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Saturday, October 26, 2002 |
Sometimes I think I'm living in the wrong era. In another other age, another time, I would have been called an idealist, a romantic. But here and now, I'm just seen as stubborn, maybe even naive. I wish I could step out of my life and see the world from a distant perspective, through someone else's eyes. In a different time maybe.
Then again, don't we all wish we were someone else once in a while? As I sat in my yard today looking up at the stars, I remembered how trivial everything really is. How insignificant we all are. I mean we all like to believe that what we do matters in the grand scheme of life, but in all honesty, no one ever remembers you as time passes. We're all insignificant specks, bound to be dragged along in the current of life uncontrollably.
And I guess that's why we just have to make the most with the time we have. I've been through too many pains and disappointments in my life already, and recent events are nothing new. In fact, I should be used to it all by now.
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Friday, October 25, 2002 |
Why does life seem to kick you when you're down? To just compound pains at one instant? I didn't think that things would get much worse, but this morning I was woken up to realization that something came in the middle of the night and ate my beloved fish! The scene looked like an animal had sloshed its way through the pond, uprooting the plants that I had tenderly placed with care. Over half of my fish were eaten, leaving nothing but bones and dismembered body parts floating in the water or laying on the ground. Those that remained were so frightened they wouldn't even come out to feed. What hurt most of all was that the pair that I so lovingly rescued and raised from the research labs years ago were among those that were eaten =(
People tell me I'm too sensitive, and I'm sure because of that, I don't get the respect that I do from girls. But I don't really care what others see me as. Even though they were nothing but simple goldfish, they were my fish, ones that I've grown so attached too. My love for them started from the day I brought them home as little babies. Slowly the days passed and they grew into large fish, swimming freely back and forth between the lilies. And yet now looking at the pond, I get such a lonely feeling, like a part of its spirit has been torn.
And at that point, I wanted to cry, to fall to my knees and just break down. Sadly though, I had no tears left to give. I've already cried a stream of tears the past few days that my soul just can't bleed any more.
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Thursday, October 24, 2002 |
I woke up at 6:30 AM this morning, showered, and promptly left the house. By 7:00 AM, I was already on the road. I guess I didn't feel like being at home. I had hoped to see the sunrise, but the morning was filled with nothing but a gloomy overcast that all you could see was an endless horizon of grayness.
How fitting I thought, so similar to the way my spirit feels right now. I don't feel like I have the strength to go on sometimes. Why do I do all that I do? The futility of it all?
I didn't leave school until 10:30 PM and yet still I drove around endlessly before returning home, not wanting to return to my life...
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Wednesday, October 23, 2002 |
Nothing I do will ever be good enough. I'll always be a failure and a horrible son...
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Monday, October 21, 2002 |
My fish have babies! To be more insightful, let me explain. A dew years ago, I rescued a pair of goldfish from the Biology labs at UCI. They were supposed to be disposed off after the experiment, but I hate killing needlessly so I brought them home. At first I kept them in a small aquarium, but then they got too big and so I got a bigger tank. This past summer they got too big even for that so I decided to release them in my backyard pond. I was always hesitant before out f fear of them being eaten my turtle or some cat, the harsh weather conditions, and water quality problems. Any way, they turned out hardier than I expected, and so I added a few more goldfish that I got from a local pet store to the scene.
| Evidently they liked their new habitat or their new company because as I was sitting their this weekend feeding them, I noticed a small school of small fry swimming around! Such a simple thing like that made me so happy =) It just goes to show how much I enjoy the simple things in life. I've been told that I have a healing hand with animals, and that I'm good at raising them. |
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Of course my mom just goes and uses that against me, saying that I should become a doctor because of this. Raising fish and turtles is one thing, amputating someone's arm off is totally different! Anyway, I know they won't survive because the turtle's bound to eat such small fish, but at least I know to prepare for next year.
Since I was pressured whilst growing up, and even still to this point, it was inevitable that my sister would also receive a good dose of coercion. She's in the middle of her applications to college right now. I came home today to the sound of my mom telling my sister that she should become a pediatrician, or at least a pharmacist. What gives? What's with the Asian mentality of forcing your children to live your dreams? Does it matter that it might be something she's not good at, or doesn't enjoy? Oh well, it's been going around for thousands of years, so I doubt this manner or acting will change any time soon.
On a completely different note, I hate it when people challenge me. I don't mean challenge as in bringing out my best, I mean challenge me as in outright telling me that I'm not capable of doing something. Never ever tell me that! If anything it just pisses me off more, so that I spend every ounce of spirit and mind to prove you wrong. And when I end up doing so, I don't even bother saying I told you so. The look on your face is enough =)
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Sunday, October 20, 2002 |
I saw a quote today saying that the average man dies at 56, leaving his widow and kids. Kind of depressing, knowing that you won't be around to share in the love and joy that you've created. Then I hear about yet another sniper shooting. Life seems so cruel at times that I swear we're living in Hell and this is some sort of punishment for actions caused in a previous life. How else can you explain the fact that life is nothing but pain, that even in the end, all that you love will be taken from you and you exit this life as you enter it, alone?
So guess who I ran into today while eating Pho down in Little Saigon? Videoland girl! For those of you who don't know, she's the first girl that I would admit to having any serious feelings for. I had this huge crush on her ever since I was a freshman in high school until my days at UCI. And the weird thing is that I knew almost nothing about her! Pretty long time for a girl I barely knew! I first saw her working at my local video store and I didn't even know her real name! At UCI we ended up talking a bit, but we never really got to know each other, partly because I was so shy and partly because the circumstances were never right. It was one of those weird attractions that first called me towards her, and from the moment I laid eyes on her, I was hooked. Even to this day, I'm told that a lot of girls that I'm attracted to are like her in some way. It's almost synonymous with MCAT girl, and yet completely different in a way. Every girl that I've ever fallen for has been the result of us spending time together, or developing a relationship so that I gradually fall for them. But not Videoland girl. She was different. A love at first sight if you will, except nothing ever came of it.
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I still can't figure out what it was that I saw in her or what it is that I still see in her. I've heard comments that range from "she's not nice" to "she's not cute" but when it all comes down to it, I really don't know her at all! She could any of those things, or all of those things. All I know is that there has always been some unknown force that drives me to notice her. BTW, she's Catholic too. Why is that all the girls that I like are Catholic? Are there no Buddhist girls that I find appealing? Or is it that she just hasn't drawn my attention yet?
Seeing her was pretty kewl, and I must admit that I still find her very adorable. And if given the opportunity, I'm sure I'd go out with her. But it would just be a casual date. Nothing serious. I don't feel for her the same way as I used to. She's lost some of that aura that used to draw me like a magnet Maybe the time's past, or maybe there's another that's holding that special place in my heart now. |
Whatever the reason, I started thinking about destiny. Fate. Sometimes I get the feeling that my life is being controlled by some outside force, manipulation me in one way or another, toying with my emotions, all in the grand scheme of things, or for a greater good. Why is that I met her and fell for her so long ago, only to have nothing come out of it? Was it a learning experience? Was it a sign that I didn't heed?
Which gets me to ponder about my current situation. Was I meant for this path in life? Seeing her today gave me a weird feeling like my life isn't where it should be, that somewhere along the line I took a wrong turn. Am I where I'm destined to be? Did things happen for a reason, and am I where I am today so that the next step in my life can take place? If you really think about it, the sheer number of people we miss out on is enormous. Why is it then that we are destined to meet certain people? Why was it that I left UCI only meet L at Long Beach? And why was it that MCAT girl was out of my life for so long, only to step back in at the most opportune time?
Life is about turning points. I had gone back in time and gone out with her, I might never have met my ex or MCAT girl. So who am I missing out now by not moving on? I sometimes sit and wonder if my soul mate is out there, and if I've already missed my chance to meet her this lifetime. Maybe that explains the empty feeling I have sometimes.
I heard your voice the other day, and I must say that hearing it always brings a smile to my face. It's as if joy and happiness were something concrete, that I could wrap myself in, or something that could be bottled that I can open and enjoy any time I wish. Your actual voice is one of the things that actually surpasses what it is that I hold in my memories. And yet I wonder why we weren't meant to be together. Sometimes I think it's a test, a trial of some sort. Maybe a journey that we must go through, spanning lifetime over lifetime. By being apart, our spirits can grow closer together, so that in some other lifetime, our love can be allowed to bloom and flourish.
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Saturday, October 19, 2002 |
There's been a lot happening in the news lately that's made me reflect upon life, and more importantly on human nature. Did you know that in the 226 years that the United States has been a sovereign nation, it has never launched a preemptive strike on another country? Any war that we've been in has always been the result of either defending ourselves or one of our allies. It seems like the system of checks and balances that our forefathers set up to prevent an imbalance of power is being cast aside in the name of bipartisanship. In an effort to show our unanimity, we've given the President so much power and leniency that I fear the rest of the world will view us a power hungry nation that is so arrogant in its superiority that it feels it has the right to act without the world's approval. Moreover, any strike without the approval of the majority of our allies ends up making us look like bullies, further strengthening any hatred that's already held toward us by many third world countries! Sometimes it seems like Bush is so wrapped up in starting a war that he has failed to address other important issues that's bringing down this country, like its slumping economy.
Thinking about the situation today, I liken America to ancient Rome. There isn't a corner of the world that doesn't have our influence or our affluence. But that's why I worry. Like the Roman Empire, we've become so powerful that we've spread our forces too thin. Instead of a dominant fist, our image is of a thin hand spreading too far and too wide. Eventually, there isn't enough resources to maintain the integrity of it all, and the system collapses under its own weight.
Am I being too pessimistic? I hope so. But for some reason, it seems like human nature to destroy ourselves. Across one of my recent readings, I came across a passage that I find a little too eerie, especially when taken in the context that these words were written long before any of the troubles that we've come across today surfaced.
It often commences with bright hope and bursts of amazing creativity, attracting clever immigrants from all over... Excitement and individualism flower from town to town, bringing a wild divergence of never-before-see blooms. "Innovation" abruptly becomes a compliment, not an insult. Novel technologies stimulate predictions of utopia, just around the bend.
But soon trouble starts. Some untested breakthroughs implode. Others wreak unforeseen consequences that their creators never imagined. Diseases spread alongside unprecedented perversions, while each new style of deviance is defended with indignant righteousness. Cliques proclaim the right to fortify their independence with violence, along with the duty to suppress others they disapprove of... Cities start to fill with soot and flames. Rioters sack the hard work of centuries, screaming the slogans for ephemeral causes no one will remember when the smoke clears. Trade collapses. Economies slump. And citizens rediscover an ancient knack for bloody war.
One feature of chaos outbreaks was a remarkable tendency for enthusiasts to transform into fanatics, so utterly sure of their own righteousness that they were willing to die or slaughter others over fine points of ideology... that brought such worlds crashing down.
- Foundation's Triumph |
This passage speaks about a disease that strikes humanity. Times of prosper and bloom are followed by deadly chaos outbreaks, where the world is thrown into terrible times. It's something that's innately in our character, serving to hold us down. How else can you explain periods of barbarism where innovation grinds to a halt, like the Dark Ages?. Even the present situation is too similar to disregard. The bright hope and bursts of amazing creativity it speaks of is the recent technological breakthroughs that propelled the world throughout the 90's. Computers revolutionized the way people communicate and it signaled the start of the information age. But it grew too fast and without restraint, and now it seems to have crashed. Technology that was supposed to help us remain at peace have only served to makes us less secure. Personal privacy has become a great concern, as well as national security. The situation is exactly as the words describe, with cliques that act out of a sense of self righteousness, destroying the hard works of centuries, and leading others into a world of fighting and war.
I don't know if mankind is really stricken with some mechanism to always keep us down, but it breaks my heart to see the evil that lies dormant in men's hearts. Look at technologies such as nuclear warfare and genetic cloning. Sometimes I think there are things that we're meant not to know. Humanity in itself is inherently capable of so much evil that it only seems natural that there exists some method to keep us in check. If we were to realize our full potential, the dangers that arise would be incomprehensible.
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Thursday, October 17, 2002 |
I had a pretty sh*tty day today. It started out well enough, but by the end of the day, I was feeling horrible and I couldn't wait to get out of school. First off, I don't understand student mentalities sometimes. Just because I'm a teacher's aid for several hours a day doesn't mean that I'm there 24/7 to answer their every beck and call. Most of the time, people realize this, and if they do have a question, it's pretty short, and if I can, I'm very much obliged to offer my assistance But some people just don't seem to see the fact that I'm just a student! I don't get paid and I have classes of my own, so don't be treating me like I owe you anything. What makes matters worse are those students who don't even listen to a word I say and just pester me so they can get an answer.
I had this one guy today hound me literally for hours. At first I tried to be reasonable and a good teacher, easing towards the direction of the goal without outright telling him the answer. But as it seemed clear to me that he wasn't understanding, I started telling him more and more about what he should do. By the end of three hours, I was flat out giving him the answer, yet the guy still wouldn't do any thinking on his own! I told what he needed to do, and all he needed to do was figure out the syntax of how to write it, yet he wouldn't even try! All he would do is sit there, looking all pissed, then call me over again. I tell him that he needs to learn the tools before he can start building, but the guy just doesn't seem to understand the concept of learning through trial! He kept typing in gibberish that made no sense and just served to make my blood boil. I hate people who expect to be babied through everything. Think! Do your own damn work I wanted to say!
Sorry about ranting, but I just hate it when I lose patience with people. In order to push me to the brink, you pretty much have to be both lazy and stupid. Stupid is not a big deal, because everyone's dumb in one thing or another. Lazy is fine, as long as you realize I'm not going to do the work for you either. But both, that just pushes me over, especially when they expect me to solve the entire problem for them, as if it were my civic duty or some bull like that. So after hours of torment by him and a few others, I finally gave up and said I had to go. I had intended to retreat and go do some of my projects, but I had such a huge headache that I just relaxed for a while in the hallways. Even there, people came up to me asking questions! I wanted to pull out my hair!
When I finally got to work, the stuff just seemed to pile on and on. There was a problem with my Software Engineering group, a misunderstanding of responsibilities. I accepted the fault as the lead programmer, but in all honesty, it's hard to give people their assignments if they aren't there! Maybe I'm taking on too much, but it seems like my world is caving in on me. I have projects upon projects coming up, deadlines to meet, assignments to finish! Things that make no sense to anyone else, I'm supposed to master! Data mining, PD algorithm, DFD's, STD's delayed branching, use cases, data forwarding, risk analysis, management oversight... stuff that I shouldn't be doing in one semester is beginning to take it's toll! It was 11 when I finally got out of there, and having spent over 14 hours at school, I was so glad to get out of there! I came home, too drained to even eat. I just busted out my can of root beer, slid low in my chair, and sipped my troubles away. Yup.
Needing an escape, I've been sitting here for quite some time, and slowly I've regained my composure. I've continued reading my book. It reminds me so much of you, and in that, I am able to get a sense of peace and tranquility, justifying all that I go through. I wish I were able to share my day with you, to feel that it has meaning. I smile and think of what could have been as I read the words... Always ready with hearty laughter, and yet defending his creative time as if it were more precious than diamonds, guarding his happiness more fiercely than her own life...
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Wednesday, October 16, 2002 |
The little things in life are what matters. Like in relationships, all the little things can add up to become bigger than any single event or single sign. And in very much the same way, all the little knocks that my family remark about me have only served to make me question the direction of my life. Last night as I lay in bed, I started contemplating the steps required to apply to Med School again. In fact, I actually got out and get online and started doing some research. The deadline is two weeks away, which means I still have time.. and then I actually started filling out the AAMCAS application again. As I sat there going over the details of the application, I remembered back to how happy I was when I decided that medicine wasn't for me. And here I am contemplating a return to it. I mean that's pretty much dooming the rest of my life to being unhappy.
I must say that my family has really pushed me to the limit for me to consider going back at this stage in my life. True, I'm still young, and if I went back, I'd be a doctor by the time I'm 28. But that isn't the point. Why can't they see that I'm in a field that I love and enjoy, and that I'm excelling at? Why must I follow in my Dad's footsteps? Aren't I my own person? I swear, sometimes I think that if he's looking down on me right now, he'd shed a tear at how unfairly I'm judged and for some of the things that are said to me...
I think part of the reason that I've been feeling down is that I'm missing that special person in my life. I'm still looking for that sweet girl out there who will love me for me, and support me in the decisions that I make. I mean come on, what kind of girl wouldn't want to be with a doctor? But the girl who looks past all that, who doesn't see a failed potential but sees a risk taker and a dreamer, and actually loves me more for it, that's what I want. I think I'm destined to be alone. *Sigh* I miss you. It's times like this when I miss the sound of your voice...
I've been trying to take on a lot of things lately, mostly to clear up my mind and get me off this state of dejection. I have a lot of projects that I seem to be juggling, and there's a lot going on in school too. Outside of that, I find myself drawing and reading a lot. I find it relaxes my mind and lets me be creative. Plus, reading lets me expand my vocabulary. After all, spending the last 2 years in Computer Science and 4 years prior to that in the Biological Sciences doesn't exactly let me practice better English usage! As I read some of my papers which I wrote back in my AP English days in high school, I find that my vocabulary has shrunken significantly, and I no longer write with such eloquence as I used to. If anything, my language has started to stutter and is no longer elegant. I blame UCI for that =) I like writing here because it lets loose my creative thoughts in an otherwise technical day.
It's funny because I had a midterm in Java today. Not to mean any disrespect to the teacher or the subject, but I've never been more lackadaisical about test in my life. I literally did not pick up a book, open my notes, or go over any problems in preparation for the test. Simply put, I just went to class, took the test, finished in like twenty minutes and walked out. I'm sure I got an A, if not a perfect score. In fact, if I don't get near a 100, I'll be pissed =) Anyway, to make matters worse, I found out that this class doesn't even count towards my GPA because I'm a graduate student, so all I need to do is pass. No offense to anyone having a hard time in that class, but that test was so easy, monkeys could have passed! Oh well, I better not jinx myself or get too arrogant now! See, this is why I need a girl, not only to support me when I'm down, but also to keep me in check when my head gets too big =)
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Tuesday, Octover 15, 2002 |
Being at the top is a position I don't like sometimes. You have no place to go but down, and high expectations are always placed on your shoulders. Everyone is out to prove you wrong or try to beat you. For example, after every test, people would come up to me, asking me how I did, trying to see if they did better than me. Why do they do that? To make themselves feel better if I do bad or to humiliate me if they beat me? When I tell them my score, they smile and say good job, but I know deep down they're like "Damn, how the hell does he get such high scores?" It's gotten to the point where I just smile and say I did ok, so people don't feel bad, but somehow it always gets around. Even when I think I do bad, people refuse to believe me. Sometimes people would try to offer me a problem that they think is extremely challenging, just to see if I could solve it. I think to myself why they're doing this. Why is there in some individuals this compelling nature to be the best? Frankly, I think it sets you up for nothing but disappointment, because after all, there will always be someone out there better than you.
Anyway, I've learned to accept my status at school as some programming machine or computer science know it all. If anything, it's good to know that they are people out there who respect my abilities and support me when I do well. In a way, I should be flattered that there are those out there who think o highly of me. The friends that I've developed while in this Master's program never knew me as anything but who I am. They haven't judged me or labeled me in any way, versus those who've known me for so long, expecting me to follow a preordained route in my life.
I guess it's this dichotomy that gets me through the day. At school I can let loose and show what I've learned without feeling the consternation of family or friends. I can flex my guns and know that not only are they listening to me, but that they're also interested and understand what I'm talking about as well. I can relax and do what I enjoy (or sleep when I don't) and still feel like my life isn't a failure. I know there are those there that appreciate what I do and actually enjoy taking part in the same activities that I do. That all changes when I step back into my normal life, where the constant buzzing of the medical profession still sting at my ears.
I wonder sometimes if I should just go back to Med school and get that stupid degree. With my grades and recommendations, I'm sure I could go back. Maybe then everyone will ease off and let me live my own life. I just don't get this Asian mentality. So I become a doctor. Does that change the type of person I am or the morals and values that I hold? To be happy but tortured, or sad and free. What kind of choice is that?
On a closing note, I did pretty well on my last Algorithms midterm. I hadn't received my score, but I should have known it was pretty good when a professor I know told me that he heard that I was doing well in that class. Anyway, I ended being the high, and even got some extra points for proving one of the answers was wrong. But anyway, that wasn't the point. What came out of this was that one of the professors then asked for me by name, or so I'm told, to aid him in a research project he's doing. If I'm interested, I would do the project and paper, and then do several presentations at the end of the year. Assuming I do well there, the whole process would exempt me from having to take the comprehensive exams required for a Master's Degree, plus I would get a product to place on my resume. I've been published before, and I've had to do hour long presentations in front of MD's when I was working at the hospital as a student researcher, so I figured how bad can this be? I mean if I can pull off Biology research papers, which I don't like, this should be a lot easier. Still I'm a little concerned. Can I pull it off in such a short time frame? After all, I plan to be out by May. And I'm good, but am I that good? Hmm, what do you think?
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Sunday, October 13, 2002 |
Yesterday the family gathered to celebrate my cousin's birthday. Though seeing my aunts and uncles is always a blessing, I never seem to walk away from these things without feeling miserable. Every time my family meets, they always get on my case about becoming a doctor. If it isn't pressure of leaving computer science and going back to med school, then it's little comments about how I'm a failure or what not. What happened was that there was this conversation going on about the family estate in Vietnam. Apparently a lot of my ancestors are buried on the family plot over there, and as time has gone on, the land has shifted and has disrupted the burial sites, especially with all the rain and humidity. So my aunts and uncles are talking about retrofitting the tombs and what not, so that my grandparents and their parents and etc can continue to rest in peace. That's just the background of the conversation. Anyway, here's the point. Because my family is really superstitious, one of my aunts said that perhaps since one of those tombs is disrupted, it's bringing back luck to the family, and then she goes and says something like that's why I couldn't become a doctor!
When she said that, I felt a sharp pain in my heart! I mean I'm sitting right there! Moreover, it was my decision not to go, not some supernatural power! And what made it worse is that I knew my Mom was thinking the same thing. *Sigh* I know I'll ever be good enough for them. It doesn't matter how well I do in school, how high my GPA is, and what honors I get. It's not med school so it's no big deal. It doesn't matter how far I get in life, or how successful I become. Nothing short of that MD is good enough, and because of that, I'll always feel like a failure in their eyes. It's disheartening to see the looks in their eyes. Their mouths utter support, but the look shows their true feelings. They fail to see that I enjoy computer science so much more than med school, or if they see it, they choose not to care. I just wish they would forgive me and accept me for who I am and stop knocking me like this.
I've grown to despise the Asian mentality of it all, the double standard of things. It's not just school either, where I get pressured into med school despite standing at the head of my class. No matter what I do, I get picked on. For instance, I don't drink. I don't enjoy alcohol at all. But do I get commended for that? No, I get yelled at for drinking soda. I don't go clubbing or out to late night parties. Do I get commended for that? No, I get yelled at for staying up late at night. When it comes to responsibilities and dependencies, I do all that's required despite the fact that I'm not the oldest nor the richest. I just happen to be the responsible one, so that all gets asked upon me. And yet it's still not good enough, I'm still the disrespectful son that needs constant tutelage so that I become a good man. Where's all this pressure on those around me?
Look at relationships. I've been told to finish school and then look for a girl. All that constant barrage of forbidding relationships has only served to isolate me from my female friends. And now that school is over, now what? I go to work. How many people am I going to be able to meet there?
My studies, my looks, my life, it's all something that people can analyze and pick apart. They'll never be happy with who I am and they always find something to complain to me about. They're all trying to mold me into this perfect person, and sometimes I just feel like crying out loud. Why don't you accept me for who I am and what I am? Why must you always make me feel lower than I deserve? I think that's why I keep this journal, to vent my frustrations, so that I don't have to kill myself by bottling it all in.
People look at me and they see someone always smiling, always willing to lend a helping hand. But they don't see the pains that I carry inside. What pain you ask? What's the big deal, because wouldn't people kill to be in my shoes, to have the choices I have? All I can say is that living a life where nothing you do is good enough, no matter how high you go, is living a life where you can never be happy. It's like being in a relationship where you know the other person doesn't love you. You try to carry on and you try to smile, and though some days you succeed in laughing, deep down you'll always be crying.
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Thursday, October 10, 2002 |
I had the dream the other night, and all I could remember was three numbers: 5, 33, and 39. It's weird, because I remember back in my Neurobiology and Psychology days at UCI, I learned that it's impossible to see numbers in your dreams. Why? Well, the brain is divided into two halves, the left side and the right side. The left side of the brain is what gives us the ability to analyze, use words, and work with numbers. Cognition of numbers comes from the left brain. The right side of the brain, however, is known as the creative side, including the arts, and in this case, dreaming. You see, dreaming occurs from activity on the right side of the brain, so it's not possible to see numbers. You may remember numbers, or know that you know them, but you'll never actually see them. So me seeing those numbers was out of the ordinary. Trippy huh? Anyway, I took that strange incidence as a sign and went to play the lottery the next day. You may view it as scary or you may view it as cool, but the numbers were right! Too bad I didn't dream six numbers, otherwise I'd be a millionaire! =)
I'll never understand why girls play hard to get. Say they like a guy, and he asks them out. Why on Earth would they refuse, just so they can see if he tries again? I mean why risk him giving up? If the guy has the nerves and the courage to spill himself in front of you, have the decency to be honest back and don't play games.
Following that line of thought, how many times must a guy try before giving up? I mean say he pursues a girl, and at first she doesn't really respond to him. Then eventually she starts softening up, but she still doesn't do anything. How long does he go and how many times does he have to call her up and ask her out, only to be refused? At what point does he give up and realize this just isn't worth it anymore, especially if she's not being fair to me?
As I walk through the halls of school, it seems like a lot of people know me. Teachers I've never had. Students and people I've never met. Case in point: I was standing around talking to a friend when these two people walk by. Apparently she knows them, because she says hi to them, and then looks at me and asks if I know them as well. I reply that I've seen their faces but I don't know their names and we haven't officially met or anything. They reply back that "You're so and so, that graduate student in the Master's Program right? The one that went to UCI?" I'm sitting here thinking to myself how on Earth do they know this? And it's not just them, because apparently all new people I meet already know me. Why is that I wonder? Is someone spreading bad rumors about me?
Sometimes I wonder if people would even talk to me if I couldn't help them in someway. I mean every time I talk to someone, it feels as if I can help them out in some way, or they're in need of something. That's not really the measure of friendship is it? I mean what happens when a class is over, or when something is fixed, or when some project is done? Will they still be interested in me as a person? I makes me wonder if I was just an average student, with nothing special to offer, would I be so well known in school? Kind of sad when you think about it.
So I was into school today. I get up to the third floor and as I turn the corner, I notice this guy standing at the door to the computer labs, just peeking in through the door crack as it opens and closes. Yup, it's the Big D. This guy is such a perv! I think to myself, that since he's standing there, it must mean that there's a girl inside the lab somewhere. And more importantly, since he seems overly happy for some reason, like he's getting off somehow, that must mean L is in there. He turns around and sees me approaching so he tries to play it cool, like he's inspecting the door. Give me a break! I'm not blind you old fool! So what do I do? I walk straight into the lab, looking for L. Sure enough, she was sitting there at one of the study tables. I walk right up to her and sit down next to her. Seeing the ease with which I talked to her must have really pissed him off, because he came walking in right after that. He circles a few times, pretending to look at computers, then she stumbles by L when I'm not watching and blurts out a hi to her. Get back to work sicko!
Later during the day, L and I have a good laugh about how nasty he is. I mean he's married, and probably has kids already too. That poor wife of his. She then asks me if there's anyone "new" around that he could start eyeing. In Computer Science? Please, girls in CS are rare enough as it is, not to mention cute girls. I give her my condolences as I laugh and tell her that he's still fixated on her, asking questions trying to figure out why she's no longer around that much. I wonder if she likes all the attention she gets? Don't all girls like attention after all?
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Tuesday, October 8, 2002 |
I've been getting a lot of signs lately. I've never been one to be too superstitious, but when so many things have been going a certain way, I can't help but think that maybe I should do something.
So what have I been doing to get to sleep lately? It's weird, but I've been watching a lot of war movies. In the past week I've seen Pearl Harbor, Saving Private Ryan, Glory, and The Patriot. I don't know why, but I think watching these movies reminds me about the frailty of life, and that in these times where so many of us are worried about how we look or what we have, we should realize those things that are really important. I should care or focus on those things that are so trivial and meaningless and instead I should focus on what's good in people.
Hmmm, more on this tomorrow. As for now, I really should hit the sack. It's that time of the year where the first rounds of tests come by, and I have a really big midterm tomorrow, one that I'm a little worried about, so wish me luck! I know, no one ever believes me when I worry, but I do. So wish me luck! =) |
Monday, October 7, 2002 |
Funny thing happened at school today. The roof collapsed Okay, not that serious, but it was pretty bad, or so I heard. I got to class in the afternoon today, since my Mondays are only late afternoon and night classes, and I notice that the elevators are out of commission. This one guy is standing next to some hose that's leading into the elevator, and so I assume he's doing some regular maintenance or something. I proceed to walk up the 4 flights of stairs, which is no easy task for a bum like me =) Just kidding of course. Anyway, I get up and as I walk around looking for my friends, I notice the ceiling tiles are gone. All I see are the pipes and wirings. I go into a lab and sit down, and in a bit, a teacher I know comes up and talks to me. Apparently, the water main broke during the morning and flooded the entire floor. The alarm went off and everyone had to evacuate. I guess I got to school right when it reopened. My luck huh? =)
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I'll never understand the girl persona. I've spent the past few years of my life getting over a very serious relationship, and during that time, no girl even enters my life. Not one. I don't even get a second look from anybody. And yet now, when my life seems like it's back in order, I'm faced with making decisions. For those of you who don't know, I've been through this before.
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It seems as if every time I'm ready to jump into a serious relationship, someone somewhere decides to play with me and makes me have to decide who I want to be with. The last time it happened, I was forced to decide between my ex and the legendary MCAT girl. In all honesty, there was no way for me to decide that time. Both girls were nice, friendly, attractive, funny, and smart. Sure, they had their strengths, but each also had her weaknesses. In the end, I didn't decide what to do based on how I felt or who I thought was the right person. My decision ended up being on complete external reasons. Distance. Maintenance. Etc. Stupid reasons that I've regretted ever since.
But to be honest, I doubt there was a right person. To this day, I still can't say whether I felt for one more than the other. It's like love for your parents. How can you love one more than the other? It makes no sense, I know, but I made my decision and I put my whole heart into it. Now the time has come again, and maybe because life has its ironies, I'm faced with a turning point in my life. Nothing can match how hard that decision was, however, because to be truthful, I haven't felt that way for either girl towards anyone since. But I still must decide if I should dwell in the past, holding out a faint hope of what may never be, or move into the future without being 100% sure. And am I willing to accept that choice whole heartedly, so that I can be fair to both her and myself?
I notice a lot of trends in movies lately. Sweet Home Alabama. Pearl Harbor. Serendipity. It seems that people no longer have to choose between a wrong person and a right person. That would be too easy. Now they're presented with two equally wonderful people, both of whom can make them happy and whom they love. Why is that? Is it because of how tough the situation is, that we like to see how others answer the question so that we ourselves have an example to follow?
So I guess you must be thinking I'm a playa by now. You'd be surprised how much I'm not, and in fact I'm the total opposite. If anything, I fall in love too easily, so that girls manipulate me too well. I've only dated two girls in my life, both of which lead to long term relationships. Two years. Three years. And yet in the end, both girls felt that they weren't ready for a commitment, so in essence, I guess I got played.
The whole point of this entry was to question my current situation. Why is that when one girl comes, they all come? Is it that I'm now a commodity, that they actually put some effort in? It's as if when you're single, they see a loser, one whom nobody would want. But if one girl is interested, they think there must be something there worth fighting for, and then go to work? I'm lost with no sense of direction in my life. Should I hold out for what's unattainable? Should I go for one whom I'm unsure of her sincerity? Should I forgive one for her mistakes? Should I get to know the one that's traditional? Or should I she whom everyone tells me is perfect for me? Things are no longer black and white. Whatever my choice, it's one that I must live with and one that once I take the step, there can be no reversal. Maybe I'm destined to be alone my entire life, searching for my soul mate... |
Thursday, October 3, 2002 |
What a weird day I had today, surprisingly uplifting if you must know. It's as if someone from above knows that I've been feeling down and decided to try and cheer me up. Let's begin with the morning. I had class extremely early this morning, and the day started out pretty bad. I woke up late and it seemed as if I was going to be late to school. Looking forward to the day, I knew I would be facing 13 straight hours at school with no break for even lunch. So naturally I was not looking forward to the day. As I panicked and rushed out the door, it should have known that life has it's way of playing nasty tricks on you. The drive to school was so pleasant I nearly feel asleep! No traffic in sight.
I get to school and I go looking my professor so that she can give me this week's assignment for my programming team practice. I've been feeling pretty good about myself, and even though I may be carrying my team, sitting there in the morning with my buddies is the most enjoyable time I have all week. I manage to solve one problem rather quickly, and that helped to boost my moral and confidence. While I'm working on the second problem, Kit Chan girl walks in. I guess it must have been obvious that I noticed her because both of my friends were laughing at me. As I get up to pass by her, she gives me a smile and I say hi, which is pretty cool considering we've never really met. Of course with a girl in the lab, that meant that Big D would be making his rounds. Like the sun rising in the morning, he came strutting in, predictable as ever. |
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After practice, I head on over to another lab to finish my Software Engineering presentation files. I've come to accept my leadership position, and in a way I feel really comfortable with it. I know that at least if something goes wrong, I'd be the first one who knows and therefore I'd be given ample time to finish. Plus I like to abuse power =)
So now my work is finished sooner than I anticipated, and I'm all feeling good about myself. I walk into the C++ class that I'm in charge of and this girl in one of my classes runs up to me asking me if I've seen her textbook which she had lost a few days ago. Obviously I haven't, but since I seem to hold a lot of the students' trust, I told her I'll see what I could do. As the next class walks in, I ask one of the guys that I remember sitting in that area if he had found a book. Amazingly, he had! So he handed it over, and I tried not to make him feel bad for keeping it instead of turning it in. After class, I found the girl and gave it back to her. She gave me a big smile and a hug, which is weird because I barely know her, but it felt really good deep down to be able to help out like that!
During my last C++ class, the teacher asked me to explain to the students about a problem they were having. I actually got to lecture to the class, which is definitely trippy when you realize that you have 30 eyes staring at you. Anyway, I think they got it because after that most were able to solve their problems. I feel bad sometimes that I can connect to the students and explain concepts to them easier to the professors, but what can I do? It's probably because I'm one of them that they talk to me so easily.
I finish with all the classes which I assist in, and so I leave, intending to go look for my friend so we can work on some homework. He ends up being busy, so I go into one of the Linux labs. As I walk in, guess who catches my eye again? Yep, it's Kit Chan girl again. Twice in one day, who would have thought? What made this time different was that she actually made a move to talk to me, and so I end up sitting next to her. We talk a bit and I actually find out her name, instead of some moniker that I've been using =) We make pleasant conversation, and I find out she's trying to join the programming team as well, recommended there by our mutual friend, the "little guy". Wow, first he gets L to talk to me, and now this, pretty kewl guy =P Too bad my practice is in the mornings and hers is at night! Oh well, can't have it all!
But that wasn't the best thing though! Half way through our conversation, my phone suddenly rings. I rarely leave my phone on in class, and so it caught me by surprise. I pick it up, and as I hear the voice on the other end, my heart lifts itself in a way that it hasn't felt in years. A smile spread across my face so wide that anyone who saw me must have thought I was high on something. And so I excused myself from Kit Chan and went into the hallway where I proceeded to talk for who knows how long If it weren't for class, I would have kept conversing. As it was, I considered ditching, but I thought it unwise especially since we had just had a midterm and today would be when we got our scores. I hung up the phone, apologized to her Chan-ness for taking so long, saying that it was nice to meet her finally, and then scuttled to class.
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Why is it that good things always interrupt each other? Where was the phone call all the other days I sat bored in school? Or where was Kit Chan all those days my phone was off? Bitter sweet isn't it?
By now I felt damn good. Whatever power it was in charge of lifting my spirits, they did a good job. "Ah" I thought to myself though, they had forgotten about my midterm. You see, that test was brutal. It was only three problems, so basically if you missed one, you blew the test. I had walked out of the test feeling miserable, sure that I had completely blown one problem. Upon talking to others, my fears grew worse as it became evident that I missed at least 2, and maybe the last one wasn't exactly right either. |
So I walk into class clearly expecting to be brought back down to earth. It's the Bundy curse after all. Nothing this good could last for so long. The professor walks in with a stern look in his eye. He announces that he designed the test to be 20 points, expecting the average to be 10, the high to be 20, and the low to be 0. He then passes the test out, and as I see the looks of everyone, the sad gloom in their eyes just made me more anxious. He calls my name, and I run up to get my paper. I saw my score an I was astonished. How did I get that score when the smartest people in class were getting 12's and 13's? I sit back in my seat trying to take in the reality of it all when he announces the actual highs and lows. The low... a 3. The high... yup, somehow it was me! I nearly fainted. I mean I've done it before, usually when people get bad scores and I do ok, but this was flat out ridiculous! Shock and disbelief was more like it. There I was staring my paper, at the problem I thought I blew, with the answers I thought were clearly wrong, and yet he only marked off 2 pts. He either was lenient with the grading, or there was some act of divine intervention that guided my pencil stroke that day. I may have felt miserable but my answers were surprisingly close. Literally only 2 or 3 mistakes here and there. One of those mysteries that I'll never understand, but I'll always appreciate nonetheless! I know better than to knock a gift like this =)
So there. There's more but then this entry would become a novel so I'll stop here. I know a string of pleasantry like this can't possibly last forever so I better cherish it while I can. Who knows, by tomorrow I'll be down again. But all I got to say is that when things go well, they really go well. I guess life can't always kick you while you're down. =)
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Tuesday, October 1, 2002 |
I'm so frustrated with school! Actually, I'm frustrated at all the imbeciles that I'm forced to work with. We had a quiz today again. I came up with what I thought was the correct answer and was ready to mark it down when my partner told me it was wrong. What followed was a little debate about whether he was sure or not, and since he seemed so sure of himself, I went along with him on two answers. Damn him. Obviously you know where this is going, because all my answers were right and his two were wrong. Don't seem so sure of yourself if you don't know. And in my Software Engineering class, it seems like a few people are doing all the work, even though it's a group of 7. Why do all these people insist on talking and acting like they know all when deep down it's all bull? Actions mean so much more than words, and at this point, they've done nothing.
This is why I hate team projects. I don't like depending on others. Actually, I don't trust them. If I can do it myself, I will because the time it takes me to fix their blunders, I could have done it myself correctly in the first place. There are only a few people, mostly my close friends, with whom I trust implicitly. Otherwise, if something needs to get done, I'm doing it myself. Selfish, I know, but at this point in the semester, I can't afford to botch anything up anymore. I have a huge midterm tomorrow, wish me luck!
Speaking of friends, how do you judge or measure the value of a friendship? A true friend will walk in when the rest of the world walks out. Throughout my life, I've done things for friends that I wouldn't do for anyone else. I've stood by them, stuck up for them, and been their support. And a lot of times, they may not even know it. It's a strange feeling to be honest, when you realize that someone has done something in your best interest, and they didn't care if you found out about it or not. To do something out of sincerity and kindness without need for reward shows true friendship. That happened to me recently when I inadvertently found out what my friend had done for me... It just goes to show me that as the years go by, my true friends grow closer whereas those that aren't grow further away.
So what's with girls? Why do all of you have to play hard to get? If you like the guy, tell him. Don't lead him on. Don't pretend you're interested to pique his desire and then leave him wanting more. I sit and think about all the girls I've fallen for, and whether or not they felt the same way about me, not one of them came out in the open about it until I expressed my feelings first. Guys have emotions too, you know, and you should treat us as how you would want to be treated.
The cruelest thing a girl can do to a guy is to let him fall in love when she doesn't intend to catch his fall... |
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I ran into this quote on one of my friend's pages and felt it represented my life pretty well. If I want a girl to love me, I'm there for her always. On the other hand. I've always been manipulated, played with, and in the end left heartbroken. More than anything that my ex's have done wrong, worse than lying, worse than cheating, is the fact that they made me fall in love with them and in the end ripped that love away from me so that I would be forever scarred.
I'm still feeling depressed. School helps in that it takes my mind off things, but at the end of the day, it all just comes rushing back at me. I want so much to see your smiling face and hear your warm voice again, to share my experiences with you, to make it feel like all my work has meaning, but the reasons I feel for you are also the reasons I can never be with you. I can't seem to move on, and thus I can't be fair to anyone else. And how can I move on when all the beauty in life just serves to remind me of you? |
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