right girl will come along one of these days and love me for who I am instead of what I have or what I can do. A girl that won't punish me for being too nice. And then I smile. I can dream, can't I? =)
Here's a thinker. Can love be a fact or a mere goal that we all aspire to? Thanks to all those who wrote inspiring and encouraging words to me this past few weeks! |
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